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Pundits’ brains zapped with electricity to talk b*ollocks

Tony Titt

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Pundits’ brains zapped with electricity to talk b*llocks all day

New research shows that pundits’ brains are actually blasted with hundreds of millions of volts in real time, via implanted electrical circuitry to give them the incredible ability of talking utter tosh.

Previously, their super human powers to keep rabbiting on were misunderstood.

But now, Scutter University has revealed the bookmakers' puppets have their brains zapped to disrupt the flow of sensible thoughts.

Chief Technology Officer, Professor Gareth Timms, said:

“Take this race here: the favourite is an absolute stand out and is certain to win.

"BUT, *presses big red button, we can make the pundit say: ‘the 1000-1 is well-backed into 999-1get on now’.

"Amazing eh?”

Bookmakers have fitted horse racing pundit’s brains with electrodes to disrupt the flow of sensible thoughts

"By talking down the chances of obvious winners, sh*t-chatting pundits save their employers hundreds of millions of pounds every year."

Neural Excrement

“To disrupt cognitive function” professor Timms enthused, “a neural implant gathers data from one area of the brain.

"It holds it to ransom in an ‘electrochemical pulse masher’, then obliterates sensible thoughts - a bit like a garlic hammer.”

“The implants destroy all sensible beliefs, feelings and judgements in a millionth of a second. Then, a second chip replaces them with ‘neural excrement’ - or 'shit'.”

Timms believes his creation can take sensible, intelligent candidates and make them appear to have ‘no f*cking clue’.

 

Professor Gareth Timms' implants zap horse racing pundits' brains with electricity, turning sensible candidates into sh*t-chatters

Professor Gareth Timms’ implants turn sensible candidates into ecstatic sh*t-chatters, saving bookmakers hundreds of millions of pounds per year.

“By passing the sensible part of the brain that normally questions such rubbish, we push the signal to another brain region we want to operate, i.e., the mouth.”

"Hey presto - you have an endless twaddle talker who looks presentable."

However, sorting out the sandpapery half-beards and smug bastardry - well that's way beyond our capabilities."

Human Rights groups however have questioned the ethics of Professor Timms work, with hundreds of prototypes tested before he finalised the present version.

On the Loose

“In the early days we hadn’t worked out the calibration. Some of the pundits we first tested, for instance, were not wired up right or even neurologically sound.

"A stray signal would force them to wave their arms, legs or make them sprint off.

“Although we haven’t seen them for years, some of them are still on the loose in Halifax.”

Pundit Tarquin Bibby told The Scutter: “We don’t have to think anything; a man in a booth in the North Sea transmits our selections to us, and all the rubbish in between.”

“Some of the flannel-mouthed yappers have had so much electricity over the years they have to be locked away in giant plastic Tupperware boxes at night.”

“It’s some skill to make an exciting, thrilling sport with a paying audience want to switch off and kill themselves.”

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