Virtual racing results are actually determined by a man captured in 2003 and forced to press buttons all day in a floating booth in the North Sea
Betting operators have conceded that Tarquin Bibby, 59, decided all virtual racing results from a secure floating booth 46 miles off the Shetland Isles, somewhere in the North Sea.
With remote access to the Racing Field Book, Bibby, from Darlington, selected winners that would consistently provide bookmakers with zero, or close to no pay out on the Virtual.
Sea Lion Costume
In case anyone spotted him when venturing outside the booth for daily exercise, Bibby’s captors forced him to wear a sea lion costume.
Although Mugbet would send weekly food packages, Bibby has survived since 2003 catching fish and begging the occasional titbit from passing trawlers.
Trawler man Gareth Timms said: “I thought he was a porpoise. We’d chuck him the occasional mackerel and a fag. I did think it was strange when he smoked 100 B&H a day. His floating office looked like a giant chemical toilet.”
Captured 16 years ago, the former panel beater who was forbidden to communicate with the outside world, sobbed as he was unmasked as the face behind crooked results on bookmakers’ ‘cartoon racing’.
Bibby said: “I was kidnapped after backing a winner in a Mugbet shop. Someone put a bag over my head, tasered me and I ended up in the North Sea.”
“A man in a wheelchair, wearing a mask and stroking a cat approached me before he put me in the booth. He said he would throw me in with the sharks if I refused. I think he was supreme lord of Mugbet or something.”
“I’m sorry for all your lost cash, but he made me do it” Bibby said as rescue services airlifted him to a secure location.
A spokesman for Mugbet said: “This is very distressing news for us.”
“We will suspend all virtual racing until we can find someone else to press the buttons”
French delighted for British “Group 1-robbing b*stards”
French horse racing authorities are absolutely delighted with the British winning all their best Group 1 prizes.
The French are delighted for the British and Irish flat trainers so much they have approved an additional series of Group 1 races for them to come and win.
While we could forgive our neighbours for not taking kindly to Great Britain and Ireland plundering their best flat racing prizes, nothing could be further from the truth.
The new series, dubbed ‘Les Prixes Roast Boefs Merdes’, has been specifically designed to help the Brits win even more.
Free Beans & Custard
Top French tracks like Paris Longchamp and Chantilly will give all British racegoers free Bird’s Custard and a can of baked beans as a show of solidarity.
With runners this year like Zabeel Prince, Coronet, Japan, Too Darn Hot, Laurens, Advertise, and Romanised all achieving Group 1 success, UK and Irish trainers have dominated French racing at the highest level.
Since July 2017, British and Irish trainers have taken 30 of the last 52 French Group 1s – just under 58% of France’s top flat races.
The brains behind the new Equine Entente Cordiale, Everard Salamis-de-Palombe, said: “[Translated] I just love [the Brits]. They nick all our best prizes, the Group 1-robbing b*stards but c’est la vie, let us show them some love.”
“Instead of calling them names like Les goddams, Les Brittunculi or Les Tosseurs let’s embrace them.”
Prix de L’Arc de Triomphe day in October will commence a trial of 14 races. The traditional 8-race card will now host an extra 6 Group 1s, all named after British military heroes.
Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité
“No British runners will have deliberately high draws. We also promise to open the starting stalls, all at the same time” said de Palombe.
De Palombe and his committee will issue local gendarmes with strict instructions not to target British racegoers for spurious offences:
“No one will arrest a Brit for siphoning Armagnac from a sleeping tramp; not during the festivals anyway.”
“We may drink better wine but our horses are sh*t in comparison to our badger-killing, lager-lout cousins. Let’s show them the meaning of fraternité”.
Mr Salamis-de-Palombe has campaigned unsuccessfully for British horses to be able to run in French handicaps.