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Racing called off as floodlights go OUT on Bookmaker logos

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Racing called off as floodlights go OUT on Bookmaker logos
Furious betting chiefs pulled the plug on racing last night after Scutter Park’s power failure left bookmaker logos unilluminated.

Betting giant Mugbet was incensed with rage after a power failure left its two thousand bookmaker logos in the dark along the home straight at Scutter Park racecourse.

While it was light enough to run the race Mugbet prevented any racing from going ahead unless their “Where the Nation PAYS” betting banners were fully lit up.

Additionally, the lack of power meant Mugbet’s popular effigy of a dead, crucified punter was unable to be hoisted up.

Jockey Tarquin Bibby said: “All the jockeys had made the full Sign of the Cross before the Mugbet logo in the weighing room using holy water.

“We were all set to receive our riding instructions from the bookmakers in the paddock, but then Keith [Vim, Mugbet’s head of Communications] told us all to get back in and say nothing.”

Trainer Alf Archer said: “None of the horses could have raced anyway as they’d walked 250 miles around the parade ring waiting for an announcement.”

Mugbet spokesman, Dik Venom said: “I don’t care how many circles the stable boys walked or whether these horses travelled up from Timbuctoo, you’d better get our logo on every inch of that straight lit up or we’re closing this place down.

“As punishment, senior racecourse executives will wear high-vis Mugbet jackets like the golf sale ad men on Regent Street and be paraded in just their underpants. Mugbet underpants.”

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Bookmakers

Bookmakers’ coronavirus advice: “keep losing – please”

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‘Dire consequences will follow unless punters keep losing money during the coronavirus lockdown’, bookmaker warns.

‘Please keep losing money’, a bookmaker has pleaded amid the coronavirus lockdown.

Betting giant Mugbet has asked customers nicely if they continue to lose cash during the coronavirus lockdown.

Keith Vim, Mugbet spokesman said: “We’ve sent our worst tipsters out on dreadful foreign stuff with links to all our Mugbet affiliates.

“We’ve sent generous “lose a grand get 36p” vouchers through the post.

“We’ve even popped in a few betting slips in with the temperature charts in hospital beds, but no one’s interested.

‘Dire consequences will follow unless punters keep losing money during the coronavirus lockdown’, bookmaker warns.
Punters can still lose with Mugbet during the coronavirus lockdown regardless of location

“If we don’t get our £300 million bonuses, I’m telling you it’s bad news.

“When the shops re-open we won’t be offering odds, you won’t get a bet on and we will settle winners as and when we feel like it – if at all.”

Punter Gareth Timms said: “Business as usual then!”

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Betting Shops

1 DAY with no beaten favourites makes bookmaker EXPLODE in giant fireball

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1 DAY with no beaten favourites makes bookmaker EXPLODE in giant fireball
Spontaneous human combustion to blame after manager explodes in giant fireball following 1 day with no beaten favourites due to coronavirus shop closure.

Police have cordoned off Mugbet’s Gravesend outlet after betting shop manager Keith Vim went into spontaneous human combustion and blew up the building.

Closed due to the coronavirus outbreak, it is thought the betting shop manager was engulfed in a giant fireball after going 24 hours with no punters to rip off or any beaten favourites to lay.

No one was hurt after the blast ripped through the shop’s television gantry, ATM machine and BAGs cards, but self-service betting terminals were beyond repair.

Mugbet’s Dik Venom said: “All that remained of Keith was a steaming pile of ash where he once sat. But don’t worry, you can still bet by post.”

Bookmaking DNA

Examining Vim’s burned-to-a-cinder remains, scientists quickly studied the material and made a shocking discovery.

Bookmakers may be genetically different to other human beings.
Bookmakers’ Mitochondria explode violently after just 24 hours with no exposure to beaten favourites.

Identifying a weakness in bookmaker DNA, the research confirms the team’s belief that Bookmakers are genetically different to other human beings.

Professor of genomics at Scutter University, Dr. Gareth Timms said:

“Bookmakers’ genetics are completely stable for up to 24 hours as long as there is a steady flow of opportunities to cheat, pay off authorities, or con people out of money.

“However, their Mitochondria explode violently after just 24 hours with no exposure to beaten favourites.

“While this discovery is ground breaking, we had better prepare for more explosions up and down the country if this coronavirus closes any more betting shops and prevents them from ripping customers off for much longer.”

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Bookmakers

“Weren’t we supposed to lose?” horse asks jockey

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“Weren’t we supposed to lose?” horse asks jockey
Mugbet furious as betting ambassador jockey Alf Archer wins race causing £30 payout

Furious bookmaking firm Mugbet have slammed their betting ambassador jockey Alf Archer for winning a race – causing them to pay out as much as £30.

While Archer was held up 40 lengths detached from the field in the ‘Lose Twenty Grand with Mugbet get 6p in free bets’ 2 mile handicap hurdle, drama unfolded as his nine opponents either fell or ran out – leaving him as the only finisher.

Winning horse Jimmy Jumpsuit said: “We were 7-2 second favourite so I’m sure we were meant to finish last, but what do I know?”

Taking on the morning racing television programme her firm sponsors, Mugbet’s head of Communications, Mrs Claire Simon said: “Archer still hasn’t got the message: we pay him sh*t loads of cash, but he still thinks he should win.

“Torture is now an option.”

“We haven’t decided yet but forcing him to sit through a whole hour of one of our betting shop TV pundits drivel on about “well backed” runners seems a good place to start.”

Archer said: “Please, anything but that – give me thumb screws or waterboarding, I promise to change.”

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