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Punters

‘Winning money is easy’ says total f*ckin romancer

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 ‘Winning money on horses is easy’ a total romancer has claimed.

Romancer Gareth Timms, 41, from Hertfordshire says winning money is so easy that he can ‘win every day’.

“I’d give up my job – if I had one. My life’s like one of those rap videos, chucking cash at strippers and sh*t.”

Bullsh*tter Gareth Timms said winning money is so easy: "My life’s like one of those rap videos, chucking cash at strippers and sh*t.”
Bullsh*tter Gareth Timms said: “My life’s like one of those rap videos, chucking cash at strippers and sh*t.”

“A trip to the betting shop is like going to a bank: I turn up and leave with bin bags full of cash. Well, I would if I wasn’t banned from everywhere.”

“Obviously I don’t place any bets in public because people would copy me and the bookmakers would go out of business,” the bullshitter said.

Punter Vince Bibby said: “Gareth claims to know all the jockeys and trainers. He must be a millionaire for the stupid amounts he reckons he gambles.

He’s good at telling you the winner at the end of a race because yesterday he shouted four different horses as the lead kept changing.”

“When we ask him for proof he goes all shy and claims he forgot because he was so pissed up from a massive night partying and shagging – something else he says he’s really good at.”

Gareth should be a millionaire for the stupid amounts he reckons he gambles
Gareth should be a millionaire for the stupid amounts he reckons he gambles

Mugbet Manager Dik Venom said: “Gareth’s been betting on his phone on ‘practice mode’ for years, but I’m still to take a real bet off him. He’s probably 2 months behind with his rent.”

Gareth’s mum Sheila said: “He spends hours in his bedroom on Photoshop making deposit and withdrawal statements in case no one believes him.”

“I wish he’d find a girlfriend.”

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Bookmakers

Bookmaker treats punter they made homeless to WHEELIE BIN

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bookmaker t
Mugbet has kindly donated a wheelie bin to a punter they made homeless.

Punter Gareth Timms, who was made homeless by Mugbet’s endless false favourites, rubbish offers, and rigged slot machines, has had an early Christmas present in the shape of a WHEELIE BIN.

Former panel beater Timms used to have a 6-bedroom Devon town house, but since he started betting with Mugbet he now lives outside their shop in a blue recycling bin.

Timms said: “It’s warm, dry and cosy, but the only downside is once a fortnight a bin lorry takes me down the tip and chucks me in the landfill. I have to hobble back into town, but I’m grateful for the exercise really.

“Thank god for the cuts to services or it could be once a week!”

A spokesman for Mugbet whose slogan is “Where the Nation Pays”, Keith Vim said: “Gareth should be delighted with our kind generosity, giving back to the community and securing him a sturdy home he can love and cherish.

“The fact that we were chucking it out anyway isn’t the point: if he doesn’t like his neighbours he can just wheel himself away.

“As a special treat we’ve chucked in a roll of black bin bags he can use as sheets, but now that he can’t give us any more cash he’s banned from within 6 feet of the door.”

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Betting

100-year-old ‘git’ wins first ever bet

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Pensioner Burt 'old git' Jackson, 100, wins his first ever bet
Mugbet blasts ‘old git’ who backed first ever winner by filling in quickslip wrong.

Burt Jackson, 100, has annoyed the sh*t out of bookmaking giant Mugbet by winning his first ever bet.

After mistakenly filling in a quickslip with the ‘wrong’ horse the pensioner and army veteran who has never visited the ‘Payout’ counter made national news with his first win since the end of World War II.

Jackson said: “Shooting down Messerschmitts was easy; escaping the clutches of the SS in a concentration camp – a doddle, but trying to get a second favourite to win at Newcastle has proved impossible for the last seven decades.”

Hearing a bookmaker representative talk about ‘floods of money’ for the 11-10 favourite Wunder Tripe, Jackson took their advice, staking £30 of his army pension on a Quickslip in his local Mugbet shop.

However, the centurion who suffers from cataracts ticked the wrong selection.

Instead of backing ‘No. 2’, the grandad of seventeen ticked ‘No.12’, 10-1 outsider Jimmy Jumpsuit – second string stablemate to the favourite – who duly romped in by a distance.

Riot

Keith Vim from Mugbet said: “The old git shouldn’t have got paid out. However, because we didn’t want a riot we gave him his winnings. As a compromise he’s banned from every shop in the world with immediate effect.”

Jackson said: “I always thought ‘treat betting as a bit of fun’ meant losing your arse. They wanted me to back the favourite, so I did – but I got the numbers muddled up.”

“I was going to treat my grand kids, but winners are really hard to come by, so I’m getting Champagne and strippers instead.”

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