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Punters

Nutter who smashed up shops puzzled by ban

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A local ‘Samaritan’ has been banned from betting shops everywhere in the world for smashing up local emporiums in Exeter and Torquay.

Banned from all betting shops for life, nutter, William Pondskum, 40, claims his energetic race routines ‘help others win’ by shouting, running and throwing stuff about.

A perplexed Pondskum said: “I’m just a kind bloke. I don’t get why everyone is so angry, it was only a few tellies.”

“Those horses wouldn’t have won if I wasn’t shouting or whacking my shoe on the side of the screen.”

Reduced to Rubble

Long races, like 3 mile 7 furlong cross country chases are his favourite, but see shops reduced to rubble. 

“To get a better jump I throw chairs and flip tables over. I shot one unlucky bloke’s Cornish pasty across the room in a Champion Hurdle.” 

Banned from betting shops for life, William Pondskum, 40, got carried away trying to 'help others win’ by shouting, running and throwing stuff about.
Banned from betting shops for life, nutter William Pondskum, 40, and his energetic race routines reduced his local bookmakers to rubble

Punters are full of praise for the friendly Samaritan: “Once you say ‘go on’ to the horses on the screen he’s off. Sometimes we set him off for the fun of it.”

Some shop managers, however, have not seen the funny side.

Mugbet Manager Greg Smirke said, “This bloody lunatic threw a glass ashtray through the screen and all the pictures went off.  Smoke was bellowing out of the TV, and no one saw the end of the race. The horse still won!”

Mr Pondskum said: “No one has bought me a drink yet but I don’t do it for the rewards.”

“The second some folk hear someone cheer their own horse on, they want it not to win. I just don’t understand people who want everyone else on the planet to lose.”

Mr Pondskum hopes bookmakers will one day overturn his ban.

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Bookmakers

Grandad who ran over bookmaker with MOBILITY SCOOTER spared jail

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Grandad who ran over bookmaker with MOBILITY SCOOTER spared jail
A man who used his souped up mobility scooter to ‘battering ram’ a racecourse bookmaker has walked free. 

Using his mobility scooter as a battering ram, Tarquin Bibby, 89, drove over racecourse bookie Dik Venom in a fit of rage.

Fitted with Nitrous Oxide, the extensively modified scooter could reach speeds of up to 70 mph – way above the legal limit of 4mph on a pavement.

Bibby claimed the assault was ‘an accident’ but race course witnesses said the pensioner went ‘f*cking mental’ – ploughing into the bookmaker after a disagreement over a price.

With a £1 bet on Jimmy Jumpsuit at odds of 2-1, the 80% deaf former WW2 veteran believed he had actually been given 200-1.

Expecting a £201 return, Bibby collected a paltry £3 from the Mugbet representative at Perth racecourse last July.

Shouting and swearing, the former WW2 pilot reversed 50 yards then charged at the bookmaker’s pitch.

Fast & Furious Grandad

The judge described Bibby’s motorized wheelchair as “something out of a Fast and Furious film”.

With a an acceleration rate of 0 to 60 mph in 6 seconds, the OAP ‘truck’ was even faster than a Ford Fiesta.

Fitted with Nitrous Oxide, the extensively modified scooter could reach speeds of up to 70 mph – way above the legal limit of 4mph on a pavement.

Bibby was given a suspended sentence at Perth Sheriff Court House on August 12 for 6 months, fined £20,564.25 and banned from driving for 18 months.

Sentencing fiscal depute William Tupe said: “This was an act of malevolent evil for which an 8 year minimum in custody would be fitting. However I have lost tons of cash to Mugbet so a 6 month suspended sentence till after Goodwood is appropriate”.

Venom said: “This old nutter drove at me like a rocket, smashing up the pitch – wheel spinning over my head.”

Miraculously, Venom sustained no long term injuries.

“I was able to lay the remaining six beaten favourites,” Venom said.

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Bookmakers

Bookies dig up GRAVES of dead winning punters

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bookmakers dig up graves of dead winning punters
Bookies across the UK have been digging up graves of punters who won off them.

Keith Vim from Mugbet has called on bookies everywhere to pick up a spade and dig after rumours circulated that some successful gamblers were taking their winnings to their graves.

“Some call it ‘tomb robbing’ but I like to think of myself as discovering precious artefacts like Indiana Jones or that bloke out The Mummy.”

Graves have been raided for centuries for many reasons including ransom, cannibalism, and medical dissections – but bookmakers admit they just want cash.

“Let’s face it” said Vim “things haven’t been so good since the FOBT reduction last year, so we’re coming up with new ways to increase profits. I wonder if there’s any gold?”

Expired punter Gareth Timms, from beyond the grave said: “Two spivs from the Mugbet ‘body snatching’ department tried to take my entire coffin away to demand a ransom from my family. 

“However, some of the lads here performed a ‘Thriller Zombie’ dance and scared the sh*t out of them – I don’t think they’ll be back any time soon.”

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Bookmaker treats punter they made homeless to WHEELIE BIN

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bookmaker t
Mugbet has kindly donated a wheelie bin to a punter they made homeless.

Punter Gareth Timms, who was made homeless by Mugbet’s endless false favourites, rubbish offers, and rigged slot machines, has had an early Christmas present in the shape of a WHEELIE BIN.

Former panel beater Timms used to have a 6-bedroom Devon town house, but since he started betting with Mugbet he now lives outside their shop in a blue recycling bin.

Timms said: “It’s warm, dry and cosy, but the only downside is once a fortnight a bin lorry takes me down the tip and chucks me in the landfill. I have to hobble back into town, but I’m grateful for the exercise really.

“Thank god for the cuts to services or it could be once a week!”

A spokesman for Mugbet whose slogan is “Where the Nation Pays”, Keith Vim said: “Gareth should be delighted with our kind generosity, giving back to the community and securing him a sturdy home he can love and cherish.

“The fact that we were chucking it out anyway isn’t the point: if he doesn’t like his neighbours he can just wheel himself away.

“As a special treat we’ve chucked in a roll of black bin bags he can use as sheets, but now that he can’t give us any more cash he’s banned from within 6 feet of the door.”

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