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Facial hair banned as jockey gets beard trapped in stalls

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Racing authorities have banned all facial hair for professional riders after popular jockey Alf Archer got his beard trapped in the starting stalls.

While it has been permissible – albeit unpopular – for a jockey to wear a beard, Archer’s accident will mean all facial hair will be banned with immediate effect.

Set to ride top sprinter Jimmy Jumpsuit in the ‘Free Bets With Mugbet You’re Having a Laugh Ain’t Ya?’ handicap, Archer’s beard became trapped in the Newmarket stalls.

Racing authorities have banned all facial hair for professional riders after popular jockey Alf Archer got his beard trapped in the starting stalls.
Popular jockey Alf Archer got his beard trapped in the starting stalls

Leaning forward to check his mount Archer’s facial hair caught in the front hinges after the 5 year old gelding lunged forward, upwards, then sideways.

Wife Gladys said: “The starter let them go and it ripped his beard right off. He is having surgery and will be out of action for at least 6 months.”

Rushed to hospital in Bury St Edmunds, Archer, a distant relative of Fred, gave up his remaining mounts for the rest of the meeting.

As first jockey to Arse Holdings, Archer’s rides will now go to clean shaven understudy Des Beak.

Stipendary steward, Tarquin Bibby said: “While we wish Archer a speedy recovery, I hope he has learned his lesson.

Racing authorities have banned all facial hair for professional riders
Racing authorities have banned all facial hair for professional riders

“Beards will now have no place in racing and will be confined to hostages, university lecturers and naval captains. And d*ckhead hipsters as well.”

Jimmpy Jumpsuit said: “That will teach him.”

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Jockey

Bookies pelt naked jockeys with horse MANURE

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professional jockeys pelted naked with horse manure by bookmakers in betting ambassador initiation ceremony
‘Betting ambassador initiation got a bit out of hand’ say bookmaking chiefs who pelted naked pro jockeys with horse MANURE.

Jockeys Alf Archer and Tarquin Bibby were admitted as Mugbet’s new betting ambassadors after 20 bookmaking chiefs pelted them naked with clumps of horse manure in a secret initiation ceremony.

However, a local resident caught the embarrassing ‘hazing’ scenes on camera in an Aldi carpark.

Returning from a shopping trip on her mobility scooter, Mavis Tibbs, 79, and her daughter Prudence, 53, were horrified to see the naked riders pursued across the adjacent field by a jeep of ‘suited spivs in trilbies’.

Dirty Secret

While commercial partnerships allow professional riders or trainers to be paid by a bookmaker in return for blog or promotional material, the ritual initiation to the programmes has always been kept secret.

Mrs Tibbs said: “These poor lads were stark bollock naked trying to take shelter from the evil men who were chucking bundles of horse muck at them. Everything was plastered,” said Mrs Tibbs, wiping her glasses.

Punters to Blame

But both parties agreed that ‘punters were to blame’ after it emerged that a racegoer allegedly suggested the idea to the bookmaker ‘as a joke’.

Mugbet’s Keith Vim said: “On this occasion, we didn’t have enough treacle, bees, fireworks or the correct number of garden forks for the usual admittance ceremony.

“So, given that we were outside the racecourse, horse sh*t was in abundance. We just let them have it. ”

Jockey Alf Archer said: “We’re so privileged to get wads of cash for such pointless blogs – PELT US EVERY DAY!”

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Jockey

Bookmaker, trainer and jockey’s 3-way sex romp in HORSE BOX

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Trainer and jockey caught with their bookmaker boss in steamy sex romp in back of HORSE BOX.

A bookmaker whipped both the trainer and jockey he sponsors, naked – except for the bridle and cheek pieces they wore – during a 3-way sex romp in the back of a HORSE BOX.

The trio – trainer Alf Archer, jockey Maxwell Benson and bookmaker Keith Vim – were said to have been getting intimate in the back of racehorse Jimmy Jumpsuit’s trailer.

Downplaying the scandal, Mugbet’s head of communications Dik Venom said: “This is a simple misunderstanding; our brand ambassadors were showing Keith how to ‘tack up’.

Asked why they were naked, Venom replied: “Do you know how hot it is in there? Just right for horses, but sweltering for men in suits.”

Rumbled

The randy racing threesome was rumbled by stable boy Gareth Timms, who went to fetch his packed lunch from the horse box he travels and sleeps in.

Stunned Timms, 19, immediately alerted race day stewards, racing officials and racecourse security – all of whom are also paid by Mugbet.

Quick to cover for their sponsors, the racecourse staff said ‘move along, nothing to see here’.

But a racegoer alerted the police after seeing bookmaker Keith Vim punch stable boy Timms and drag him unconscious into the straw-filled love wagon.

X-Rated

It is understood the executive team chucked the lusty lovers out of the track after the local authorities caught wind of their X-rated activities.

Trainer Archer and jockey Benson were unavailable for comment, while stable boy Timms has not been seen since the incident.

Horse, Jimmy Jumpsuit said: “It’s disgusting what trainers and jockeys have to do for cash these days.”

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