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Study confirms bookmakers ‘blatantly aliens’

Sherbie Johnson

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Study confirms bookmakers ‘blatantly aliens’
Study shows bookmakers are humanoid race composed of liquid mercury and non-terrestrial ‘alien metals’.  

New research has found that bookmakers are an advanced, extra-terrestrial, humanoid race made completely out of liquid Mercury and non-terrestrial metals.

Professor of genetics at Scutter University, Gareth Timms, said: “We’ve done experiments on bookmakers we captured in Gravesend and they’re blatantly aliens.

“While appearing to look and sound human, professional layers’ muscle tissue and blood comprise of (as yet) unclassified metalloid compounds.”

Originally trying to explain why bookmakers were able to lay beaten favourites and not care, the authors of the research were surprised to make other discoveries.

“It’s true that bookmakers are conspicuous for their stilted and formal syntax and sunglasses, which they wear even in the dark, but they’ve also infected those closest to them with irritating sayings like ‘look’ and ‘listen’.

“Their metallic skeletons never perish, meaning some of them are over a thousand years old. They’re particularly sensitive to high frequency sounds that only cats and dolphins can hear.”

While the research represents a breakthrough in human classifications, the findings may not come as a surprise to many.

Punter, Ralph Bonaparte said: “Wait, bookmakers came to Earth 500,000 years ago and constructed a base to mine cash? This explains why they’re enslaving the human race with FOBT machines and dodgy favourites at Chelmsford.

Bookmaker Keith Vim said: “I'm glad you've studied us, because we've been studying you lot since coming to your grubby little world.

"While we've mastered interplanetary travel, you trainers, jockeys and punters spend all your time watching each other drink raw eggs. You're the aliens mate.

"Our kind has helped the human race with advancing technology in the last half century. What do you give us in return? Call the Midwife.

“We’re going back to our planet in the Antilla constellation if we have to endure one more episode.”

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