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“I’ll never go back to toilet roll” says man wiping bottom with BETTING SLIPS



“I’ll never go back to toilet roll” says man wiping arse with betting slips
Bookies ban punter stealing midweek football coupons to use as toilet roll substitute

Costco Warehouse Operative, Gareth Timms knows a good deal when he sees it.

Doing his weekly shopping in foodbanks and travelling around on the back of bin lorries, Timms is a dab hand at saving cash.

So, when supermarket bosses put up toilet paper prices after panic-buyers stripped shelves just before lockdown, the penny-pinching b*stard decided to use Mugbet quick-slips to wipe his bottom.

Thrifty Timms said: “For a moment, toilet roll was more expensive than gold, with some shops charging thirty quid a dozen.

“When my nan Mavis, 97, asked me to pick her up a clutch of Goliath betting slips from our local Mugbet shop, I was surprised at how easily they gave them away.


Never one to miss an opportunity, tight-arsed Timms decided to stockpile, filling his backpack and Mavis’ shopping trolley to the brim with betting slips and football coupons.

“When I got back to Nan’s flat, we didn’t have any bog roll or tissues, so I reached for the nearest bit of paper.

“My arse couldn’t believe how soft and strong the Midweek Football slips were - like a luxury quilted tissue, only covered with ‘Burnley V Sheffield’.

“Not only are they free, but a right result for my piles!

“While we’re limited to two packs of toilet roll, there’s an endless supply of betting slips so who’s the idiot now?

“They’re difficult to flush though, so I tend to dry them out and burn them in the communal garden. I’ll never go back to Andrex.”


However, Gareth’s penny-pinching ways backfired and cost him more in the long run.

Returning to the betting shop one too many times, Gareth caught the attention of shop manager Keith Vim, who noticed his football slips were disappearing at a rate of knots.

Vim said: “This f*cking nonce kept coming in, looking around, then making a dash for it. Next thing I know is all my slips have gone. So we barred the f*cker.”

Horror then struck after one of Mavis’ Goliath bets came in, potentially netting her over £1 million from 8 winners, but with his lifetime ban in place, Gareth couldn’t place a bet.

Gareth’s nan Mavis said: “The bet of a lifetime – gone. That pathetic excuse of a grandson can sleep on the street."


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