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Abandoning waterlogged meeting ‘for wimps’ says crazy b*stard manager

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Scutter Park’s general manager has blasted calls to abandon the waterlogged meeting as ‘wimpish bullsh*t’

Scutter Park’s general manager has blasted calls to abandon the waterlogged meeting as ‘wimpish bullsh*t’

While basking sharks are swimming upsides the grandstand windows, Scutter Park’s general manager – former army Captain Gareth Timms – has slammed those calling for an abandoning the waterlogged meeting as a load of ‘f*cking wimps’.

“I’m sitting in a 3 foot stream of water in my office. It’s up to my waist and I’m wearing shorts and a snorkel.”

“Get your swimming trunks on and get those f*cking horses on that track,” yelled Captain Timms.

Trainer Maxwell Benson, who had declared runners at today’s meeting, said: “It’s the end of the world – the Great Deluge has arrived, but that crazy bastard Timms told us racing goes ahead because horses can swim.”

“The racecourse management team put it down to him being a hard, ex-army leader, but I put it down to him being a f*cking lunatic.”

Chestnut gelding Jimmy Jumpsuit, last year’s Scutter Novices’ Hurdle winner said: “We have stacks of fun splashing around.”

“My dream job is at one of those water parks, giving the nod to swimmers going down the slides – let’s race damn it!”

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Racecourses

Horse-fearing criminals to work as White Flag Men

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Petty criminals sh*t scared of horses will complete their community service punishment as a white flag operator

50-hour community service – for offences like littering, shoplifting, or piggybacking onto a neighbour’s WiFi – will see equine-phobic petty criminals get jobs as white flag operators.

The think tank Let’s Get Petty is targeting minor criminals whose behaviour has not progressed to high crime like robbery, murder or treason – by frightening the sh*t out of them.

Positioned in the centre of the track about a furlong in advance of the runners, White Flag operators indicate the start of a race is imminent.

Horse-fearing criminals to work as White Flag Men
Minor offences like littering, shoplifting, or piggybacking onto a neighbour’s WiFi will see equine-phobic petty criminals complete community service as white flag operators.

Traditionally old chaps topping up their state pensions, white flag men tend to be former racecourse employees.

The new scheme, however, selects confirmed equinophobics – people afraid of horses. Non-equinophobics, on the other hand, quickly develop a fear after being strapped to a mattress, shown images of Red Rum and beaten with rolled-up Racing Posts.

Punishment

Professor Dik Venom from Scutter University said: “Twats caught fishing without a rod licence, loiterers, or people who feed the parking meters will now get the punishment they deserve.”

“Running from a 30-strong cavalry charge while crapping themselves is a good way to learn about civic duties.”

“Not only has the prospect of being galloped over scared them shitless but repeat-offender rates have dropped to zero.

“While seasoned White Flag operators nonchalantly stroll out of the way, some of our petty criminals on the programme have legged it off the racecourse and jumped the wall.”

“Sadly they met an untimely end on the motorway. Still, it will stop them committing crimes like paying tradesmen in cash or nicking Haribo.”

Gareth Timms, convicted for stealing paint brushes said: “The sight of manes and hooves brings me out in cold sweats.”

“Please send me back to that cell I shared with Butcher Barry who’s in for triple murder.”

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Racecourses

Smocks for plebs in new racecourse dress code

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Plebs will wear smocks and sandals at all UK racecourses in a new relaxed dress code

A new relaxed dress code will allow pleb race goers wear smocks and sandals when attending UK racecourses.

Race goers who have owners’ badges, a private education or a quiff will continue to wear morning dress.

Following 742 days consultation, the fashion think tank ‘Kits Off’ has come up with the solution to ease the pressure on racing fans knowing how to dress up.

Shelley Craps, Kits Off event’s organiser said:

“We know it’s really hard for people who aren’t as middle class as us to put the right clothes on so we’ve spared them the complicated decision.”

Smocks for plebs in new racecourse dress code
Fashion think tank ‘Kits Off’ thinks plebs should dress as agricultural workers when visiting any UK racecourse

“The medieval serf or agricultural worker look is hot this year for non-Royal Enclosure – or pleb – guests.”

“We’re doing them a favour; I wouldn’t wipe sh*t up with some of the ‘suits’ they wore last year.”

Keith Vim, chief steward at Ascot said:

“Anyone who turns up at our gates who has forgotten to dress properly can wear socks and pants.

“We don’t have any lockers so they can leave their non-regulation clothes 6 miles down the road – by the pie shop bins.”

Hair and Wigs

While the Middle Ages aren’t many people’s first choice for a new hair style, a selection of second hand wigs will be available to rent alongside a massively overpriced race programme book.

“A Richard II bob has been very popular with pleb men in our trials, and can be rented for just £165 for the day,” said Craps.

“They all have anti-theft ink tags under the head so don’t even try to walk out the course with them on.”

Pleb racegoer Gareth Timms said: “I get to wear my normal clothes to the track? F*cking fantastic!”

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