Furious betting chiefs pulled the plug on racing last night after Scutter Park’s power failure left bookmaker logos unilluminated.

Betting giant Mugbet was incensed with rage after a power failure left its two thousand bookmaker logos in the dark along the home straight at Scutter Park racecourse.

While it was light enough to run the race Mugbet prevented any racing from going ahead unless their “Where the Nation PAYS” betting banners were fully lit up.

Additionally, the lack of power meant Mugbet’s popular effigy of a dead, crucified punter was unable to be hoisted up.

Jockey Tarquin Bibby said: “All the jockeys had made the full Sign of the Cross before the Mugbet logo in the weighing room using holy water.

“We were all set to receive our riding instructions from the bookmakers in the paddock, but then Keith [Vim, Mugbet’s head of Communications] told us all to get back in and say nothing.”

Trainer Alf Archer said: “None of the horses could have raced anyway as they’d walked 250 miles around the parade ring waiting for an announcement.”

Mugbet spokesman, Dik Venom said: “I don’t care how many circles the stable boys walked or whether these horses travelled up from Timbuctoo, you’d better get our logo on every inch of that straight lit up or we’re closing this place down.

“As punishment, senior racecourse executives will wear high-vis Mugbet jackets like the golf sale ad men on Regent Street and be paraded in just their underpants. Mugbet underpants.”

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Petty criminals sh*t scared of horses will complete their community service punishment as a white flag operator

50-hour community service – for offences like littering, shoplifting, or piggybacking onto a neighbour’s WiFi – will see equine-phobic petty criminals get jobs as white flag operators.

The think tank Let’s Get Petty is targeting minor criminals whose behaviour has not progressed to high crime like robbery, murder or treason – by frightening the sh*t out of them.

Positioned in the centre of the track about a furlong in advance of the runners, White Flag operators indicate the start of a race is imminent.

Traditionally old chaps topping up their state pensions, white flag men tend to be former racecourse employees.

The new scheme, however, selects confirmed equinophobics – people afraid of horses. Non-equinophobics, on the other hand, quickly develop a fear after being strapped to a mattress, shown images of Red Rum and beaten with rolled-up Racing Posts.

Punishment

Professor Dik Venom from Scutter University said: “Twats caught fishing without a rod licence, loiterers, or people who feed the parking meters will now get the punishment they deserve.”

“Running from a 30-strong cavalry charge while crapping themselves is a good way to learn about civic duties.”

“Not only has the prospect of being galloped over scared them shitless but repeat-offender rates have dropped to zero.

“While seasoned White Flag operators nonchalantly stroll out of the way, some of our petty criminals on the programme have legged it off the racecourse and jumped the wall.”

“Sadly they met an untimely end on the motorway. Still, it will stop them committing crimes like paying tradesmen in cash or nicking Haribo.”

Gareth Timms, convicted for stealing paint brushes said: “The sight of manes and hooves brings me out in cold sweats.”

“Please send me back to that cell I shared with Butcher Barry who’s in for triple murder.”

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