Punters

Bookmakers: “Punter of the Year Award can f*ck off”

Published

3 weeks ago

19th November 2019

Punter of the Year award called 'obscene' by bookmakers in furious rant

Bookmakers have branded a new ‘Punter of the Year‘ initiative – to recognise the best gambler in a calendar year – ‘obscene’ in a furious rant.

Bookmakers, racecourses, and horse racing groups who are all funded from gamblers’ losing money have blasted a new award to recognise heroics in punters as ‘obscene’.

Launched today by the Institute for Losers, the Punter of the Year award has been opposed by bookmakers who are ‘livid with rage’ at honouring ‘a load of f*cking sh*t bags’.

The first of its kind, a punter’s award would recognise the exploits of people who win money from bookmakers.

Mugbet’s Dik Venom said: “It’s insane to honour scumbags who rob our dosh.”

“You think parasites who steal from us need a trophy? Quarantining is what they need.”

Keith Vim said: “While 21 Betting Shop Manager of the Year finalists alone have collectively been paid over £500,000 salaries from gamblers’ losing bets over the last 12 months, honouring anyone who wants to take 1p of that money away from us is ‘outrageous’.”

“A Jockey of the year, Trainer of the year, Horse of the year, Groom of the year, Owner of the year, Racecourse of the Year, Broadcaster of the year, a Betting Logo Stitcher of the year – even a Betting Shop Manager of the year – are all established awards, however no plaudits should exists for scumbag punters who keep this show on the road.”

Shop manager Alf Archer said: “The Betting Shop Manager of the Year award comes with a VIP trip to Hong Kong. If anyone wins money from us, who’s going to pay my five grand ticket and fifty grand a year expenses if I win?”

Punter Gareth Timms said: “We’re not asking for a lot, given that we pay for everyone else to have a good time.”

“We’re told shouldn’t win any money because it’s bad for the levy, but there’s always an endless supply of cash to pay bookmakers’ salaries, TV stations, and the gambling charities their 6-figure per year salaries.”

“While I’m not allowed to win more than 3 quid on a bet, there are millions of pounds per year for pointless jockey betting blogs, and those pom-pom hats and woolly coats for trainers struggling to scrape by on £3 million per year in prize money.”

Bookmakers

Supermarkets to prevent punters from buying groceries

Published

1 month ago

6th November 2019

Leonard Collins

Supermarkets have teamed up with bookmakers to stop winning punters from shopping in their stores.

Mugbet bookmakers have teamed up with big supermarkets to prevent winning punters from spending any profits they make from gambling in their food stores.

Mugbet’s Director of Bookmaking Propaganda, Mrs Clare Simon, said:

“Let’s starve the f*ckers who take our lovely cash. No fruit or veg, nor any ready meals. Not even a can of Tizer!”

Chicken mysteriously vanishes after locking man out of betting account

New ‘Bet-Less’ service lets punters lose cash without even gambling

Described as the ‘final frontier’ in obliterating winners, the deal will create a global database of ‘bastards’ and employ more than 2,500 new people to operate their new systems.

While the deal is subject to regulatory approval, it has been recommended and approved by the boards of both companies.

Facial Recognition

A £300 million investment in facial recognition infrastructure has been approved by Mugbet to give the supermarkets the ability to recognise winners with AI.

Supermarkets to prevent punters from buying groceries — Winning punters will have their ugly mugs zapped by a laser as they walk through the supermarket door and prevented from buying any material goods.

While betting shops have distributed images of winning punters taken via their in-house CCTV, the identification process was reliant on a manager or cashier to spot the person in the flesh, allowing many to ‘slip though the net’.

“Punters will have their ugly mugs zapped by a laser as they walk through the supermarket door.”

“Before they’ve even got to the sausage rolls, a security guard will twist their ears push them about or give them a good duffing up, they have our blessing.”

“Money well spent.”

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Punters

Help for Shed-Dwelling Gambler who Downsized 16 times

Published

1 month ago

4th November 2019

Desdemona Phelps

shed-dwelling gambler living in an abandoned riverside chalet downsized sixteen times

Community activists have launched a campaign to help a shed-dwelling gambler who downsized 16 times and is now living in an abandoned riverside chalet

Measures are underway to find better accommodation and clothing for shed-dwelling gambler Gareth Timms, 59, who sleeps in his bathtub.

Timms sold his first home twelve years ago to pay off gambling debts, but then carried on betting.

Downsizing sixteen times, Timms has ended up living in an abandoned riverside chalet.

Community leader Tarquin Bibby said: “Gareth’s downsized 16 times now. He started off in a five bedroom house in Surrey – now he lives in a shed.”

“Sadly, stories like Gareth’s aren’t unique. We are doing what we can to help him before his shed ends up in a landfill site.”

Washing in the nearby stream, shed-dweller Timms reflects philosophically on his situation:

“Winter is a bit chilly, the wind and rain are bitter, but a life with no bets is bloody depressing.”

Launching a crowdfunding page, the local community have raised £32 to buy him a blanket.

“F*ck that” said Timms. “Just get me a scratch card.”