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Deranged gambler who played ‘punishment roulette’ with bookmaker walks free

A failed gambler who played ‘punishment roulette’ with his bookmaker has walked free from court

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Deranged gambler who played ‘punishment roulette’ with bookmaker walks free

A failed, deranged gambler who played ‘punishment roulette’ with his bookmaker has walked free from court

Unhinged gambler Gareth Timms had been on trial accused of causing unnecessary suffering to a bookmaker by playing a twisted form of roulette, forcing the victim to ‘choose his own punishment’.

Sicko Gareth Timms spanked bookmaker Dik Venom, 59, with a Racing Post for 60 hours at an address near Perth racecourse, a court heard.

The Crown had alleged that 41-year-old Mr Timms had ordered Mr Venom ‘pick a number’ which corresponded to a chastisement only known to the unruly nutjob.

It was alleged that the deranged Timms bungled Venom into the back of his Ford Fiesta and drove him to a cellar last May after a particularly bad losing spell.

Pelted with Losing Slips

Crackpot Timms had been accused of pelting Venom with losing betting slips and playing the Skybet advert music continuously for 3 days.

Bookmaker Venom, who broke down giving evidence, said:

“I’m still traumatised by the sight of Jeff Stelling’s gold suit.”

“The utter headcase said he wouldn’t let me go unless I could verify my identity with a passport and a utility bill – which I obviously couldn’t.”

Venom was able to escape when the vile thug passed out from exhaustion after reading the bookmaker’s terms and conditions.

Full Sympathies

But fiscal depute Tarquin Bibby dropped all the charges against the maniac at Glasgow Sheriff Court when he sympathised with his plight.

“I backed all the same losers as Wack Job Timms; therefore he has my full sympathies. Case dismissed.”

The bookmaker said the experience made him more considerate towards punters, “but only for about 5 minutes”.

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Bookmakers

Bookmakers’ coronavirus advice: “keep losing, or else”

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‘Dire consequences will follow unless punters keep losing money during the coronavirus lockdown’, bookmaker warns.

‘Dire consequences will follow unless punters keep losing money betting during the coronavirus lockdown’, bookmaker warns.

Betting giant Mugbet has warned of ‘dire consequences’ unless customers continue to lose cash during the coronavirus lockdown.

Keith Vim, Mugbet spokesman said: “We’ve tried sending our worst tipsters out on dreadful foreign stuff with links to all our Mugbet affiliates.

“We’ve sent generous “lose a grand get 36p” vouchers through the post.

“We’ve even taken the precaution of leaving a few betting slips in with the temperature charts in hospital beds, but no one’s interested.

‘Dire consequences will follow unless punters keep losing money during the coronavirus lockdown’, bookmaker warns.
Punters can still lose with Mugbet during the coronavirus lockdown regardless of location

“If we don’t get our £300 million bonuses, I promise you it’s bad news for you lot.

“When the shops re-open we won’t be offering odds, you won’t get a bet on and we will settle winners as and when we feel like it – if at all.”

Punter Gareth Timms said: “Business as usual then!”

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Betting Shops

1 DAY with no beaten favourites makes bookmaker EXPLODE in giant fireball

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1 DAY with no beaten favourites makes bookmaker EXPLODE in giant fireball
Spontaneous human combustion to blame after manager explodes in giant fireball following 1 day with no beaten favourites due to coronavirus shop closure.

Police have cordoned off Mugbet’s Gravesend outlet after betting shop manager Keith Vim went into spontaneous human combustion and blew up the building.

Closed due to the coronavirus outbreak, it is thought the betting shop manager was engulfed in a giant fireball after going 24 hours with no punters to rip off or any beaten favourites to lay.

No one was hurt after the blast ripped through the shop’s television gantry, ATM machine and BAGs cards, but self-service betting terminals were beyond repair.

Mugbet’s Dik Venom said: “All that remained of Keith was a steaming pile of ash where he once sat. But don’t worry, you can still bet by post.”

Bookmaking DNA

Examining Vim’s burned-to-a-cinder remains, scientists quickly studied the material and made a shocking discovery.

Bookmakers may be genetically different to other human beings.
Bookmakers’ Mitochondria explode violently after just 24 hours with no exposure to beaten favourites.

Identifying a weakness in bookmaker DNA, the research confirms the team’s belief that Bookmakers are genetically different to other human beings.

Professor of genomics at Scutter University, Dr. Gareth Timms said:

“Bookmakers’ genetics are completely stable for up to 24 hours as long as there is a steady flow of opportunities to cheat, pay off authorities, or con people out of money.

“However, their Mitochondria explode violently after just 24 hours with no exposure to beaten favourites.

“While this discovery is ground breaking, we had better prepare for more explosions up and down the country if this coronavirus closes any more betting shops and prevents them from ripping customers off for much longer.”

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Bookmakers

“Weren’t we supposed to lose?” horse asks jockey

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“Weren’t we supposed to lose?” horse asks jockey
Mugbet furious as betting ambassador jockey Alf Archer wins race causing £30 payout

Furious bookmaking firm Mugbet have slammed their betting ambassador jockey Alf Archer for winning a race – causing them to pay out as much as £30.

While Archer was held up 40 lengths detached from the field in the ‘Lose Twenty Grand with Mugbet get 6p in free bets’ 2 mile handicap hurdle, drama unfolded as his nine opponents either fell or ran out – leaving him as the only finisher.

Winning horse Jimmy Jumpsuit said: “We were 7-2 second favourite so I’m sure we were meant to finish last, but what do I know?”

Taking on the morning racing television programme her firm sponsors, Mugbet’s head of Communications, Mrs Claire Simon said: “Archer still hasn’t got the message: we pay him sh*t loads of cash, but he still thinks he should win.

“Torture is now an option.”

“We haven’t decided yet but forcing him to sit through a whole hour of one of our betting shop TV pundits drivel on about “well backed” runners seems a good place to start.”

Archer said: “Please, anything but that – give me thumb screws or waterboarding, I promise to change.”

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