‘Explanation noted’ is stewards’ secret code for ‘we weren’t born yesterday mate’.
Steward Keith Vim said: “Explanation noted really means ‘you’re a lying bastard’.”
“Oik gambling stables who win a race and give us the old ‘dog ate my homework’ excuse: who do they think they’re talking to?”
Application of Cash
“Everyone knows horses improve for the application of cash, so giving us the old ‘can’t offer any explanation’ bullsh*t simply won’t wash.”
Stipendiary steward, Maxwell Benson said: “Nothing says you’re full of sh*t like an ‘explanation noted’.
‘Wind operation’, ‘likes running left-handed’ or ‘don’t know where the cash came from, but it’s not ours’ – give it up mate.”
“‘Step up to 3 miles did the trick’, ‘sorry, brought the wrong horse to the races’ – just don’t.”
Trainer Gareth Timms, whose pockets were overflowing with cash, said:
“The stewards lamped me with an ‘explanation noted’ after my horse was backed from 50s into 2-1 and won by 25 lengths.”
“It’s catching on: my wife has even started noting my explanations whenever I’m suspiciously away at the Travelodge.”
“Weren’t we supposed to lose?” horse asks jockey
Mugbet furious as betting ambassador jockey Alf Archer wins race causing £30 payout
Furious bookmaking firm Mugbet have slammed their betting ambassador jockey Alf Archer for winning a race – causing them to pay out as much as £30.
While Archer was held up 40 lengths detached from the field in the ‘Lose Twenty Grand with Mugbet get 6p in free bets’ 2 mile handicap hurdle, drama unfolded as his nine opponents either fell or ran out – leaving him as the only finisher.
Winning horse Jimmy Jumpsuit said: “We were 7-2 second favourite so I’m sure we were meant to finish last, but what do I know?”
Taking on the morning racing television programme her firm sponsors, Mugbet’s head of Communications, Mrs Claire Simon said: “Archer still hasn’t got the message: we pay him sh*t loads of cash, but he still thinks he should win.
“Torture is now an option.”
“We haven’t decided yet but forcing him to sit through a whole hour of one of our betting shop TV pundits drivel on about “well backed” runners seems a good place to start.”
Archer said: “Please, anything but that – give me thumb screws or waterboarding, I promise to change.”
Jump card off as BADGERS chomp through fences
Rabid badgers have eaten through Scutter Park’s 12 fences overnight, forcing the three day meeting to close.
This year’s three day festival at Scutter Park – named the ‘outhouse in jump racing’s garden’ – has been abandoned after badgers munched through all the birch fences.
An initial check of the course revealed all the hurdles intact, but, to ground staff’s horror, the chase course was missing every one of its twelve fences.
Baffled to find all fences vanished, clerk of the course Tarquin Bibby was almost in tears as he performed his routine 6 am inspection.
Bibby said: “At first we thought it was aliens, or some elaborate thieves – but then we noticed a troupe of bloated, passed-out badgers sleeping in the regulation ditch.
“We have terrible problems with badgers: we laughed when we found my assistant clerk bound and gagged in the woods in an old sett. Since then I’ve had my car tyres slashed, my ignition cord cut and my engine sabotaged.
“They have an immense network and are always one step ahead of us: they’re basically criminal masterminds.”
Badger, Gareth Timms said: “That Bovine TB badger cull in 2013 wiped out all my friends and family. We’re not even yet.”
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FLAGS to solve everything think BHA
The BHA has recommended other industries follow suit on their policy of men waving flags at each other.
Despite the Industrial Revolution, developments in AI and with the Quantum age just around the corner advancing human understanding, the BHA insist on flag men waving bits of stick at one another.
But now, other industries like banking, crime and NASA are being encouraged to do the same.
Flag operations coordinator Gareth Timms said: “There’s only one tried-and-tested way of getting sh*t done and that’s waving loads of flags.”
“Anyone who doesn’t understand flags is a simple idiot and needs locking up.”
“If you’ve got health problems, struggling with a relationship, or financial woes, you might consider waving flags – as many as you can.”
“Don’t worry about the immediate descent into chaos your life will suffer by doing absolutely nothing to address the problem, simply blame it on everyone else.”
Minister for Culture, Alf Archer said: “In a digital age this makes perfect sense. I don’t see why women’s rights, a free-market economy and climate change can’t be solved by tons of blokes waving flags.”
Flag waver, Maxwell Benson said: “We’re running flag workshops so that really simple folk can learn all about the different colours and their meanings – even though none of us know what they mean and they’re all technically ‘grey’.”
“Waving a flag once every 8 years is a difficult job – I make it look easy.”