Betting Shops

Pawnbroker bookies lets you gamble with socks and underpants

Published

1 week ago

15th February 2020

Tony Titt

Pawnbroker betting shop lets you gamble with socks and underpants

A new Pawnbroker Betting Shop allows punters to bet with their clothes, vehicles or pets.

Lucky Gravesend gamblers can now pop into Mugbet’s new pawnbroker-style betting shop, swap their clothes, vehicles, or pets for a loan to the equivalent collateral – then place a BET.

With any material goods as a form of currency, the new Cashless service mixes a traditional pawnbroker with a betting shop.

“We’ll take anything,” says manager Keith Vim. “…car exhausts, socks & underpants, photographs of deceased relatives, your children’s artwork – you name it.”

If the loan is repaid in the contractually agreed timeframe – typically 1 hour – the item may be repurchased at its initial price plus interest.

Shirt Off Your Back

“You know what it’s like: you’ve done your bollocks, you’ve got no cash and there’s a dead cert running in the next. Your mate won’t give you any cash because he’s skint too.

“Write your bet out as normal and head down to the Goods Exchange Window. We’ll literally have the shirt off your back – with commission on top.”

“What’s more exhilarating than knowing you’ll have to walk home stark naked if you lose?”

**Gamblers in Gravesend, Kent will be able to bet with socks, underpants or vehicles at Mugbet’s new Pawnbroker-style bookies**

Goods Exchange

Winning punters do not have to accept cash on a successful bet, but instead can go home with someone else’s ‘lost’ goods.

Punter Gareth Timms, who experienced the new style pawnbroker bookies, said:

“I gave them the keys to my ice cream van and left with a bag of potatoes.”

“I wanted the ‘reconditioned fridge’, which, to me, looked suspiciously like a wardrobe.”

Harry Bore, bookmaking Mugbet spokesman said: “Business is going well: some bloke had a bad day on the roulette machines, so he traded in his German shepherd. Say hello to Collin! He loves it here don’t you boy?”

“Please can I go home?” barked Collin.

Betting Shops

Bookmaker fuming after losing 6p

Published

6 days ago

19th February 2020

Desdemona Phelps

bookmaker mugbet was fuming after losing 6p

Fuming Mugbet has removed coffee machines, papers and chairs from its shops after punter lands 4p win single

Betting giant Mugbet has cancelled all concessions after regular Saturday afternoon punter Gareth Timms backed Jimmy Jumpsuit to win the Grade 2 Scutter Hurdle at 6-4 – netting him a tidy 6p profit.

Despite Mugbet studios telling everyone to bet on the stablemate to the eventual winner – the second favourite, Timmy Tracksuit, who tailed off last – Timms hit them hard with the last of his 4p change.

Mugbet’s Director of Communications, Mrs Claire Simon said: “Due to our heavy loss, all shops will be stripped of goodies.”

“I’m not just talking about 10% or 20% Odds Boosts – but no more coffee, no papers…not even chairs.

“You f*ckers can stand.”

Mugbet branch manager Sid Creep said: “Ironically, the shop’s been crowded after this new ‘Standing-Room Only’ policy.

“Next step is to remove all betting and charge everyone £1000 for standing in a blank room.”

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Betting Shops

Punter flummoxed by friendly betting shop staff

Published

4 months ago

30th October 2019

Tony Titt

punter flummoxed by friendly betting shop staff

A punter was totally baffled when a friendly betting shop staff member said “hello”.

When unemployed dog punter Gareth Timms, 49, visited his local Mugbet betting shop, a pleasant, friendly member of staff greeted him with a smile.

“I nearly sh*t myself” said the dumbfounded Timms. “When I walked in the young lass behind the counter looked up and smiled.

‘Hello’ she said.”

“I wondered whether she wanted to check if I was stealing the Racing Post? Or was I pinching the free biscuits and sh*tty coffee? She just said ‘lovely day isn’t it’.”

“I nearly spontaneously human combusted!”

Man scoops jackpot after putting cheese slices into roulette machine

Keith Vim, Mugbet’s retail spokesman said: “While our industry thrives on scowling and treating punters with the contempt they deserve there will sadly be some exceptions.”

“The young lady was new but soon she’ll be smoking at the counter, telling punters to f*ck off and accusing them of being on the dole – and asking if she can go home early.”

“If she does end up serving them, she will do so with a hot dog in one hand and a Cornetto in the other. They will f*cking wait till she’s finished eating them.”

This publication spoke to Shelley Craps, the pleasant cashier in question:

“I was just being nice, but apparently I’ll be hating every single one them in a few days.”

“My manager told me try to feel good about paying my mortgage off from these sad losers’ bets that have gone down, and gave me advice for how to treat winners.”

“This pamphlet ‘Dealing with Vermin’ is a big help.”

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Betting

Mystery deepens as ‘bookie-runner’ dog disappears with cash

Missing for three days, St Bernard Gareth Timms’ time-stamp machine was found in a ditch

Published

4 months ago

22nd October 2019

Desdemona Phelps

Mystery deepens as 'bookie-runner' St Bernard dog Gareth Timms disappears with cash

The disappearance of ‘bookie-runner’ St Bernard dog Gareth Timms has made him chief suspect in Mugbet’s missing cash saga

The mystery over Mugbet’s lost revenues deepened last night after fears their bookie dog ‘runner’ disappeared with all the cash.

Gareth Timms an 8-year old St Bernard dog worked circulating local pubs and bingo halls taking bets from customers.

Instead of a brandy neck cask, Gareth Timms came equipped with a time stamp machine so punters could verify their own bets.

However, Gareth had not been seen for three days after his scheduled ‘check in’ and despite extensive searches only his time-stamp machine could be found in a ditch.

Mugbet’s Keith Vim said: “Please, if anyone’s seen our lovely big brown bag of cash please return it to us asap.”

Punter Alf Archer said: “The St Bernard dog with the old bus conductor’s ticket machine? One year we had 8 feet of snow and no electricity, but he dug us out and took bets. I hope he’s OK.”

Speaking to this publication, Gareth Timms said: “I’ve saved up and I’ve got enough here to retire in a Swiss Chalet. If I see another each way Round f*cking Robin I’ll bite someone.”

“My golden years won’t be filled rescuing dickhead travellers who’ve gone astray, topping them up with a stiff drink, nosiree.”