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Punters

Nutter who smashed up shops puzzled by ban

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A local ‘Samaritan’ has been banned from betting shops everywhere in the world for smashing up local emporiums in Exeter and Torquay.

Banned from all betting shops for life, nutter, William Pondskum, 40, claims his energetic race routines ‘help others win’ by shouting, running and throwing stuff about.

A perplexed Pondskum said: “I’m just a kind bloke. I don’t get why everyone is so angry, it was only a few tellies.”

“Those horses wouldn’t have won if I wasn’t shouting or whacking my shoe on the side of the screen.”

Reduced to Rubble

Long races, like 3 mile 7 furlong cross country chases are his favourite, but see shops reduced to rubble. 

“To get a better jump I throw chairs and flip tables over. I shot one unlucky bloke’s Cornish pasty across the room in a Champion Hurdle.” 

Banned from betting shops for life, William Pondskum, 40, got carried away trying to 'help others win’ by shouting, running and throwing stuff about.
Banned from betting shops for life, nutter William Pondskum, 40, and his energetic race routines reduced his local bookmakers to rubble

Punters are full of praise for the friendly Samaritan: “Once you say ‘go on’ to the horses on the screen he’s off. Sometimes we set him off for the fun of it.”

Some shop managers, however, have not seen the funny side.

Mugbet Manager Greg Smirke said, “This bloody lunatic threw a glass ashtray through the screen and all the pictures went off.  Smoke was bellowing out of the TV, and no one saw the end of the race. The horse still won!”

Mr Pondskum said: “No one has bought me a drink yet but I don’t do it for the rewards.”

“The second some folk hear someone cheer their own horse on, they want it not to win. I just don’t understand people who want everyone else on the planet to lose.”

Mr Pondskum hopes bookmakers will one day overturn his ban.

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Bookmakers

Bookmaker treats punter they made homeless to WHEELIE BIN

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Mugbet has kindly donated a wheelie bin to a punter they made homeless.

Punter Gareth Timms, who was made homeless by Mugbet’s endless false favourites, rubbish offers, and rigged slot machines, has had an early Christmas present in the shape of a WHEELIE BIN.

Former panel beater Timms used to have a 6-bedroom Devon town house, but since he started betting with Mugbet he now lives outside their shop in a blue recycling bin.

Timms said: “It’s warm, dry and cosy, but the only downside is once a fortnight a bin lorry takes me down the tip and chucks me in the landfill. I have to hobble back into town, but I’m grateful for the exercise really.

“Thank god for the cuts to services or it could be once a week!”

A spokesman for Mugbet whose slogan is “Where the Nation Pays”, Keith Vim said: “Gareth should be delighted with our kind generosity, giving back to the community and securing him a sturdy home he can love and cherish.

“The fact that we were chucking it out anyway isn’t the point: if he doesn’t like his neighbours he can just wheel himself away.

“As a special treat we’ve chucked in a roll of black bin bags he can use as sheets, but now that he can’t give us any more cash he’s banned from within 6 feet of the door.”

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Betting

100-year-old ‘git’ wins first ever bet

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Pensioner Burt 'old git' Jackson, 100, wins his first ever bet
Mugbet blasts ‘old git’ who backed first ever winner by filling in quickslip wrong.

Burt Jackson, 100, has annoyed the sh*t out of bookmaking giant Mugbet by winning his first ever bet.

After mistakenly filling in a quickslip with the ‘wrong’ horse the pensioner and army veteran who has never visited the ‘Payout’ counter made national news with his first win since the end of World War II.

Jackson said: “Shooting down Messerschmitts was easy; escaping the clutches of the SS in a concentration camp – a doddle, but trying to get a second favourite to win at Newcastle has proved impossible for the last seven decades.”

Hearing a bookmaker representative talk about ‘floods of money’ for the 11-10 favourite Wunder Tripe, Jackson took their advice, staking £30 of his army pension on a Quickslip in his local Mugbet shop.

However, the centurion who suffers from cataracts ticked the wrong selection.

Instead of backing ‘No. 2’, the grandad of seventeen ticked ‘No.12’, 10-1 outsider Jimmy Jumpsuit – second string stablemate to the favourite – who duly romped in by a distance.

Riot

Keith Vim from Mugbet said: “The old git shouldn’t have got paid out. However, because we didn’t want a riot we gave him his winnings. As a compromise he’s banned from every shop in the world with immediate effect.”

Jackson said: “I always thought ‘treat betting as a bit of fun’ meant losing your arse. They wanted me to back the favourite, so I did – but I got the numbers muddled up.”

“I was going to treat my grand kids, but winners are really hard to come by, so I’m getting Champagne and strippers instead.”

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