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Scrolls confirm King Herod was a Bookmaker

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Scrolls show King Herod was a Bookmaker

New discovery shows psychotic Biblical killer King Herod was in fact a bookmaker.

New evidence unearthed by archaeologists at Scutter University shows psychopathic tyrant king Herod of Judea was in fact a successful Roman bookmaker.

A cache of scrolls found near the final resting place of the mental ruler who executed Bethlehem boys, confirms he came from a long line of Judean betting chiefs.

[Herod] may have been the very first gambling supremo who laid false favourites and rigged card games to net himself a tidy profit

The discovery sheds new light on tenth century illustrations of Herod holding documents that had baffled historians for years. Professor Gareth Timms said:

“Without a doubt the new evidence proves Herod is clutching betting slips.”

Herod, whose misdeeds included murdering three of his own sons, loved nothing more than taking cash from citizens to fund his armies and building projects.

“He may have been the very first gambling supremo who laid false favourites and rigged card games to net himself a tidy profit – when he wasn’t having local youths in swimming baths drowned,” Professor Timms said.

Bookmaker Dik Venom said: “The scrolls show Herod’s wealth put our modern day ‘giants’ to shame, reporting a whopping 15.4% year-on-year rise in betting revenue, generating 6 Trillion Obols (€2.93bn) every year.”

“Many believe Herod went mental and killed boys to extinguish the future King of the Jews, Jesus of Nazareth.

“However, these were mistranslated orders – he wanted to kill all winning punters. In our eyes this makes him a perfectly rational and benevolent ruler.”

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Bookmakers

Bookmakers face €20 fines for ‘made up gambles’

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bookmakers who indulge in ‘made-up’ gambles will get a €20 fine and told to ‘stop it’
Regulator says bookmakers who indulge in ‘made-up’ gambles will get a 20 fine and told to ‘stop it’

The gambling watchdog has promised to get tough on bookmakers’ exploitation of the vulnerable by treating fictional gambles – make-believe reports of horses being ‘backed’ or ‘working well’– with a whopping €20 fine and a stiff talking to.

Pretending horses are shortening – from 20-1 into 7-2 for example – bookmakers can extract punters’ money without ever striking a single bet.

Bookmaker Keith Vim said: “Idiots love backing the shortening horses. We call them ‘gambles’ and they earn us a fortune.”

“Without them I couldn’t drive a Bentley, send my kids to private school, or even have bought this gold toilet.”

“You’d think these monster fines would make us behave but we will do f*ck all if everyone wants our cash.”

Although entirely funded from losing bets, the regulator has threatened to ask the bookmakers nicely if they ought to stop the practice.

Gambling watchdog spokeswoman Shelley Craps said: “In addition to the fine, bookmakers flouting the new rule will have a stern letter from us, telling them to stop it.”

“However, our six-figure salaries, mortgages and colossal pensions depend on your lost cash, so we won’t get too angry.”

“Just this week a bookmaker got disapproving look and told they were very naughty, even though they put our letter in the bin.”

Millions are lost on ‘pretend gambles’ every day in the UK and Ireland with bookmakers using their own media outlets in television, in print and on the internet to propagate their made up rubbish.

Spotting the Signs

Striking a compromise, however, the betting watchdog has issued a Safety Pamphlet with all the signs to watch out for in case a full-of-shit bookmaker is trying it on.

Phrases:
  • “He’s the one everyone wants to be on”
  • “Well backed”
  •  “Good money for …”
  • “working well”
Practical Advice
  • Run a mile if anyone from a betting blog wearing bookmaker coats, pom-pom hats or otherwise tells you, ‘all the money has come for this one’  
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Bookmakers

Bookmaker treats punter they made homeless to WHEELIE BIN

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bookmaker t
Mugbet has kindly donated a wheelie bin to a punter they made homeless.

Punter Gareth Timms, who was made homeless by Mugbet’s endless false favourites, rubbish offers, and rigged slot machines, has had an early Christmas present in the shape of a WHEELIE BIN.

Former panel beater Timms used to have a 6-bedroom Devon town house, but since he started betting with Mugbet he now lives outside their shop in a blue recycling bin.

Timms said: “It’s warm, dry and cosy, but the only downside is once a fortnight a bin lorry takes me down the tip and chucks me in the landfill. I have to hobble back into town, but I’m grateful for the exercise really.

“Thank god for the cuts to services or it could be once a week!”

A spokesman for Mugbet whose slogan is “Where the Nation Pays”, Keith Vim said: “Gareth should be delighted with our kind generosity, giving back to the community and securing him a sturdy home he can love and cherish.

“The fact that we were chucking it out anyway isn’t the point: if he doesn’t like his neighbours he can just wheel himself away.

“As a special treat we’ve chucked in a roll of black bin bags he can use as sheets, but now that he can’t give us any more cash he’s banned from within 6 feet of the door.”

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