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Plan to replace whips with kazoos sees horses lose sh*t

Leonard Collins

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Plan to replace whip with kazoos thwarted as horses lose their sh*t.

Horses have scuppered the latest incentive to replace whips with air horn canisters, kazoos or vuvuzelas.

The plan had been to implement a new form of safety, correction and encouragement with short, sharp blasts from musical instruments throughout the racing industry from September onwards.

But their use has caused horses to go into absolute meltdown.

While tooting on a horn is thought to be ‘horse friendly’ and less cruel than the traditional whip their use has caused runners to run backwards, roll over at the start or simply neigh out of madness.

A new rule to replace whips with kazoos has seen racehorses go into meltdown.

Racehorse Jimmy Jumpsuit said: "What a f*cking liberty.

"When I was a foal, the lads used to torment me with those party horns. Just the sight of them makes me go cold - heartless bastards. Give me the whip any day”

A study commissioned by animal rights group Veganghast determined that trumpets and trombones were more humane than a foam cushioned whip. However, they agreed that 6 foot brass instruments were impractical for jockeys to carry, so more portable devices - like football klaxons or kazoos - should be used instead.

The recent trial at Chelmsford, where all jockeys carried party horns and miniature trumpets descended into madness when all the runners went berserk, pulling up or running off into the bushes and across the motorway.

Jockey Alf Archer said: “Some of us forgot how to play the kazoos, and the air horns wouldn’t fire when we pulled the pins so we ended up going ‘waaaahh’."

Air horn canisters, party horns or vuvuzelas will be used as an alternative to whips

Keeping a stiff upper whip: air horn canisters, party horns or vuvuzelas have caused horses to go into meltdown

Donkey, Gareth Timms said: "That kazoo nonsense sounds barbaric and cruel.

“My days are spent struggling through 17 hour days, carrying 20 tons of building bricks to build sheds.

"I'm just grateful for a quiet life."

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