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New pawnbroker bookies offer cashless betting

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New Pawnbroker Bookies are allowing punters cashless betting for the very first time.

With any material goods as a form of currency, the new Cashless Bookies mixes a traditional pawnbroker with a betting shop.

Punters will be able to swap their clothes, vehicles, or pets for a loan to the equivalent collateral.

If the loan is repaid in the contractually agreed timeframe – typically 1 hour – the item may be repurchased at its initial price plus interest.

New Pawnbroker Betting Shops are allowing punters to bet cashless for the very first time.

Harry Bore, Mugbet spokesman said:

“You know what it’s like: you’ve done your balls, you’ve got no cash and there’s a dead cert running in the next.

“Your mate won’t give you any cash because he’s skint too. What do you do?”

Shirt Off Your Back

“Write your bet out as normal and head down to the Goods Exchange Window and we will take anything: photographs of deceased relatives, your children’s artwork or stuff that isn’t even yours.”

“We can literally have the shirt off your back –with interest.”

“What’s more exhilarating than knowing you’ll have to walk home stark b*llock naked if you lose?”

Winning punters do not have to accept cash on a successful bet, but instead can go home with someone else’s ‘lost’ goods.

Punter Gareth Timms, who experienced the new style pawnbroker bookies said: “I gave them the keys to my ice cream van and left with a bag of potatoes.”

“The last leg of my Lucky 15 let me down: bloody favourite lost to his 10-1 stablemate.”

“I wanted the ‘reconditioned fridge’, which, to me, looked suspiciously like a wardrobe.”

The nationwide rollout is expected to take place in 2059.

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Betting Shops

Punter flummoxed by friendly betting shop staff

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punter flummoxed by friendly betting shop staff

A punter was totally baffled when a friendly betting shop staff member said “hello”.

When unemployed dog punter Gareth Timms, 49, visited his local Mugbet betting shop, a pleasant, friendly member of staff greeted him with a smile.

“I nearly sh*t myself” said the dumbfounded Timms. “When I walked in the young lass behind the counter looked up and smiled.

‘Hello’ she said.”

“I wondered whether she wanted to check if I was stealing the Racing Post? Or was I pinching the free biscuits and sh*tty coffee? She just said ‘lovely day isn’t it’.”

“I nearly spontaneously human combusted!”

Man scoops jackpot after putting cheese slices into roulette machine

Keith Vim, Mugbet’s retail spokesman said: “While our industry thrives on scowling and treating punters with the contempt they deserve there will sadly be some exceptions.”

“The young lady was new but soon she’ll be smoking at the counter, telling punters to f*ck off and accusing them of being on the dole – and asking if she can go home early.”

“If she does end up serving them, she will do so with a hot dog in one hand and a Cornetto in the other. They will f*cking wait till she’s finished eating them.”

This publication spoke to Shelley Craps, the pleasant cashier in question:

“I was just being nice, but apparently I’ll be hating every single one them in a few days.”

“My manager told me try to feel good about paying my mortgage off from these sad losers’ bets that have gone down, and gave me advice for how to treat winners.”

“This pamphlet ‘Dealing with Vermin’ is a big help.”

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Betting

Mystery deepens as ‘bookie-runner’ dog disappears with cash

Missing for three days, St Bernard Gareth Timms’ time-stamp machine was found in a ditch

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Mystery deepens as 'bookie-runner' St Bernard dog Gareth Timms disappears with cash

The disappearance of ‘bookie-runner’ St Bernard dog Gareth Timms has made him chief suspect in Mugbet’s missing cash saga

The mystery over Mugbet’s lost revenues deepened last night after fears their bookie dog ‘runner’ disappeared with all the cash.

Gareth Timms an 8-year old St Bernard dog worked circulating local pubs and bingo halls taking bets from customers.

Instead of a brandy neck cask, Gareth Timms came equipped with a time stamp machine so punters could verify their own bets.

However, Gareth had not been seen for three days after his scheduled ‘check in’ and despite extensive searches only his time-stamp machine could be found in a ditch.

Mugbet’s Keith Vim said: “Please, if anyone’s seen our lovely big brown bag of cash please return it to us asap.”

Punter Alf Archer said: “The St Bernard dog with the old bus conductor’s ticket machine? One year we had 8 feet of snow and no electricity, but he dug us out and took bets. I hope he’s OK.”

Speaking to this publication, Gareth Timms said: “I’ve saved up and I’ve got enough here to retire in a Swiss Chalet. If I see another each way Round f*cking Robin I’ll bite someone.”

“My golden years won’t be filled rescuing dickhead travellers who’ve gone astray, topping them up with a stiff drink, nosiree.”

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