Racing
Steward confirms ‘explanation noted’ really means ‘f*ck off’
Rabid badgers have eaten through Scutter Park’s 12 fences overnight, forcing the three day meeting to close.
This year’s three day festival at Scutter Park – named the ‘outhouse in jump racing’s garden’ – has been abandoned after badgers munched through all the birch fences.
An initial check of the course revealed all the hurdles intact, but, to ground staff’s horror, the chase course was missing every one of its twelve fences.
Baffled to find all fences vanished, clerk of the course Tarquin Bibby was almost in tears as he performed his routine 6 am inspection.
Bibby said: “At first we thought it was aliens, or some elaborate thieves – but then we noticed a troupe of bloated, passed-out badgers sleeping in the regulation ditch.
“We have terrible problems with badgers: we laughed when we found my assistant clerk bound and gagged in the woods in an old sett. Since then I’ve had my car tyres slashed, my ignition cord cut and my engine sabotaged.
“They have an immense network and are always one step ahead of us: they’re basically criminal masterminds.”
Badger, Gareth Timms said: “That Bovine TB badger cull in 2013 wiped out all my friends and family. We’re not even yet.”
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The BHA has recommended other industries follow suit on their policy of men waving flags at each other.
Despite the Industrial Revolution, developments in AI and with the Quantum age just around the corner advancing human understanding, the BHA insist on flag men waving bits of stick at one another.
But now, other industries like banking, crime and NASA are being encouraged to do the same.
Flag operations coordinator Gareth Timms said: “There’s only one tried-and-tested way of getting sh*t done and that’s waving loads of flags.”
“Anyone who doesn’t understand flags is a simple idiot and needs locking up.”
“If you’ve got health problems, struggling with a relationship, or financial woes, you might consider waving flags – as many as you can.”
“Don’t worry about the immediate descent into chaos your life will suffer by doing absolutely nothing to address the problem, simply blame it on everyone else.”
Minister for Culture, Alf Archer said: “In a digital age this makes perfect sense. I don’t see why women’s rights, a free-market economy and climate change can’t be solved by tons of blokes waving flags.”
Flag waver, Maxwell Benson said: “We’re running flag workshops so that really simple folk can learn all about the different colours and their meanings – even though none of us know what they mean and they’re all technically ‘grey’.”
“Waving a flag once every 8 years is a difficult job – I make it look easy.”
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Justin
24th March 2020 at 2:52 pm
Long time supporter, and thought I’d drop a comment.
Your wordpress site is very sleek – hope you don’t mind me asking what
theme you’re using? (and don’t mind if I steal it?
:P)
I just launched my site –also built in wordpress like yours– but the theme slows (!) the site
down quite a bit.
In case you have a minute, you can find it by searching for “royal cbd” on Google (would appreciate any feedback) – it’s still in the works.
Keep up the good work– and hope you all take care of yourself during the coronavirus scare!