Racecourses

Trainer banned for giving horse Monster Munch

Published

10 months ago

3rd July 2020

Trainer banned for giving horse Monster Munch

Failed dope test reveals horse’s addiction to pickled onion-flavoured snacks

Trainer Alf Archer has been charged by Scutter Park stewards after one of his horses returned a swab that breached allowable levels of Monster Munch.

Gelding, Jimmy Jumpsuit returned a urine sample containing massive amounts of Disodium 5'-Ribonucleotidein – a key constituent of the popular foot-shaped crisps – in excess of the allowed threshold of 100 micrograms per litre.

His trainer, Archer, is facing charges of administering a prohibited substance and allowing a horse to compete with a banned substance in its system.

Addict

But the Gravesend handler protested his innocence, claiming that ‘Jimmy’ is an addict: “Jimmy’s an awkward bastard: always lying and hiding pickled onion flavour Monster Munch in his hay net.

“He won’t eat carrots or polo mints because he craves Frazzles or Tangy Toms.

“Unless we buy him a sack of the stuff, he kicks the stable door and whinnies in the middle of the night – waking up all the neighbours.

“He gets withdrawal symptoms and refuses to gallop, planting himself in the middle of the road when we come back from a morning trot.

The maximum penalty for the offence of giving a horse junk food, under British Horse Racing law is 3 days ban for a horse and an £800 fine to the trainer.

But, because of Alf’s past as a gambling stable - where he once landed a £30 bet in 1985 - if found guilty, Archer could be barred for twenty years.

Run Faster

Chief Steward Tarquin Bibby said: “We’ve done tests feeding Flaming Hot Monster Munch to grey squirrels and they went mental. Archer is right! They really do make them run faster.”

A representative for The World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) told the Scutter: “Steroids, stimulants, gene-doping and now Monster Munch – where will it end?

“The Prohibited List of in-and out-of-competition equine athletes needs to have Monster Munch added. And Nik Naks just to be sure.

Jimmy Jumpsuit said: “My solicitor and I have been over the legislation and we’re lodging an appeal with the Theraputic Use Exemptions under the clause of ‘Intrinsic Sleep Disorder’ because I can’t rest until I’ve had my crisps!

“That f*cker Archer says I’ve got a crisp problem and I should go to rehab. But if you were getting beat in Class 6 contests, you’d need an antidepressant or two.

“He’s the one with the f*cking problem.”