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Supermarkets to prevent punters from buying groceries

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Supermarkets have teamed up with bookmakers to stop winning punters from shopping in their stores.

Mugbet bookmakers have teamed up with big supermarkets to prevent winning punters from spending any profits they make from gambling in their food stores.

Mugbet’s Director of Bookmaking Propaganda, Mrs Clare Simon, said:

“Let’s starve the f*ckers who take our lovely cash. No fruit or veg, no ready meals; not even a can of Tizer!”

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Described as the ‘final frontier’ in obliterating winners, the deal will create a global database of ‘bastards’ and employ more than 2,500 new people to operate their new systems.  

While the deal is subject to regulatory approval, it has been recommended and approved by the boards of both companies.

Facial Recognition

A £300 million investment in facial recognition infrastructure has been approved by Mugbet to give the supermarkets the ability to recognise winners with AI.

Supermarkets to prevent punters from buying groceries
Winning punters will have their ugly mugs zapped by a laser as they walk through the supermarket door and be prevented from buying any material goods.

While betting shops have distributed images of winning punters taken via their in-house CCTV, the identification process was reliant on a manager or cashier to spot the person in the flesh, allowing many to ‘slip though the net’.

Keith Vim, Mugbet spokesman said: “Winning punters will have their ugly mugs zapped by a laser as they walk through the supermarket door.”

“Before they’ve even got to the sausage rolls, a security guard will twist their ears push them about and give them a good duffing up in the toilet.”

“Money well spent.”

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Bookmakers

Bookmakers face €20 fines for ‘made up gambles’

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bookmakers who indulge in ‘made-up’ gambles will get a €20 fine and told to ‘stop it’
Regulator says bookmakers who indulge in ‘made-up’ gambles will get a 20 fine and told to ‘stop it’

The gambling watchdog has promised to get tough on bookmakers’ exploitation of the vulnerable by treating fictional gambles – make-believe reports of horses being ‘backed’ or ‘working well’– with a whopping €20 fine and a stiff talking to.

Pretending horses are shortening – from 20-1 into 7-2 for example – bookmakers can extract punters’ money without ever striking a single bet.

Bookmaker Keith Vim said: “Idiots love backing the shortening horses. We call them ‘gambles’ and they earn us a fortune.”

“Without them I couldn’t drive a Bentley, send my kids to private school, or even have bought this gold toilet.”

“You’d think these monster fines would make us behave but we will do f*ck all if everyone wants our cash.”

Although entirely funded from losing bets, the regulator has threatened to ask the bookmakers nicely if they ought to stop the practice.

Gambling watchdog spokeswoman Shelley Craps said: “In addition to the fine, bookmakers flouting the new rule will have a stern letter from us, telling them to stop it.”

“However, our six-figure salaries, mortgages and colossal pensions depend on your lost cash, so we won’t get too angry.”

“Just this week a bookmaker got disapproving look and told they were very naughty, even though they put our letter in the bin.”

Millions are lost on ‘pretend gambles’ every day in the UK and Ireland with bookmakers using their own media outlets in television, in print and on the internet to propagate their made up rubbish.

Spotting the Signs

Striking a compromise, however, the betting watchdog has issued a Safety Pamphlet with all the signs to watch out for in case a full-of-shit bookmaker is trying it on.

Phrases:
  • “He’s the one everyone wants to be on”
  • “Well backed”
  •  “Good money for …”
  • “working well”
Practical Advice
  • Run a mile if anyone from a betting blog wearing bookmaker coats, pom-pom hats or otherwise tells you, ‘all the money has come for this one’  
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Bookmakers

Bookmaker treats punter they made homeless to WHEELIE BIN

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bookmaker t
Mugbet has kindly donated a wheelie bin to a punter they made homeless.

Punter Gareth Timms, who was made homeless by Mugbet’s endless false favourites, rubbish offers, and rigged slot machines, has had an early Christmas present in the shape of a WHEELIE BIN.

Former panel beater Timms used to have a 6-bedroom Devon town house, but since he started betting with Mugbet he now lives outside their shop in a blue recycling bin.

Timms said: “It’s warm, dry and cosy, but the only downside is once a fortnight a bin lorry takes me down the tip and chucks me in the landfill. I have to hobble back into town, but I’m grateful for the exercise really.

“Thank god for the cuts to services or it could be once a week!”

A spokesman for Mugbet whose slogan is “Where the Nation Pays”, Keith Vim said: “Gareth should be delighted with our kind generosity, giving back to the community and securing him a sturdy home he can love and cherish.

“The fact that we were chucking it out anyway isn’t the point: if he doesn’t like his neighbours he can just wheel himself away.

“As a special treat we’ve chucked in a roll of black bin bags he can use as sheets, but now that he can’t give us any more cash he’s banned from within 6 feet of the door.”

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