Scientists have developed a device that controls jockeys’ brain cells via a car stereo knob
The wireless ‘Stereo Mind Patch’ allows a bookmaker to take control of jockeys’ brains by twiddling knobs on a Blaupunt or Phillips FM car radio via a bluetooth connection.
Researchers from Mugbet Bookmaker’s Institute of Science and Technology installed the implants to prevent jockeys from riding out if their employers have a large, unwanted liability.
The implants work remotely and can be activated at any time.
Mugbet’s Keith Vim said:
“We don’t even have to worry about them not understanding any complicated orders, or long words. I can sit casually reading a paper in the car park and alter the race using this DAB pocket radio.”
Dik Venom from Mugbet said: “It’s like being in control of the Virtual racing, but for real! I’m the mega lord of betting, hahaha! Watch me press this orange button.”
However, chief scientist at Mugbet Dr Gareth Timms, explains: “There were a few glitches with the car stereo interface: the signal strength hasn’t been powerful enough to cope with the 40 mph speeds racehorses run.
“It made us get crossed wires with FM radio signals, so Classic FM or Kerrang would start belting out the jockeys’ mouths whenever they tried to talk.
“We replaced their eyes with flashing LEDs – but that was just for fun.”
“Weren’t we supposed to lose?” horse asks jockey
Mugbet furious as betting ambassador jockey Alf Archer wins race causing £30 payout
Furious bookmaking firm Mugbet have slammed their betting ambassador jockey Alf Archer for winning a race – causing them to pay out as much as £30.
While Archer was held up 40 lengths detached from the field in the ‘Lose Twenty Grand with Mugbet get 6p in free bets’ 2 mile handicap hurdle, drama unfolded as his nine opponents either fell or ran out – leaving him as the only finisher.
Winning horse Jimmy Jumpsuit said: “We were 7-2 second favourite so I’m sure we were meant to finish last, but what do I know?”
Taking on the morning racing television programme her firm sponsors, Mugbet’s head of Communications, Mrs Claire Simon said: “Archer still hasn’t got the message: we pay him sh*t loads of cash, but he still thinks he should win.
“Torture is now an option.”
“We haven’t decided yet but forcing him to sit through a whole hour of one of our betting shop TV pundits drivel on about “well backed” runners seems a good place to start.”
Archer said: “Please, anything but that – give me thumb screws or waterboarding, I promise to change.”
Jockey sacked for winning race
Jockey Alf Archer has been sacked by his bookmaker for winning the race they also sponsor.
Mugbet have sacked their betting ambassador jockey Alf Archer for WINNING a race they sponsor.
His instructions had been to hold up the horse and get into trouble, but Anderson was able to avoid a cluster of runners to win the £250,000 guaranteed Mugbet Stakes on the 6-4 favourite by two lengths.
Some bookmakers laid bets on the winning horse, paying out as much as £30.
“What a f*ckin clown,” said Keith Vim of Mugbet.
“His betting blog said he had a good chance of winning. He’s not supposed to actually go and win it.”
While jockeys are paid by bookmakers for their promotional blogs and marketing material, riders who follow through and win races on favourites and second favourites seem to miss the point.
“What’s the f*ckin point in having a jockey who actually wins races?” Dik Venom, Mugbet CEO said.
“My annual bonus is suffering. Worst of all is Archer is giving the impression that the short-priced runners have got a chance. It’s a f*cking outrage!”
The affected bookmaker’s net profits, after tax and operating expenses, were down the second quarter of this financial year to a ten-year low of £2.6 billion.
Archer was unavailable for comment.
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Bookies pelt naked jockeys with horse MANURE
‘Betting ambassador initiation got a bit out of hand’ say bookmaking chiefs who pelted naked pro jockeys with horse MANURE.
Jockeys Alf Archer and Tarquin Bibby were admitted as Mugbet’s new betting ambassadors after 20 bookmaking chiefs pelted them naked with clumps of horse manure in a secret initiation ceremony.
However, a local resident caught the embarrassing ‘hazing’ scenes on camera in an Aldi carpark.
Returning from a shopping trip on her mobility scooter, Mavis Tibbs, 79, and her daughter Prudence, 53, were horrified to see the naked riders pursued across the adjacent field by a jeep of ‘suited spivs in trilbies’.
While commercial partnerships allow professional riders or trainers to be paid by a bookmaker in return for blog or promotional material, the ritual initiation to the programmes has always been kept secret.
Mrs Tibbs said: “These poor lads were stark bollock naked trying to take shelter from the evil men who were chucking bundles of horse muck at them. Everything was plastered,” said Mrs Tibbs, wiping her glasses.
Punters to Blame
But both parties agreed that ‘punters were to blame’ after it emerged that a racegoer allegedly suggested the idea to the bookmaker ‘as a joke’.
Mugbet’s Keith Vim said: “On this occasion, we didn’t have enough treacle, bees, fireworks or the correct number of garden forks for the usual admittance ceremony.
“So, given that we were outside the racecourse, horse sh*t was in abundance. We just let them have it. ”
Jockey Alf Archer said: “We’re so privileged to get wads of cash for such pointless blogs – PELT US EVERY DAY!”