Smocks for plebs in new racecourse dress code

Published

4 months ago

11th October 2019

Leonard Collins

Plebs will wear smocks and sandals at all UK racecourses in a new relaxed dress code

A new relaxed dress code will allow pleb race goers wear smocks and sandals when attending UK racecourses.

Race goers who have owners’ badges, a private education or a quiff will continue to wear morning dress.

Following 742 days consultation, the fashion think tank ‘Kits Off’ has come up with the solution to ease the pressure on racing fans knowing how to dress up.

Shelley Craps, Kits Off event’s organiser said:

“We know it’s really hard for people who aren’t as middle class as us to put the right clothes on so we’ve spared them the complicated decision.”

Smocks for plebs in new racecourse dress code — Fashion think tank ‘Kits Off’ thinks plebs should dress as agricultural workers when visiting any UK racecourse

“The medieval serf or agricultural worker look is hot this year for non-Royal Enclosure – or pleb – guests.”

“We’re doing them a favour; I wouldn’t wipe sh*t up with some of the ‘suits’ they wore last year.”

Keith Vim, chief steward at Ascot said:

“Anyone who turns up at our gates who has forgotten to dress properly can wear socks and pants.

“We don’t have any lockers so they can leave their non-regulation clothes 6 miles down the road – by the pie shop bins.”

Hair and Wigs

While the Middle Ages aren’t many people’s first choice for a new hair style, a selection of second hand wigs will be available to rent alongside a massively overpriced race programme book.

“A Richard II bob has been very popular with pleb men in our trials, and can be rented for just £165 for the day,” said Craps.

“They all have anti-theft ink tags under the head so don’t even try to walk out the course with them on.”

Pleb racegoer Gareth Timms said: “I get to wear my normal clothes to the track? F*cking fantastic!”

Don’t Miss

Racing called off as floodlights go OUT on Bookmaker logos

Published

3 weeks ago

8th January 2020

Desdemona Phelps

Racing called off as floodlights go OUT on Bookmaker logos

Furious betting chiefs pulled the plug on racing last night after Scutter Park’s power failure left bookmaker logos unilluminated.

Betting giant Mugbet was incensed with rage after a power failure left its two thousand bookmaker logos in the dark along the home straight at Scutter Park racecourse.

While it was light enough to run the race Mugbet prevented any racing from going ahead unless their “Where the Nation PAYS” betting banners were fully lit up.

Additionally, the lack of power meant Mugbet’s popular effigy of a dead, crucified punter was unable to be hoisted up.

Jockey Tarquin Bibby said: “All the jockeys had made the full Sign of the Cross before the Mugbet logo in the weighing room using holy water.

“We were all set to receive our riding instructions from the bookmakers in the paddock, but then Keith [Vim, Mugbet’s head of Communications] told us all to get back in and say nothing.”

Trainer Alf Archer said: “None of the horses could have raced anyway as they’d walked 250 miles around the parade ring waiting for an announcement.”

Mugbet spokesman, Dik Venom said: “I don’t care how many circles the stable boys walked or whether these horses travelled up from Timbuctoo, you’d better get our logo on every inch of that straight lit up or we’re closing this place down.

“As punishment, senior racecourse executives will wear high-vis Mugbet jackets like the golf sale ad men on Regent Street and be paraded in just their underpants. Mugbet underpants.”

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Racecourses

Abandoning waterlogged meeting ‘for wimps’ says crazy b*stard manager

Published

3 months ago

15th November 2019

Desdemona Phelps

Scutter Park’s general manager has blasted calls to abandon the waterlogged meeting as ‘wimpish bullsh*t’

While basking sharks are swimming upsides the grandstand windows, Scutter Park’s general manager – former army Captain Gareth Timms – has slammed those calling for an abandoning the waterlogged meeting as a load of ‘f*cking wimps’.

“I’m sitting in a 3 foot stream of water in my office. It’s up to my waist and I’m wearing shorts and a snorkel.”

“Get your swimming trunks on and get those f*cking horses on that track,” yelled Captain Timms.

Trainer Maxwell Benson, who had declared runners at today’s meeting, said: “It’s the end of the world – the Great Deluge has arrived, but that crazy bastard Timms told us racing goes ahead because horses can swim.”

“The racecourse management team put it down to him being a hard, ex-army leader, but I put it down to him being a f*cking lunatic.”

Chestnut gelding Jimmy Jumpsuit, last year’s Scutter Novices’ Hurdle winner said: “We have stacks of fun splashing around.”

“My dream job is at one of those water parks, giving the nod to swimmers going down the slides – let’s race damn it!”