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Bookmaker can manipulate jockey’s brain with car stereo

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Scientists have developed a device that controls jockeys’ brain cells via a car stereo knob

The wireless ‘Stereo Mind Patch’ allows a bookmaker to take control of jockeys’ brains by twiddling knobs on a Blaupunt or Phillips FM car radio via a bluetooth connection.

Researchers from Mugbet Bookmaker’s Institute of Science and Technology installed the implants to prevent jockeys from riding out if their employers have a large, unwanted liability.

The implants work remotely and can be activated at any time.

Mugbet’s Keith Vim said:

“We don’t even have to worry about them not understanding any complicated orders, or long words. I can sit casually reading a paper in the car park and alter the race using this DAB pocket radio.”

Dik Venom from Mugbet said: “It’s like being in control of the Virtual racing, but for real! I’m the mega lord of betting, hahaha! Watch me press this orange button.”

However, chief scientist at Mugbet Dr Gareth Timms, explains: “There were a few glitches with the car stereo interface: the signal strength hasn’t been powerful enough to cope with the 40 mph speeds racehorses run.

“It made us get crossed wires with FM radio signals, so Classic FM or Kerrang would start belting out the jockeys’ mouths whenever they tried to talk.

“We replaced their eyes with flashing LEDs – but that was just for fun.”

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Ricky Tibbs Website – The Professional Layabout

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Jockey

Bookmaker, trainer and jockey’s 3-way sex romp in HORSE BOX

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Trainer and jockey caught with their bookmaker boss in steamy sex romp in back of HORSE BOX.

A bookmaker whipped both the trainer and jockey he sponsors, naked – except for the bridle and cheek pieces they wore – during a 3-way sex romp in the back of a HORSE BOX.

The trio – trainer Alf Archer, jockey Maxwell Benson and bookmaker Keith Vim – were said to have been getting intimate in the back of racehorse Jimmy Jumpsuit’s trailer.

Downplaying the scandal, Mugbet’s head of communications Dik Venom said: “This is a simple misunderstanding; our brand ambassadors were showing Keith how to ‘tack up’.

Asked why they were naked, Venom replied: “Do you know how hot it is in there? Just right for horses, but sweltering for men in suits.”

Rumbled

The randy racing threesome was rumbled by stable boy Gareth Timms, who went to fetch his packed lunch from the horse box he travels and sleeps in.

Stunned Timms, 19, immediately alerted race day stewards, racing officials and racecourse security – all of whom are also paid by Mugbet.

Quick to cover for their sponsors, the racecourse staff said ‘move along, nothing to see here’.

But a racegoer alerted the police after seeing bookmaker Keith Vim punch stable boy Timms and drag him unconscious into the straw-filled love wagon.

X-Rated

It is understood the executive team chucked the lusty lovers out of the track after the local authorities caught wind of their X-rated activities.

Trainer Archer and jockey Benson were unavailable for comment, while stable boy Timms has not been seen since the incident.

Horse, Jimmy Jumpsuit said: “It’s disgusting what trainers and jockeys have to do for cash these days.”

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Horses

Mensa confirms horse has higher IQ than Jockey

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Mensa Confirms Racehorse Jimmy jumpsuit with an IQ of 160 is smarter than his jockey

With an IQ of 160, race horse Jimmy Jumpsuit is officially brainier than his jockey and trainer combined

The exclusive Mensa society confirmed race horse Jimmy Jumpsuit is now among the world’s cleverest after completing two supervised IQ tests last week.

Scoring 160, 8-year old chaser Jimmy Jumpsuit is officially cleverer than Carol Vorderman, but on a par with Einstein, Steven Hawking and Sylvester Stallone.

Dr Gareth Timms, Mensa IQ coordinator said:  “With the so-called genius benchmark at 140, Jimmy is probably the horse equivalent of Rain Man.”

Jockey Maxwell Benson said: “He’s always using long words I don’t understand, which probably explains our miscommunication and why he hasn’t won a race yet.”

By the time he was a yearling he could speak six languages, including Latin and Ancient Greek, and give his trainer financial advice.

Trainer Alf Archer said: “He might not be the best chaser, but he can complete a tax return in about six minutes.”

“When he was little, he used to get shunned by all the other foals and called ‘geek’. Now he sits in his shed plotting their downfalls.”

Rival horse, Timmy Tracksuit said: “Because he’s so clever he works out where we have to finish to get the Trixies up. However his instructions were too complicated and we all fell over. He said we’re all ‘useless thickoes’ and gave up racing to learn quantum mechanics.”

Jimmy Jumpsuit said: “These tests confirm something I’ve known for a long time: I’m a genius. Having thought about it, I’m of the opinion that most people are morons – f*cking idiots, and should be treated so!”

“However, while I see the beauty in calculus and the golden ratio, I’d much rather be chomping on grass and rolling in mud – if you don’t mind.”

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