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Man scoops jackpot after putting cheese slices into roulette machine



A man scooped the jackpot after putting cheese slices in a roulette machine in Barking.

Trying all afternoon to hit the roulette jackpot, Gareth Timms, 29, ran out of money, so took his revenge by stealth, loading up the note reader mechanism with processed cheese slices.

The disgruntled punter said he “blew £328 in six hours” on the slot betting terminals, even with the new £2 per spin restriction.

After repeatedly losing to the ‘Luck of the Irish’ slots game in his local Mugbet shop, Timms went berserk, but had a novel way of exacting his revenge.

“I was so angry, but I’m not a violent man, so I reached for my shopping and pulled out a pack of 10 processed Kraft slices. You know, the plastic stuff; I thought it might mess up the ‘crack cocaine’ machine’s inner workings.”

“I shouted ‘I’ll show you’ and put them all in like £20 notes.”

Processed Cheese Credit

To his disbelief, Timms saw £60 credited to his on-screen balance.

“I thought God was finally rewarding me for losing so much.”

Timms set the machine to auto spin and scooped two consecutive £500 jackpots.

Gareth Timms, 29, scooped the jackpot after loading up the note reader mechanism of a fixed odds betting terminal with processed cheese slices.
Gareth Timms got his revenge on a roulette machine by inserting Kraft cheese slices

It wasn’t until manager Dik Venom came to cash up for the night that he found smoke coming from the machine with the heated up congealed emulsifiers and oils.

“Whoever said processed cheese was bad for your health?” said Venom.

Bookmakers, however, have not seen the funny side. Mrs Claire Simon from the FPB said:

Unbelievably Timms (above, with girlfriend Shelley Craps) was credited with £60, which he set to auto spin and scooped two £500 jackpots

“These cheese slices lead to betting shops losing vast sums of money in minutes; they render our lovely high street bookies unprofitable.”

“Processed cheese slices are addictive and cause harm to the levy for horse racing. They put thousands of people out of jobs. They should be banned”

“Reducing the maximum number of cheese slices sold in shops to ‘one per customer’ is a simple, immediate measure and one which can be done quickly without a three month consultation.”

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Man sacked for shouting ‘COME ON!’ at computer screen



Man sacked for shouting ‘come on’ at computer screen
“Betting had nowt to do with it,” says call centre worker sacked for shouting ‘COME ON’ at computer screen.

Sacked Gareth Timms explained that screaming ‘come on!’ at his work screen and repeatedly pressing ‘refresh’ was about the loading speed of his slow computer – and ‘f*ck all to do with betting.’

Timms could not, however, explain CCTV footage of him shouting ‘get in there my son’ or smashing a keyboard against a concrete pillar while cursing ‘useless jockey’.

He was also unable to clarify why, on a separate occasion, he ran around the office waving his finger celebrating as if he had scored a winning goal in the FA cup final.

Sequestering his betting accounts, human resource manager Ruth Crapper said:

“We’ve tallied up his wins and losses with his work call logs: he was excessively nice after a big win but would get violently angry with callers when he lost.”

Man sacked for shouting ‘come on’ at computer screen

Customer, Alf Archer said: “I called up to send a fridge back and this nutter threatened to KILL me. I decided to keep it in the end – it still doesn’t work.”

Co-worker Tarquin Bibby said: “One day Gareth came in driving a new Audi. He said he’d saved up – and that the hundreds of pounds the entire office gave him every week intended for the Euro Millions for the last couple of years, was totally unconnected.”

Absent During Cheltenham

Timms’ catalogue of absences coincided perfectly with Cheltenham, the Randox Health Grand National, the Scottish Grand National, the Craven Meeting, the Guineas, the Dante, Royal Ascot, the Punchestown festival, the Killarney festival, the Galway Festival, the Listowel festival, and the St Leger Meeting.

“It was easier to say when Gareth was at work,” Crapper said.

At his first disciplinary Timms said he was absent a lot because he just ‘couldn’t shake off a persistent cold’, yet he was seen smoking cigars and drinking beers on ITV Racing at York.

“Timms said: “That’s my twin brother, er, Mike. He’s very shy and that’s why no one’s ever met him.”
“Just a minute…get in there Frankie!”

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100-year-old ‘git’ wins first ever bet



Pensioner Burt 'old git' Jackson, 100, wins his first ever bet
Mugbet blasts ‘old git’ who backed first ever winner by filling in quickslip wrong.

Burt Jackson, 100, has annoyed the sh*t out of bookmaking giant Mugbet by winning his first ever bet.

After mistakenly filling in a quickslip with the ‘wrong’ horse the pensioner and army veteran who has never visited the ‘Payout’ counter made national news with his first win since the end of World War II.

Jackson said: “Shooting down Messerschmitts was easy; escaping the clutches of the SS in a concentration camp – a doddle, but trying to get a second favourite to win at Newcastle has proved impossible for the last seven decades.”

Hearing a bookmaker representative talk about ‘floods of money’ for the 11-10 favourite Wunder Tripe, Jackson took their advice, staking £30 of his army pension on a Quickslip in his local Mugbet shop.

However, the centurion who suffers from cataracts ticked the wrong selection.

Instead of backing ‘No. 2’, the grandad of seventeen ticked ‘No.12’, 10-1 outsider Jimmy Jumpsuit – second string stablemate to the favourite – who duly romped in by a distance.


Keith Vim from Mugbet said: “The old git shouldn’t have got paid out. However, because we didn’t want a riot we gave him his winnings. As a compromise he’s banned from every shop in the world with immediate effect.”

Jackson said: “I always thought ‘treat betting as a bit of fun’ meant losing your arse. They wanted me to back the favourite, so I did – but I got the numbers muddled up.”

“I was going to treat my grand kids, but winners are really hard to come by, so I’m getting Champagne and strippers instead.”

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Betting blog ‘bullsh*t warnings’ have no effect



Bullsh*t warnings on betting blogs have no effect on punters whatsoever

Bullsh*t warnings’ on trainers’ and jockeys’ betting blogs do not work, researchers have found.

A study into warnings displayed on trainers’ bookie betting blogs – that they may be dangerous to punters’ finances – have absolutely no impact on the consumer whatsoever.

The 1-year analysis from Scutter University looked into caveats displayed on blogs written by bookmakers pretending to be trainers or jockeys.

Even though the blogs did warn gamblers about the ‘made up rubbish’, and ‘may contain bullsh*t’ the study found that in 92% of examined cases, punters took absolutely no notice.

Professor Gareth Timms, survey coordinator said: “Punters took no notice of the warnings. Not one word – you might as well have been speaking in tongues. However, in the punters’ defence the writing was upside down, back to front and in a foreign language.”

“The need for the blog to display a clear warning no less than 2% of the entire article size meant that it was like trying to read font size 3, ‘micropscopic’ writing, often in a pale coloured typeface.”

Maxwell Benson from Mugbet said: “Despite our warnings written in Sanskrit, no one gave a toss – everyone still enjoys losing money, which suits us fine.”

Worth over £150,000 per year, trainers’ betting blogs are an absolute godsend for high profile yards struggling to scrape by on £3 million per year prize money.

For bookmakers they are a perfect way to obtain photographic and promotional material from equine star sportsmen – and absolutely nothing to do with promoting false favourites or second favourites that have absolutely no chance.

Punter Gareth Timms said: “I’ve read the warnings – the trainer betting blogs are a brilliant way of losing cash. Read them and bet on what it says: you’re guaranteed VIP status in no time!”

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