New discovery shows psychotic Biblical killer King Herod was in fact a bookmaker.
New evidence unearthed by archaeologists at Scutter University shows psychopathic tyrant king Herod of Judea was in fact a successful Roman bookmaker.
A cache of scrolls found near the final resting place of the mental ruler who executed Bethlehem boys, confirms he came from a long line of Judean betting chiefs.
[Herod] may have been the very first gambling supremo who laid false favourites and rigged card games to net himself a tidy profit …
The discovery sheds new light on tenth century illustrations of Herod holding documents that had baffled historians for years. Professor Gareth Timms said:
“Without a doubt the new evidence proves Herod is clutching betting slips.”
Herod, whose misdeeds included murdering three of his own sons, loved nothing more than taking cash from citizens to fund his armies and building projects.
“He may have been the very first gambling supremo who laid false favourites and rigged card games to net himself a tidy profit – when he wasn’t having local youths in swimming baths drowned,” Professor Timms said.
Bookmaker Dik Venom said: “The scrolls show Herod’s wealth put our modern day ‘giants’ to shame, reporting a whopping 15.4% year-on-year rise in betting revenue, generating 6 Trillion Obols (€2.93bn) every year.”
“Many believe Herod went mental and killed boys to extinguish the future King of the Jews, Jesus of Nazareth.
“However, these were mistranslated orders – he wanted to kill all winning punters. In our eyes this makes him a perfectly rational and benevolent ruler.”
Bookmakers’ coronavirus advice: “keep losing, or else”
‘Dire consequences will follow unless punters keep losing money betting during the coronavirus lockdown’, bookmaker warns.
Betting giant Mugbet has warned of ‘dire consequences’ unless customers continue to lose cash during the coronavirus lockdown.
Keith Vim, Mugbet spokesman said: “We’ve tried sending our worst tipsters out on dreadful foreign stuff with links to all our Mugbet affiliates.
“We’ve sent generous “lose a grand get 36p” vouchers through the post.
“We’ve even taken the precaution of leaving a few betting slips in with the temperature charts in hospital beds, but no one’s interested.
“If we don’t get our £300 million bonuses, I promise you it’s bad news for you lot.
“When the shops re-open we won’t be offering odds, you won’t get a bet on and we will settle winners as and when we feel like it – if at all.”
Punter Gareth Timms said: “Business as usual then!”
1 DAY with no beaten favourites makes bookmaker EXPLODE in giant fireball
Spontaneous human combustion to blame after manager explodes in giant fireball following 1 day with no beaten favourites due to coronavirus shop closure.
Police have cordoned off Mugbet’s Gravesend outlet after betting shop manager Keith Vim went into spontaneous human combustion and blew up the building.
Closed due to the coronavirus outbreak, it is thought the betting shop manager was engulfed in a giant fireball after going 24 hours with no punters to rip off or any beaten favourites to lay.
No one was hurt after the blast ripped through the shop’s television gantry, ATM machine and BAGs cards, but self-service betting terminals were beyond repair.
Mugbet’s Dik Venom said: “All that remained of Keith was a steaming pile of ash where he once sat. But don’t worry, you can still bet by post.”
Examining Vim’s burned-to-a-cinder remains, scientists quickly studied the material and made a shocking discovery.
Identifying a weakness in bookmaker DNA, the research confirms the team’s belief that Bookmakers are genetically different to other human beings.
Professor of genomics at Scutter University, Dr. Gareth Timms said:
“Bookmakers’ genetics are completely stable for up to 24 hours as long as there is a steady flow of opportunities to cheat, pay off authorities, or con people out of money.
“However, their Mitochondria explode violently after just 24 hours with no exposure to beaten favourites.
“While this discovery is ground breaking, we had better prepare for more explosions up and down the country if this coronavirus closes any more betting shops and prevents them from ripping customers off for much longer.”
“Weren’t we supposed to lose?” horse asks jockey
Mugbet furious as betting ambassador jockey Alf Archer wins race causing £30 payout
Furious bookmaking firm Mugbet have slammed their betting ambassador jockey Alf Archer for winning a race – causing them to pay out as much as £30.
While Archer was held up 40 lengths detached from the field in the ‘Lose Twenty Grand with Mugbet get 6p in free bets’ 2 mile handicap hurdle, drama unfolded as his nine opponents either fell or ran out – leaving him as the only finisher.
Winning horse Jimmy Jumpsuit said: “We were 7-2 second favourite so I’m sure we were meant to finish last, but what do I know?”
Taking on the morning racing television programme her firm sponsors, Mugbet’s head of Communications, Mrs Claire Simon said: “Archer still hasn’t got the message: we pay him sh*t loads of cash, but he still thinks he should win.
“Torture is now an option.”
“We haven’t decided yet but forcing him to sit through a whole hour of one of our betting shop TV pundits drivel on about “well backed” runners seems a good place to start.”
Archer said: “Please, anything but that – give me thumb screws or waterboarding, I promise to change.”