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Racehorses to wear jousting costumes



Jousting costumes with 10-foot numbers that wrap around entire racehorses will replace normal saddle cloths at the end of next year

New research from the Committee for Gambling (CfG) concluded that thoroughbred racehorses in the UK should wear jousting costumes to cater for the partially-blind.

In a bid to modernise the sport the £68 million initiative has come up with one incentive to make runners clearly visible to race goers. CfG official spokesman, Gareth Tims said:

“The days of idiots who don’t even know which horses they have bet on are over”.

However, the move has not been welcomed by everyone, with some trainers slamming the practice as ‘unworkable’. 

Lambourn trainer Bill Chahan said: “I’ve never heard anything as stupid as wrapping horses in table cloths for a few blind folk.”

Thoroughbred race horses will wear jousting costumes with giant number cloths in all races in the UK to cater for the partially-blind.
Jousting costumes will show giant number cloths for partially-blind punters

Reflecting on the trial at Chelmsford, in which a field of 12 runners took part last week, Chahan could hardly mask his fury:

“Four of them tripped over, two of them ran the wrong way and one of them had their costume blow over the jockey’s head in the wind.”

“We don’t know what happened to the other five.”

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1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. Cosimo

    4th October 2019 at 10:32 am

    Is this Racing for Change initiative by any chance?

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Mensa confirms horse has higher IQ than Jockey



Mensa Confirms Racehorse Jimmy jumpsuit with an IQ of 160 is smarter than his jockey

With an IQ of 160, race horse Jimmy Jumpsuit is officially brainier than his jockey and trainer combined

The exclusive Mensa society confirmed race horse Jimmy Jumpsuit is now among the world’s cleverest after completing two supervised IQ tests last week.

Scoring 160, 8-year old chaser Jimmy Jumpsuit is officially cleverer than Carol Vorderman, but on a par with Einstein, Steven Hawking and Sylvester Stallone.

Dr Gareth Timms, Mensa IQ coordinator said:  “With the so-called genius benchmark at 140, Jimmy is probably the horse equivalent of Rain Man.”

Jockey Maxwell Benson said: “He’s always using long words I don’t understand, which probably explains our miscommunication and why he hasn’t won a race yet.”

By the time he was a yearling he could speak six languages, including Latin and Ancient Greek, and give his trainer financial advice.

Trainer Alf Archer said: “He might not be the best chaser, but he can complete a tax return in about six minutes.”

“When he was little, he used to get shunned by all the other foals and called ‘geek’. Now he sits in his shed plotting their downfalls.”

Rival horse, Timmy Tracksuit said: “Because he’s so clever he works out where we have to finish to get the Trixies up. However his instructions were too complicated and we all fell over. He said we’re all ‘useless thickoes’ and gave up racing to learn quantum mechanics.”

Jimmy Jumpsuit said: “These tests confirm something I’ve known for a long time: I’m a genius. Having thought about it, I’m of the opinion that most people are morons – f*cking idiots, and should be treated so!”

“However, while I see the beauty in calculus and the golden ratio, I’d much rather be chomping on grass and rolling in mud – if you don’t mind.”

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New headgear ‘gees-up’ horses with Thrash Metal



Scientists have created new headgear that ‘gees-up’ horses with Thrash Metal to run at supersonic speeds.

New headgear can make horses gallop fast enough to break the sound barrier, or stop to a sleep.

The headgear contains internal speakers and ‘gees up’ horses to supersonic speeds of Mach 1.6 – 1.6 times the speed of sound – or 1227.6 mph.

Somewhere between a traditional horse visor and a diving helmet, the headgear makes horses run fast, or slow depending on the transmitted sounds.

Weighing 16 kilos (35lb), the device is made of reinforced steel, concrete and papier mache.

Named Trefla’s Confined Bazongoid’– or ‘Bazongi’ – each device costs around £12,550 and is approved by bookmakers.

Creator, Dr Timmy Trefla designed the helmet to help wayward horses.

“Originally the headgear would block out noise runners might encounter on a racecourse, like ice cream vans, merry-go-rounds and screaming dickheads.” 

Thrash Metal

“However, we found Bazongi increased a horse’s chance of winning if we set it to play Thrash Metal at incredibly loud volumes.” Dr Trefla explained.

“In this instance, the horse can make up dozens of extra lengths per furlong as it tries to run away from the dreadful sound. This means Cheetahs are no longer the fastest land mammal! ”

“We tested it on quarter horses” said Dr Trefla. “Some of them broke the sound barrier, but when we played them relaxing music, they lay down and started snoring in the middle of the track.”

All runners carrying the new headgear will have the abbreviation ‘Bz’ next to their name.

…they can make up dozens of lengths as they try to run away from the dreadful sound – Dr Timmy Trefla

Mugbet spokesman Dik Venom said:

“As long as all the favourites and 2nd favs have comatosed music, and the outsiders get souped-up – and no one (except us) can work out what the horses are listening to – the Bazongis will have a future in our sport.”

Racehorse Jimmy Jumpsuit said: “Personally I’m more of a Bon Jovi fan, but whatever.”

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