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Man scoops jackpot after putting cheese slices into roulette machine



A man scooped the jackpot after putting cheese slices in a roulette machine in Barking.

Trying all afternoon to hit the roulette jackpot, Gareth Timms, 29, ran out of money, so took his revenge by stealth, loading up the note reader mechanism with processed cheese slices.

The disgruntled punter said he “blew £328 in six hours” on the slot betting terminals, even with the new £2 per spin restriction.

After repeatedly losing to the ‘Luck of the Irish’ slots game in his local Mugbet shop, Timms went berserk, but had a novel way of exacting his revenge.

“I was so angry, but I’m not a violent man, so I reached for my shopping and pulled out a pack of 10 processed Kraft slices. You know, the plastic stuff; I thought it might mess up the inner workings of the ‘crack cocaine’ machines.”

“I shouted ‘I’ll show you’ and put them all in like £20 notes.”

Processed Cheese Credit

To his disbelief, Timms saw £60 credited to his on-screen balance.

“I thought God was finally rewarding me for losing so much so I didn’t waste any time.”

Timms set the machine to auto spin and scooped two consecutive £500 jackpots.

Gareth Timms, 29, scooped the jackpot after loading up the note reader mechanism of a fixed odds betting terminal with processed cheese slices.
Gareth Timms got his revenge on a roulette machine by inserting Kraft cheese slices

It wasn’t until manager Dik Venom came to cash up for the night that he found smoke coming from the machine with the heated up congealed emulsifiers and oils.

“Whoever said processed cheese was bad for your health?” said Venom.

Bookmakers, however, have not seen the funny side. Mrs Claire Simon from the FPB said:

Unbelievably Timms (above, with girlfriend Shelley Craps) was credited with £60, which he set to auto spin and scooped two £500 jackpots

“These cheese slices lead to betting shops losing vast sums of money in minutes; they render our lovely high street bookies unprofitable.”

“Processed cheese slices are addictive and cause harm to the levy for horse racing. They put thousands of people out of jobs. They should be banned”

“Reducing the maximum number of cheese slices sold in shops to ‘one per customer’ is a simple, immediate measure and one which can be done quickly without a three month consultation.”

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‘Bullsh*t warnings’ on betting blogs have no effect



Bullsh*t warnings on betting blogs have no effect on punters whatsoever

Bullsh*t warnings on trainers’ and jockeys’ betting blogs – such as ‘damage to finance’ and ‘may contain BS’ – do not work.

A study found that trainers’ bookie betting blogs carrying the warnings that they may be dangerous to punters’ finances have absolutely no impact on the consumer whatsoever.

The 1-year analysis from Scutter University looked into caveats displayed on blogs written on behalf of trainers so that bookmakers can profit from promoting false favourites and second favourites with no chance.

While warning gamblers about ‘made up rubbish’, the study found that in 92% of examined cases, punters took absolutely no notice.

Professor Gareth Timms, survey coordinator said: “Punters took absolutely no notice of the warnings, but in their defence the writing was upside down, back to front or in a foreign language in many cases.”

“The need for the blog to display a clear warning no less than 2% of the entire article size meant that it was like trying to read font size 3 – or ‘micropscopic’ writing, often in a pale coloured typeface.”

Maxwell Benson from Mugbet said: “Despite our warnings written in Sanskrit, no one gives a toss – they still enjoy losing money, which suits us fine.”

Worth over £150,000 per year, trainers’ betting blogs are an absolute godsend for high profile yards struggling to scrape by on £3 million per year prize money.

For bookmakers they are a perfect way to obtain photographic and promotional material from equine star sportsmen – and absolutely nothing to do with gaining knowledge of which horses are not ‘off’ from top yards with incredible numbers of beaten favourites or second favourites.

Punter Gareth Timms said: “I’ve read the warnings but the trainer betting blogs are a brilliant way of losing cash. Read them and bet on what it says: you’re guaranteed VIP status in no time!”

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Non-triers and swerving jockeys to spice up virtual racing



virtual racing jockeys

Non-triers, runners taking wrong courses and swerving jockeys will make Virtual racing more realistic.

Virtual racing is to become ‘a more realistic betting product’ by having non-triers, runners that take the wrong course and jockeys who swerve deliberately to hamper fast-finishing horses in behind.

Virtual horses that are nanoseconds from victory will be clattered by other virtual jockeys, ruining winners’ chances – just like in the real world.

The new betting product will include stewards’ enquiries that go on for 3 hours and do nothing to aid the fairness of a race and going descriptions that are deliberately misleading.

Regarded by many punters as ‘cartoons’, virtual racing creators have wracked their brains to provide an ‘ultra-real’ experience.

Punter Gareth Timms has tried out the new betting product: “First bet I had a fiver on the favourite – he disappeared into a ditch.

“Next bet I had £20 on the second favourite – he was winning then a racegoer jumped up and roundhoused the jockey clean off his horse.

“This race here, my horse got hoisted up by an industrial crane just as he was about to cross the line. I’m down £150 so far – it’s f*cking fantastic!”

Really Real Racing

Named “Really Real Racing”, the product is the brainchild of programmer Costas Patsasoglou:

“We went to the races and saw first-hand that the ‘real’ thing was more ridiculous than our made-up rubbish.”

“We’ve programmed a ‘strike’ like in ten-pin bowling so that all horses in the leading group at the end of the race will be knocked out,” Patsasoglou said.

“But don’t worry, no horses will be hurt: they will all get up and be splashed down with water.”

“Some of the jockeys however will be catapulted into space or blown up by exploding fences.”

“Virtual bookmakers will pay trainers and jockeys for reasons none of us know about,” said Patsasoglou.

Winning Too Often

Mugbet’s Keith Vim is very happy with the product: “Just like always, we’ve got our eye on b*stards trying to rob our cash.

“Self-service terminals will randomly refuse payment to customers winning too often,” Vim said.

“The machine will void bets, believing the customer is ‘acting on inside information’ if you collect more than once”

‘Really Real Racing’ is set to roll out in January 2045.

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