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MI5 thanks Bookmakers for spy training

Sherbie Johnson

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Spooks praise bookmakers who know about every horse in every yard before anyone else

Intelligence officers have praised bookmakers for training them in the shady arts of intelligence gathering.

MI6 boss, Gareth Timms - not his real name - said: “William Hill famously bragged that bookmakers’ intelligence networks were more powerful than MI5’s. He was right, shortly before he disappeared then shot himself in the head, 16 times.

“If a horse sneezes at home, it drifts on Betfair before the trainer can put his tea down and telephone the owner. We only dream of intelligence like that.

“We’d like to thank bookmakers for providing us with a copy of their handbook – a guide to knowing about every horse in every yard before anyone else does.

Bookmaker Keith Vim of Mugbet said: “Bookmaking and espionage have a long-intertwined history. While it’s still classified, I can tell you that the Bletchley Park number crunchers for example all left to set up betting shops.

“Us bookies send all our agents from GCHQ to training yards throughout the land.

"We operate openly, declaring ourselves ‘friends of a trainer’, or covertly under cover, disguised as stable boys or shit flingers - anything to know about those souped-up, first time out good things we don’t want you to back.

“Some bookmakers operate clandestinely to conceal for the betting industry - posing as racing TV presenters, journalists or jockeys.

"Why do you think the trainers speak in an encrypted language?

“In some cases we operate in "deep cover" under false names and pretend to be on the punters’ side.

Bookmaker Dik Venom from Wankabet said: “When somebody wins we have to deploy our assets to take care of them – and their family.

Double O

“The term “Double-O” to denote an agent with a ‘Licence to Kill’ was originally a code name given to a bookmaker tasked with murdering a punter after a big win – to ‘£00:00’ them – or reduce them to a zero balance by reclaiming the cash, then brutally strangling them with fibre wires.

“What people don’t know is that psychopathic violent, cold killing machine James Bond was set to go into bookmaking if his career in espionage hadn’t worked out.

“Murdering someone in cold blood, then returning to the dinner table to finish eating a Cornish pasty as if nothing has happened is excellent preparation for going on a racing programme to pretend a three-legged horse with bad feet is being ‘well backed’.”

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