‘Winning money on horses is easy’ a total romancer has claimed.
Romancer Gareth Timms, 41, from Hertfordshire says winning money is so easy that he can ‘win every day’.
“I’d give up my job – if I had one. My life’s like one of those rap videos, chucking cash at strippers and sh*t.”
“A trip to the betting shop is like going to a bank: I turn up and leave with bin bags full of cash. Well, I would if I wasn’t banned from everywhere.”
“Obviously I don’t place any bets in public because people would copy me and the bookmakers would go out of business,” the bullshitter said.
Punter Vince Bibby said: “Gareth claims to know all the jockeys and trainers. He must be a millionaire for the stupid amounts he reckons he gambles.
He’s good at telling you the winner at the end of a race because yesterday he shouted four different horses as the lead kept changing.”
“When we ask him for proof he goes all shy and claims he forgot because he was so pissed up from a massive night partying and shagging – something else he says he’s really good at.”
Mugbet Manager Dik Venom said: “Gareth’s been betting on his phone on ‘practice mode’ for years, but I’m still to take a real bet off him. He’s probably 2 months behind with his rent.”
Gareth’s mum Sheila said: “He spends hours in his bedroom on Photoshop making deposit and withdrawal statements in case no one believes him.”
“I wish he’d find a girlfriend.”
Grandad who ran over bookmaker with MOBILITY SCOOTER spared jail
A man who used his souped up mobility scooter to ‘battering ram’ a racecourse bookmaker has walked free.
Using his mobility scooter as a battering ram, Tarquin Bibby, 89, drove over racecourse bookie Dik Venom in a fit of rage.
Fitted with Nitrous Oxide, the extensively modified scooter could reach speeds of up to 70 mph – way above the legal limit of 4mph on a pavement.
Bibby claimed the assault was ‘an accident’ but race course witnesses said the pensioner went ‘f*cking mental’ – ploughing into the bookmaker after a disagreement over a price.
With a £1 bet on Jimmy Jumpsuit at odds of 2-1, the 80% deaf former WW2 veteran believed he had actually been given 200-1.
Expecting a £201 return, Bibby collected a paltry £3 from the Mugbet representative at Perth racecourse last July.
Shouting and swearing, the former WW2 pilot reversed 50 yards then charged at the bookmaker’s pitch.
Fast & Furious Grandad
The judge described Bibby’s motorized wheelchair as “something out of a Fast and Furious film”.
With a an acceleration rate of 0 to 60 mph in 6 seconds, the OAP ‘truck’ was even faster than a Ford Fiesta.
Bibby was given a suspended sentence at Perth Sheriff Court House on August 12 for 6 months, fined £20,564.25 and banned from driving for 18 months.
Sentencing fiscal depute William Tupe said: “This was an act of malevolent evil for which an 8 year minimum in custody would be fitting. However I have lost tons of cash to Mugbet so a 6 month suspended sentence till after Goodwood is appropriate”.
Venom said: “This old nutter drove at me like a rocket, smashing up the pitch – wheel spinning over my head.”
Miraculously, Venom sustained no long term injuries.
“I was able to lay the remaining six beaten favourites,” Venom said.
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Bookies dig up GRAVES of dead winning punters
Bookies across the UK have been digging up graves of punters who won off them.
Keith Vim from Mugbet has called on bookies everywhere to pick up a spade and dig after rumours circulated that some successful gamblers were taking their winnings to their graves.
“Some call it ‘tomb robbing’ but I like to think of myself as discovering precious artefacts like Indiana Jones or that bloke out The Mummy.”
Graves have been raided for centuries for many reasons including ransom, cannibalism, and medical dissections – but bookmakers admit they just want cash.
“Let’s face it” said Vim “things haven’t been so good since the FOBT reduction last year, so we’re coming up with new ways to increase profits. I wonder if there’s any gold?”
Expired punter Gareth Timms, from beyond the grave said: “Two spivs from the Mugbet ‘body snatching’ department tried to take my entire coffin away to demand a ransom from my family.
“However, some of the lads here performed a ‘Thriller Zombie’ dance and scared the sh*t out of them – I don’t think they’ll be back any time soon.”
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Bookmaker treats punter they made homeless to WHEELIE BIN
Mugbet has kindly donated a wheelie bin to a punter they made homeless.
Punter Gareth Timms, who was made homeless by Mugbet’s endless false favourites, rubbish offers, and rigged slot machines, has had an early Christmas present in the shape of a WHEELIE BIN.
Former panel beater Timms used to have a 6-bedroom Devon town house, but since he started betting with Mugbet he now lives outside their shop in a blue recycling bin.
Timms said: “It’s warm, dry and cosy, but the only downside is once a fortnight a bin lorry takes me down the tip and chucks me in the landfill. I have to hobble back into town, but I’m grateful for the exercise really.
“Thank god for the cuts to services or it could be once a week!”
A spokesman for Mugbet whose slogan is “Where the Nation Pays”, Keith Vim said: “Gareth should be delighted with our kind generosity, giving back to the community and securing him a sturdy home he can love and cherish.
“The fact that we were chucking it out anyway isn’t the point: if he doesn’t like his neighbours he can just wheel himself away.
“As a special treat we’ve chucked in a roll of black bin bags he can use as sheets, but now that he can’t give us any more cash he’s banned from within 6 feet of the door.”