‘Winning money is easy’ says total f*ckin romancer

“A trip to the betting shop is like going to a bank: I turn up and leave with bin bags full of cash. Well, I would if I wasn’t banned from everywhere.”

“Obviously I don’t place any bets in public because people would copy me and the bookmakers would go out of business,” the bullshitter said.

Punter Vince Bibby said: “Gareth claims to know all the jockeys and trainers. He must be a millionaire for the stupid amounts he reckons he gambles.

He’s good at telling you the winner at the end of a race because yesterday he shouted four different horses as the lead kept changing.”

“When we ask him for proof he goes all shy and claims he forgot because he was so pissed up from a massive night partying and shagging – something else he says he’s really good at.”

Mugbet Manager Dik Venom said: “Gareth’s been betting on his phone on ‘practice mode’ for years, but I’m still to take a real bet off him. He’s probably 2 months behind with his rent.”

Gareth’s mum Sheila said: “He spends hours in his bedroom on Photoshop making deposit and withdrawal statements in case no one believes him.”

“I wish he’d find a girlfriend.”