‘Winning money is easy’ says total f*ckin romancer

Published

3 months ago

1st September 2019

Sherbie Johnson

‘Winning money on horses is easy’ a total romancer has claimed.

Romancer Gareth Timms, 41, from Hertfordshire says winning money is so easy that he can ‘win every day’.

“I’d give up my job – if I had one. My life’s like one of those rap videos, chucking cash at strippers and sh*t.”

Bullsh*tter Gareth Timms said winning money is so easy: "My life’s like one of those rap videos, chucking cash at strippers and sh*t.” — Bullsh*tter Gareth Timms said: “My life’s like one of those rap videos, chucking cash at strippers and sh*t.”

“A trip to the betting shop is like going to a bank: I turn up and leave with bin bags full of cash. Well, I would if I wasn’t banned from everywhere.”

“Obviously I don’t place any bets in public because people would copy me and the bookmakers would go out of business,” the bullshitter said.

Punter Vince Bibby said: “Gareth claims to know all the jockeys and trainers. He must be a millionaire for the stupid amounts he reckons he gambles.

He’s good at telling you the winner at the end of a race because yesterday he shouted four different horses as the lead kept changing.”

“When we ask him for proof he goes all shy and claims he forgot because he was so pissed up from a massive night partying and shagging – something else he says he’s really good at.”

Gareth should be a millionaire for the stupid amounts he reckons he gambles

Mugbet Manager Dik Venom said: “Gareth’s been betting on his phone on ‘practice mode’ for years, but I’m still to take a real bet off him. He’s probably 2 months behind with his rent.”

Gareth’s mum Sheila said: “He spends hours in his bedroom on Photoshop making deposit and withdrawal statements in case no one believes him.”

“I wish he’d find a girlfriend.”

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Bookmakers: “Punter of the Year Award can f*ck off”

Published

3 weeks ago

19th November 2019

Alastair Gitt

Punter of the Year award called 'obscene' by bookmakers in furious rant

Bookmakers have branded a new ‘Punter of the Year‘ initiative – to recognise the best gambler in a calendar year – ‘obscene’ in a furious rant.

Bookmakers, racecourses, and horse racing groups who are all funded from gamblers’ losing money have blasted a new award to recognise heroics in punters as ‘obscene’.

Launched today by the Institute for Losers, the Punter of the Year award has been opposed by bookmakers who are ‘livid with rage’ at honouring ‘a load of f*cking sh*t bags’.

The first of its kind, a punter’s award would recognise the exploits of people who win money from bookmakers.

Mugbet’s Dik Venom said: “It’s insane to honour scumbags who rob our dosh.”

“You think parasites who steal from us need a trophy? Quarantining is what they need.”

Keith Vim said: “While 21 Betting Shop Manager of the Year finalists alone have collectively been paid over £500,000 salaries from gamblers’ losing bets over the last 12 months, honouring anyone who wants to take 1p of that money away from us is ‘outrageous’.”

“A Jockey of the year, Trainer of the year, Horse of the year, Groom of the year, Owner of the year, Racecourse of the Year, Broadcaster of the year, a Betting Logo Stitcher of the year – even a Betting Shop Manager of the year – are all established awards, however no plaudits should exists for scumbag punters who keep this show on the road.”

Shop manager Alf Archer said: “The Betting Shop Manager of the Year award comes with a VIP trip to Hong Kong. If anyone wins money from us, who’s going to pay my five grand ticket and fifty grand a year expenses if I win?”

Punter Gareth Timms said: “We’re not asking for a lot, given that we pay for everyone else to have a good time.”

“We’re told shouldn’t win any money because it’s bad for the levy, but there’s always an endless supply of cash to pay bookmakers’ salaries, TV stations, and the gambling charities their 6-figure per year salaries.”

“While I’m not allowed to win more than 3 quid on a bet, there are millions of pounds per year for pointless jockey betting blogs, and those pom-pom hats and woolly coats for trainers struggling to scrape by on £3 million per year in prize money.”

Bookmakers

Supermarkets to prevent punters from buying groceries

Published

1 month ago

6th November 2019

Leonard Collins

Supermarkets have teamed up with bookmakers to stop winning punters from shopping in their stores.

Mugbet bookmakers have teamed up with big supermarkets to prevent winning punters from spending any profits they make from gambling in their food stores.

Mugbet’s Director of Bookmaking Propaganda, Mrs Clare Simon, said:

“Let’s starve the f*ckers who take our lovely cash. No fruit or veg, nor any ready meals. Not even a can of Tizer!”

Chicken mysteriously vanishes after locking man out of betting account

New ‘Bet-Less’ service lets punters lose cash without even gambling

Described as the ‘final frontier’ in obliterating winners, the deal will create a global database of ‘bastards’ and employ more than 2,500 new people to operate their new systems.

While the deal is subject to regulatory approval, it has been recommended and approved by the boards of both companies.

Facial Recognition

A £300 million investment in facial recognition infrastructure has been approved by Mugbet to give the supermarkets the ability to recognise winners with AI.

Supermarkets to prevent punters from buying groceries — Winning punters will have their ugly mugs zapped by a laser as they walk through the supermarket door and prevented from buying any material goods.

While betting shops have distributed images of winning punters taken via their in-house CCTV, the identification process was reliant on a manager or cashier to spot the person in the flesh, allowing many to ‘slip though the net’.

“Punters will have their ugly mugs zapped by a laser as they walk through the supermarket door.”

“Before they’ve even got to the sausage rolls, a security guard will twist their ears push them about or give them a good duffing up, they have our blessing.”

“Money well spent.”