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Supermarkets to prevent punters from buying groceries

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Supermarkets have teamed up with bookmakers to stop winning punters from shopping in their stores.

Mugbet bookmakers have teamed up with big supermarkets to prevent winning punters from spending any profits they make from gambling in their food stores.

Mugbet’s Director of Bookmaking Propaganda, Mrs Clare Simon, said:

“Let’s starve the f*ckers who take our lovely cash. No fruit or veg, nor any ready meals. Not even a can of Tizer!”

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Described as the ‘final frontier’ in obliterating winners, the deal will create a global database of ‘bastards’ and employ more than 2,500 new people to operate their new systems.  

While the deal is subject to regulatory approval, it has been recommended and approved by the boards of both companies.

Facial Recognition

A £300 million investment in facial recognition infrastructure has been approved by Mugbet to give the supermarkets the ability to recognise winners with AI.

Supermarkets to prevent punters from buying groceries
Winning punters will have their ugly mugs zapped by a laser as they walk through the supermarket door and prevented from buying any material goods.

While betting shops have distributed images of winning punters taken via their in-house CCTV, the identification process was reliant on a manager or cashier to spot the person in the flesh, allowing many to ‘slip though the net’.

“Punters will have their ugly mugs zapped by a laser as they walk through the supermarket door.”

“Before they’ve even got to the sausage rolls, a security guard will twist their ears push them about or give them a good duffing up, they have our blessing.”

“Money well spent.”

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  1. oprolevorter

    9th December 2019 at 5:30 pm

    Some genuinely fantastic posts on this internet site, thank you for contribution. “The spirit is the true self.” by Marcus Tullius Cicero.

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Betting

‘Bullsh*t warnings’ on betting blogs have no effect

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Bullsh*t warnings on betting blogs have no effect on punters whatsoever

Bullsh*t warnings on trainers’ and jockeys’ betting blogs – such as ‘damage to finance’ and ‘may contain BS’ – do not work.

A study found that trainers’ bookie betting blogs carrying the warnings that they may be dangerous to punters’ finances have absolutely no impact on the consumer whatsoever.

The 1-year analysis from Scutter University looked into caveats displayed on blogs written on behalf of trainers so that bookmakers can profit from promoting false favourites and second favourites with no chance.

While warning gamblers about ‘made up rubbish’, the study found that in 92% of examined cases, punters took absolutely no notice.

Professor Gareth Timms, survey coordinator said: “Punters took absolutely no notice of the warnings, but in their defence the writing was upside down, back to front or in a foreign language in many cases.”

“The need for the blog to display a clear warning no less than 2% of the entire article size meant that it was like trying to read font size 3 – or ‘micropscopic’ writing, often in a pale coloured typeface.”

Maxwell Benson from Mugbet said: “Despite our warnings written in Sanskrit, no one gives a toss – they still enjoy losing money, which suits us fine.”

Worth over £150,000 per year, trainers’ betting blogs are an absolute godsend for high profile yards struggling to scrape by on £3 million per year prize money.

For bookmakers they are a perfect way to obtain photographic and promotional material from equine star sportsmen – and absolutely nothing to do with gaining knowledge of which horses are not ‘off’ from top yards with incredible numbers of beaten favourites or second favourites.

Punter Gareth Timms said: “I’ve read the warnings but the trainer betting blogs are a brilliant way of losing cash. Read them and bet on what it says: you’re guaranteed VIP status in no time!”

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Bookmakers

First Bookmaker Guillotined

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First bookmaker executed guillotined in 1794

France’s first bookmaker was guillotined on this day in 1794 for his barbaric treatment of peasants

The 21st November 1794 saw France’s first bookmaker, Aristocrat Garett-Palombes de Timmes de Salignac, Duc de la Scutteur de Chambonais, guillotined by revolutionaries for his barbaric treatment of peasants and racegoers.

Nicknamed ‘Le F*cking Bastard’ de Timmes was the original bookmaker, pretending the horses he owned were well-backed but ensuring a huge profit from losing match races.

Managing to escape the first round of aristocratic executions, de Timmes was a native of the Vendée region, a place the Revolution reached with little enthusiasm.

De Timmes accumulated enormous gambling debts playing Pétanque, owing 20,767 Livres Tournois (£158K today) shortly before the Revolution of 1789.

Owning large swathes of farmland across the départements of Loire-Inférieure (Loire-Atlantique), Maine-et-Loire, Deux-Sèvres, and the Vendée, Garett de Timmes was despised in perpetuity as much as during his own life time.

Peasant Shooter

Known for his barbaric treatment of his agricultural workers and incalculable greed, de Timmes was the proud inventor of Tir au Paysannes, a human variant of clay pigeon shooting.

Played with peasants, de Timmes would force two of his employees to sprint across the soft soil vegetable patches and take pot shots at them with a Charleville Musket.

Threatening them with dismissal, de Timmes shot them anyway if they refused.

‘Le Fixeur’

To avoid bankruptcy De Timmes had horse racing to fall back on. As an owner-breeder with over 200 horses in training, De Timmes took to ‘fixing’ his match races.

Talking up the chances of his own runners De Timmes’ horses were very popular bets on all known form and appearance – to which he would lay enormous liabilities through his betting agents.

If his horse won, de Timmes would lose considerably. However the ‘butcher’ ensured this would never happen.

With a win looking almost certainly guaranteed, race day punters – a mixture of aristocrats, peasants and clergy – believed all they had to do was gallop down and come back, but de Timmes had other plans.

Instructing his jockeys (usually a servant in his employment) to fall off on the far end of a racecourse, De Timmes engineered the race so that a win for his horse never happened.

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If the riders failed to fall off, marksmen positioned in trees would shoot them off. Occasionally, De Timmes would shoot them anyway even if they had executed his plan to the letter.

Execution

His downfall came after suspicious Republican forces wondered why all of his beaten favourites had so many skilled riders fall off, make mistakes, take the wrong course, give their runners far too much to do, change the horses strides, or fail to ride to with an ounce of credibility.

De Timmes was finally put to death by Guillotine after peasant leaders Jacques Cathelineau, Gaston Bourdic, and Jean-Nicolas Stofflet had backed de Timmes’ runner Le Confit – a classic winner – on the advice of her bookmaker-owner.

Striding out 40 lengths clear, Le Confit looked sure to land the prize for raceday punters who had backed her at odds of 16-90. However, 30 yards before the line jockey Everard Bouger jumped off and shot himself in the foot.

A riot quickly ensued and de Timmes was taken prisoner by the revolutionaries.

Following execution by guillotine, agents of the Republic and counter revolutionaries alike played football with de Timmes’ head in a celebration match lasting 90 minutes.

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