Bookmakers

Scrolls confirm King Herod was a Bookmaker

Published

8 months ago

18th December 2019

Sherbie Johnson

Psychotic Biblical killer King Herod was a Roman Bookie, scrolls show.

A new discovery has proved psycho King Herod of Judea was in fact a successful Roman bookmaker.

Scholars now believe the mental ruler who loved executing boys from Bethlehem also took pleasure in skinning punters alive on betting markets.

Scrolls

Found by archaeologists at Scutter University, a cache of scrolls discovered near Herod's final resting place show early illustrations of the despot clutching a load of betting slips.

Professor Gareth Timms said: "Tenth century illustrations of Herod holding documents have baffled historians for years.

"We've been able to categorically prove these are betting dockets.

"We looked at the drawings of Herod holding his papers with infrared and ultraviolet spectroscopy and made out some of the text. The words 'each way' and 'placepot' are clearly visible.

"How else do you you think he came by all that cash?"

The scientists now believe King Herod came from a long line of Judean betting chiefs.

"His father, Antipater the Idumaean loved to cheat at cards to net himself a tidy profit. So he probably laid false favourites as well.

“He may have been the very first to begin a betting ambassador programme after he paid the senate to appoint his son Herod as King of Judea.

Swindler

Herod, whose misdeeds included murdering three of his own sons, loved nothing more than swindling cash from citizens to fund his armies and building projects.

Bookmaker Dik Venom said: “When he wasn’t having local youths in swimming baths drowned Herod was a successful bookie.

"The scrolls show Herod’s wealth put our modern day ‘giants’ to shame, reporting a whopping 15.4% year-on-year rise in betting revenue, generating 6 Trillion Obols or €2.93bn in today's money every year.”

“Many believe Herod went mental and killed boys to extinguish the future King of the Jews, Jesus of Nazareth.

"However, these were mistranslated orders – he wanted to kill all winning punters.

"In our eyes this makes him a rational and benevolent ruler.”