Punter flummoxed by friendly betting shop staff

Published

3 months ago

30th October 2019

Tony Titt

punter flummoxed by friendly betting shop staff

A punter was totally baffled when a friendly betting shop staff member said “hello”.

When unemployed dog punter Gareth Timms, 49, visited his local Mugbet betting shop, a pleasant, friendly member of staff greeted him with a smile.

“I nearly sh*t myself” said the dumbfounded Timms. “When I walked in the young lass behind the counter looked up and smiled.

‘Hello’ she said.”

“I wondered whether she wanted to check if I was stealing the Racing Post? Or was I pinching the free biscuits and sh*tty coffee? She just said ‘lovely day isn’t it’.”

“I nearly spontaneously human combusted!”

Man scoops jackpot after putting cheese slices into roulette machine

Keith Vim, Mugbet’s retail spokesman said: “While our industry thrives on scowling and treating punters with the contempt they deserve there will sadly be some exceptions.”

“The young lady was new but soon she’ll be smoking at the counter, telling punters to f*ck off and accusing them of being on the dole – and asking if she can go home early.”

“If she does end up serving them, she will do so with a hot dog in one hand and a Cornetto in the other. They will f*cking wait till she’s finished eating them.”

This publication spoke to Shelley Craps, the pleasant cashier in question:

“I was just being nice, but apparently I’ll be hating every single one them in a few days.”

“My manager told me try to feel good about paying my mortgage off from these sad losers’ bets that have gone down, and gave me advice for how to treat winners.”

“This pamphlet ‘Dealing with Vermin’ is a big help.”

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Mystery deepens as ‘bookie-runner’ dog disappears with cash

Missing for three days, St Bernard Gareth Timms’ time-stamp machine was found in a ditch

Published

3 months ago

22nd October 2019

Desdemona Phelps

Mystery deepens as 'bookie-runner' St Bernard dog Gareth Timms disappears with cash

The disappearance of ‘bookie-runner’ St Bernard dog Gareth Timms has made him chief suspect in Mugbet’s missing cash saga

The mystery over Mugbet’s lost revenues deepened last night after fears their bookie dog ‘runner’ disappeared with all the cash.

Gareth Timms an 8-year old St Bernard dog worked circulating local pubs and bingo halls taking bets from customers.

Instead of a brandy neck cask, Gareth Timms came equipped with a time stamp machine so punters could verify their own bets.

However, Gareth had not been seen for three days after his scheduled ‘check in’ and despite extensive searches only his time-stamp machine could be found in a ditch.

Mugbet’s Keith Vim said: “Please, if anyone’s seen our lovely big brown bag of cash please return it to us asap.”

Punter Alf Archer said: “The St Bernard dog with the old bus conductor’s ticket machine? One year we had 8 feet of snow and no electricity, but he dug us out and took bets. I hope he’s OK.”

Speaking to this publication, Gareth Timms said: “I’ve saved up and I’ve got enough here to retire in a Swiss Chalet. If I see another each way Round f*cking Robin I’ll bite someone.”

“My golden years won’t be filled rescuing dickhead travellers who’ve gone astray, topping them up with a stiff drink, nosiree.”

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Bookmaker setting up on Mars ‘Ready for Red Planet losers’

Published

4 months ago

3rd October 2019

Desdemona Phelps

A bookmaker is setting up fifteen betting shops on Mars to profit from alien losers in case life is discovered on the Red Planet

While Mars may not have any streets yet Bookmaker Mugbet has already secured planning permission for fifteen betting emporiums on the Red Planet.

In a bid to get alien life forms hooked on fixed odds betting terminals and virtual horse racing, Mugbet is erecting fifteen of its shops along a 0.3 mile stretch from the space craft landing site.

Keith Vim from Mugbet said: “If there are life forms we’ll get their cash.”

Bookmaker setting up on Mars ‘Ready for Red Planet losers’ — Mugbet says: “If there are any life forms on Mars we’ll get their cash.”

However, Gareth Timms, professor of astronomy at Scutter University said an advanced extra-terrestrial civilisation could see the bookmakers’ rubbish betting opportunities as a threat and destroy all humanity.

Laser Cannon Heads

“Mugbet are gambling with the survival of the human race. While they hoodwink other humans with their false favourites and offers of cash to all the regulators here it might not wash with intelligent beings that have laser cannons coming out of their heads.”

If things go well on Mars, Mugbet will scale aggressively into other unexplored areas of the galaxy.

“Soon there won’t be a nook or cranny in the universe free from betting terminals. Therefore, we will have a giant ‘Death Star Betting Shop’ that ejects punters into the vacuum of space if they win. Maybe I could have a black cape and a terrifying theme tune every time I made an entrance,” said Vim.

Extra-terrestrial alien Xaerksuh Fseruih said:

“We’ve studied bookmakers’ methods of enslaving the human race and they’re better than the mind-zapping devices we’ve come up with.”

“Putting their shops here, I suppose they think we’re stupid and will fall for…wow the ball shoots out every 30 seconds and you can win a tenner?!”

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