Fuming Mugbet has removed coffee machines, papers and chairs from its shops after punter lands 4p win single

Betting giant Mugbet has cancelled all concessions after regular Saturday afternoon punter Gareth Timms backed Jimmy Jumpsuit to win the Grade 2 Scutter Hurdle at 6-4 – netting him a tidy 6p profit.

Despite Mugbet studios telling everyone to bet on the stablemate to the eventual winner – the second favourite, Timmy Tracksuit, who tailed off last – Timms hit them hard with the last of his 4p change.

Mugbet’s Director of Communications, Mrs Claire Simon said: “Due to our heavy loss, all shops will be stripped of goodies.”

“I’m not just talking about 10% or 20% Odds Boosts – but no more coffee, no papers…not even chairs.

 “You f*ckers can stand.”

Mugbet branch manager Sid Creep said: “Ironically, the shop’s been crowded after this new ‘Standing-Room Only’ policy.

“Next step is to remove all betting and charge everyone £1000 for standing in a blank room.”

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Bookies across the UK have been digging up graves of punters who won off them.

Keith Vim from Mugbet has called on bookies everywhere to pick up a spade and dig after rumours circulated that some successful gamblers were taking their winnings to their graves.

“Some call it ‘tomb robbing’ but I like to think of myself as discovering precious artefacts like Indiana Jones or that bloke out The Mummy.”

Graves have been raided for centuries for many reasons including ransom, cannibalism, and medical dissections – but bookmakers admit they just want cash.

“Let’s face it” said Vim “things haven’t been so good since the FOBT reduction last year, so we’re coming up with new ways to increase profits. I wonder if there’s any gold?”

Expired punter Gareth Timms, from beyond the grave said: “Two spivs from the Mugbet ‘body snatching’ department tried to take my entire coffin away to demand a ransom from my family. 

“However, some of the lads here performed a ‘Thriller Zombie’ dance and scared the sh*t out of them – I don’t think they’ll be back any time soon.”

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Betting watchdog has fined bookmaker Mugbet for serving a 9-year old child with a beard drawn on in Biro.

Mugbet bookmakers has been fined a whopping £3 million for serving an underage gambler ‘businessman’ whose only disguise was a briefcase and a beard scribbled on in blue BIC.

But the bookmaker protested its innocence, stating that on-duty betting shop manager, Keith Vim, 59, initially told the young scamp to get ‘on [his] bike’.

“He was fooling no one,” said Vim, “so I told him to get back to the Wacky Warehouse, or wherever he’d come from, then he left the shop.”

Sting Op

However, Timmy Thompson, 9, was working for the Betting Watchdog – employed to catch out bookmakers laying bets to underage gamblers.

Thompson, who attends St Peter’s Catholic Primary School in Gravesend, went back in the shop and persisted with getting his 6p yankee on with Vim, totalling 66 pence.

The young lad said, “If he didn’t take my bet the Watchdog man said he would run over my cat – Tiddles, who’s fat and old and can hardly walk.”

“After an hour of crying the betting shop manager took my bet and told me to clear off.”

Proceeding to issue a £3 million fine to Mugbet, the Regulator paid young Timmy a bag of Maltesers for his trouble.

A Betting Watchdog Spokesman said: “We needed the cash.”

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