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Pundits’ UK Tour to bore racing fans sh*tless

Leonard Collins

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Racing pundits will tour the UK in a massive ‘punting’ truck, promising to bore horse racing fans to tears.
Racing pundits tour UK in ‘punting’ truck to bore horse racing fans sh*tless

18 horse racing pundits promise to absolutely bore horse racing fans 'sh*tless' with a tour of all the UK’s courses.

Spending the next year in the self-styled ‘Punting Truck’, the 100-word-a-minute wafflers promise to bring all their meaningful sayings, like 'pace', 'easy lead' and 'got the fractions right' to racing fans' doorsteps.

The tour hits the road this September with all your favourite Timeform gurus and their meaningless charts.

Prizes include a fake stubble kit so that you too can get the sandpapery half-beard look popular in Halifax.

"If you didn't hate racing before," gushed pundit Maxwell Benson "you will now."

Pundit Tarquin Bibby said: “Our 7-hour workshops will let racing fans hear all their favourite clichés like ‘evenly-run race’, ‘wanting for pressure’ and any other bullshit we’ve made up.

"There are beds for anyone falling asleep the moment we start waffling, or televisions with our faces on for people to kick in, just in case they are missing doing so at home.

“It’s hard making a terrific sport so interesting and thrilling sound so utterly dull and pointless that paying enthusiasts will want to violently kill themselves.

UK horse racing pundits will tour in a Punting truck
Racing pundits will tour the UK in a ‘punting truck', promising to bore horse racing fans to tears

Tour organiser Leonard Jeffries said: “I imagine this is what being taken hostage is like – except you're paying for it.

“You’ll probably lose the will to live and shoot yourself – or one of us!

"It’s f*cking brilliant!”

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