Non-triers and swerving jockeys to spice up virtual racing

Published

1 month ago

1st November 2019

Non-triers, runners taking wrong courses and swerving jockeys will make Virtual racing more realistic.

Virtual racing is to become ‘a more realistic betting product’ by having non-triers, runners that take the wrong course and jockeys who swerve deliberately to hamper fast-finishing horses in behind.

Virtual horses that are nanoseconds from victory will be clattered by other virtual jockeys, ruining winners’ chances – just like in the real world.

The new betting product will include stewards’ enquiries that go on for 3 hours and do nothing to aid the fairness of a race and going descriptions that are deliberately misleading.

Regarded by many punters as ‘cartoons’, virtual racing creators have wracked their brains to provide an ‘ultra-real’ experience.

Punter Gareth Timms has tried out the new betting product: “First bet I had a fiver on the favourite – he disappeared into a ditch.

“Next bet I had £20 on the second favourite – he was winning then a racegoer jumped up and roundhoused the jockey clean off his horse.

“This race here, my horse got hoisted up by an industrial crane just as he was about to cross the line. I’m down £150 so far – it’s f*cking fantastic!”

Really Real Racing

Named “Really Real Racing”, the product is the brainchild of programmer Costas Patsasoglou:

“We went to the races and saw first-hand that the ‘real’ thing was more ridiculous than our made-up rubbish.”

“We’ve programmed a ‘strike’ like in ten-pin bowling so that all horses in the leading group at the end of the race will be knocked out,” Patsasoglou said.

“But don’t worry, no horses will be hurt: they will all get up and be splashed down with water.”

“Some of the jockeys however will be catapulted into space or blown up by exploding fences.”

“Virtual bookmakers will pay trainers and jockeys for reasons none of us know about,” said Patsasoglou.

Winning Too Often

Mugbet’s Keith Vim is very happy with the product: “Just like always, we’ve got our eye on b*stards trying to rob our cash.

“Self-service terminals will randomly refuse payment to customers winning too often,” Vim said.

“The machine will void bets, believing the customer is ‘acting on inside information’ if you collect more than once”

‘Really Real Racing’ is set to roll out in January 2045.

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‘Bullsh*t warnings’ on betting blogs have no effect

Published

1 week ago

2nd December 2019

Tony Titt

Bullsh*t warnings on betting blogs have no effect on punters whatsoever

Bullsh*t warnings on trainers’ and jockeys’ betting blogs – such as ‘damage to finance’ and ‘may contain BS’ – do not work.

A study found that trainers’ bookie betting blogs carrying the warnings that they may be dangerous to punters’ finances have absolutely no impact on the consumer whatsoever.

The 1-year analysis from Scutter University looked into caveats displayed on blogs written on behalf of trainers so that bookmakers can profit from promoting false favourites and second favourites with no chance.

While warning gamblers about ‘made up rubbish’, the study found that in 92% of examined cases, punters took absolutely no notice.

Professor Gareth Timms, survey coordinator said: “Punters took absolutely no notice of the warnings, but in their defence the writing was upside down, back to front or in a foreign language in many cases.”

“The need for the blog to display a clear warning no less than 2% of the entire article size meant that it was like trying to read font size 3 – or ‘micropscopic’ writing, often in a pale coloured typeface.”

Maxwell Benson from Mugbet said: “Despite our warnings written in Sanskrit, no one gives a toss – they still enjoy losing money, which suits us fine.”

Worth over £150,000 per year, trainers’ betting blogs are an absolute godsend for high profile yards struggling to scrape by on £3 million per year prize money.

For bookmakers they are a perfect way to obtain photographic and promotional material from equine star sportsmen – and absolutely nothing to do with gaining knowledge of which horses are not ‘off’ from top yards with incredible numbers of beaten favourites or second favourites.

Punter Gareth Timms said: “I’ve read the warnings but the trainer betting blogs are a brilliant way of losing cash. Read them and bet on what it says: you’re guaranteed VIP status in no time!”

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Mystery deepens as ‘bookie-runner’ dog disappears with cash

Missing for three days, St Bernard Gareth Timms’ time-stamp machine was found in a ditch

Published

2 months ago

22nd October 2019

Desdemona Phelps

Mystery deepens as 'bookie-runner' St Bernard dog Gareth Timms disappears with cash

The disappearance of ‘bookie-runner’ St Bernard dog Gareth Timms has made him chief suspect in Mugbet’s missing cash saga

The mystery over Mugbet’s lost revenues deepened last night after fears their bookie dog ‘runner’ disappeared with all the cash.

Gareth Timms an 8-year old St Bernard dog worked circulating local pubs and bingo halls taking bets from customers.

Instead of a brandy neck cask, Gareth Timms came equipped with a time stamp machine so punters could verify their own bets.

However, Gareth had not been seen for three days after his scheduled ‘check in’ and despite extensive searches only his time-stamp machine could be found in a ditch.

Mugbet’s Keith Vim said: “Please, if anyone’s seen our lovely big brown bag of cash please return it to us asap.”

Punter Alf Archer said: “The St Bernard dog with the old bus conductor’s ticket machine? One year we had 8 feet of snow and no electricity, but he dug us out and took bets. I hope he’s OK.”

Speaking to this publication, Gareth Timms said: “I’ve saved up and I’ve got enough here to retire in a Swiss Chalet. If I see another each way Round f*cking Robin I’ll bite someone.”

“My golden years won’t be filled rescuing dickhead travellers who’ve gone astray, topping them up with a stiff drink, nosiree.”