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“I’ll never go back to toilet roll” says man wiping arse with BETTING SLIPS

Leonard Collins

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“I’ll never go back to toilet roll” says man wiping arse with betting slips
Bookies ban punter stealing betting slips to use as toilet roll substitute

Costco Warehouse Operative, Gareth Timms knows a good deal when he sees it.

Doing his weekly shopping in foodbanks and travelling around on the back of bin lorries, Gareth is a dab hand at saving cash.

So, when supermarket bosses put up toilet paper prices after panic-buyers stripped shelves just before lockdown, the money-saver decided to use Mugbet quick-slips to wipe his bottom.

Thrifty Timms said: “For a moment, toilet roll was more expensive than gold, with some shops charging thirty quid a dozen.

“When my nan Mavis, 97, asked me to pick her up a clutch of Goliath betting slips from our local Mugbet shop, I was surprised at how easily they gave them away.

Stockpile

Never one to miss an opportunity, Gareth decided to stockpile, filling his backpack and Mavis’ shopping trolley to the brim with betting slips and football coupons.

“When I got back to Nan’s flat, we didn’t have any bog roll or tissues, so I reached for the nearest bit of paper.

“My arse couldn’t believe how soft and strong the Midweek Football slips were - like a luxury quilted tissue, only with ‘Burnley V Sheffield’ written all over them.

“A right result for my piles. And they’re free!

“While we’re limited to two packs of toilet roll, there’s an endless supply of betting slips so who’s the idiot now?

“You can do so many things with them: coughs, sneezes, blowing your nose…the other day I folded one up as a hanky for my jacket pocket. I’m building a holder to fit a roll of them on the wall.

“They’re difficult to flush though, so I tend to burn them in the communal garden. I’ll never go back to Andrex now.”

Backfired

However, Gareth’s penny-pinching ways backfired and cost him more in the long run.

Returning to the betting shop one too many times, Gareth caught the attention of shop manager Keith Vim, who noticed his football slips were disappearing at a rate of knots.

Vim said: “This f*cking nonce kept coming in, looking around, then making a dash for it. Next thing you know is all my slips have gone. So we banned him.”

Horror then struck after one of Mavis’ Goliath bets came in, potentially netting her over £1 million from 8 winners with prices ranging from 5-1 to 12-1.

But, due to his lifetime ban Gareth couldn’t place a bet.

Gareth’s nan Mavis said: “The bet of a lifetime – gone. That f*cker can sleep on the street. His years of living frugal will have given him good training.

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