Horses

New headgear ‘gees-up’ horses with Thrash Metal

Published

4 weeks ago

14th November 2019

Desdemona Phelps

Scientists have created new headgear that ‘gees-up’ horses with Thrash Metal to run at supersonic speeds.

New headgear can make horses gallop fast enough to break the sound barrier, or stop to a sleep.

The headgear contains internal speakers and ‘gees up’ horses to supersonic speeds of Mach 1.6 – 1.6 times the speed of sound – or 1227.6 mph.

Somewhere between a traditional horse visor and a diving helmet, the headgear makes horses run fast, or slow depending on the transmitted sounds.

Weighing 16 kilos (35lb), the device is made of reinforced steel, concrete and papier mache.

Named Trefla’s Confined Bazongoid’– or ‘Bazongi’ – each device costs around £12,550 and is approved by bookmakers.

Creator, Dr Timmy Trefla designed the helmet to help wayward horses.

“Originally the headgear would block out noise runners might encounter on a racecourse, like ice cream vans, merry-go-rounds and screaming dickheads.”

Thrash Metal

“However, we found Bazongi increased a horse’s chance of winning if we set it to play Thrash Metal at incredibly loud volumes.” Dr Trefla explained.

“In this instance, the horse can make up dozens of extra lengths per furlong as it tries to run away from the dreadful sound. This means Cheetahs are no longer the fastest land mammal! ”

“We tested it on quarter horses” said Dr Trefla. “Some of them broke the sound barrier, but when we played them relaxing music, they lay down and started snoring in the middle of the track.”

All runners carrying the new headgear will have the abbreviation ‘Bz’ next to their name.

…they can make up dozens of lengths as they try to run away from the dreadful sound – Dr Timmy Trefla

Mugbet spokesman Dik Venom said:

“As long as all the favourites and 2^nd favs have comatosed music, and the outsiders get souped-up – and no one (except us) can work out what the horses are listening to – the Bazongis will have a future in our sport.”

Racehorse Jimmy Jumpsuit said: “Personally I’m more of a Bon Jovi fan, but whatever.”

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Horses

Mensa confirms horse has higher IQ than Jockey

Published

1 week ago

4th December 2019

Alastair Gitt

Mensa Confirms Racehorse Jimmy jumpsuit with an IQ of 160 is smarter than his jockey

With an IQ of 160, race horse Jimmy Jumpsuit is officially brainier than his jockey and trainer combined

The exclusive Mensa society confirmed race horse Jimmy Jumpsuit is now among the world’s cleverest after completing two supervised IQ tests last week.

Scoring 160, 8-year old chaser Jimmy Jumpsuit is officially cleverer than Carol Vorderman, but on a par with Einstein, Steven Hawking and Sylvester Stallone.

Dr Gareth Timms, Mensa IQ coordinator said: “With the so-called genius benchmark at 140, Jimmy is probably the horse equivalent of Rain Man.”

Jockey Maxwell Benson said: “He’s always using long words I don’t understand, which probably explains our miscommunication and why he hasn’t won a race yet.”

By the time he was a yearling he could speak six languages, including Latin and Ancient Greek, and give his trainer financial advice.

Trainer Alf Archer said: “He might not be the best chaser, but he can complete a tax return in about six minutes.”

“When he was little, he used to get shunned by all the other foals and called ‘geek’. Now he sits in his shed plotting their downfalls.”

Rival horse, Timmy Tracksuit said: “Because he’s so clever he works out where we have to finish to get the Trixies up. However his instructions were too complicated and we all fell over. He said we’re all ‘useless thickoes’ and gave up racing to learn quantum mechanics.”

Jimmy Jumpsuit said: “These tests confirm something I’ve known for a long time: I’m a genius. Having thought about it, I’m of the opinion that most people are morons – f*cking idiots, and should be treated so!”

“However, while I see the beauty in calculus and the golden ratio, I’d much rather be chomping on grass and rolling in mud – if you don’t mind.”

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Horses

Horse thinks Humans are Stupid

Published

2 months ago

9th October 2019

Sherbie Johnson

Race horse Jimmy Jumpsuit has come to the conclusion that all humans are f*cking stupid

Jimmy Jumpsuit, a 5yo bay gelding horse said: “Humans are stupid and angry all the time.”

“I’ve watched those killer chimpanzee wildlife documentaries where they go nuts in the tree tops – but humans are some next level weird sh*t.”

“They shout if we win, go ballistic if we lose, and some are angry just for fun.”

“Some lean sideways like they’re unleashing some power to make us run faster – it’s me jumping the f*cking fence mate!”

“This racing business is like World War 3 every day: humans shout at each other on the motorway, they go mental at their TVs and phones; the little men sat on our backs even bark at us in a race.”

“When we got home last week, our trainer went psycho at us for losing. He kicked all the bins over, crying about his ‘scoop 6’ down.”

“It’s all very confusing.”

Race horse Jimmy Jumpsuit and stablemate Timmy Tracksuit think Humans are Stupid — Jimmy Jumpsuit and stablemate Timmy Tracksuit think “Humans need to calm the f*ck down”

Racegoer Gareth Timms said: “Shouting is all part of the race. Those horses definitely wouldn’t have won if I hadn’t been slapping my mate with a rolled-up Racing Post like it was a whip.”

Jimmy Jumpsuit’s stablemate, Timmy Tracksuit said: “Humans need to calm the f*ck down. Idiots who don’t know us shout our names to make us go faster and leap about like they’re on drugs.”

“It’s humans who need locking up in a stable and gelding – I want to stand in a field and eat grass all day, peacefully.”