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Racing pundits’ ‘Dawn Chorus’ of utter bullsh*t draws big crowds



Crowds flock to hear horse racing pundits dawn chorus of bullsh*t

Tourists have flocked to hear a new Dawn Chorus – the warbling bullshit of racing pundits  

The ‘Dawn Chorus’ of racing pundits warbling bullshit at each other on Halifax town moor – has drawn crowds of 20,000 enthusiasts from across the world.

One of the great spectacles of Nature, the enchanting cacophony of ‘high head carriage’, ‘easy lead’ and ‘got the fractions right’, build in the 4.00 am skies to a crescendo of utter toss.

While the chillier autumn mornings have marked the start of the jumps season, the shortening daylight hours have switched horse racing pundits’ hormones to a more aggressive mode – making them defend their territory and call for a mate, or bookmaking sponsor.

To accommodate the throng of pilgrims, the council have erected new camouflaged huts for the visitors to observe the natural phenomenon.

Shit Chatting

Enthusiast Alf Archer said: “After the silence of summer, winter shit-chatting punditry fills our hearts with joy. Listen: something about ‘finishing 9th six runs ago… good form,’ it brings a tear to the eye.”

“Their disorientating song is so unique it makes you forget time and space even exist.”

Pundit spotter Tarquin Bibby said: “I’m hoping to catch a glimpse of the rare ‘Time-Form’ breed that have migrated back. Despite being in their 40’s, they’re easily distinguished by teenage downy fluff and sandpapery half-beards.”

“I’ve seen the predator feeding fest of gannets, dolphins, sharks and whales munching on sardines. I’ve witnessed the Great Migration of wildebeest through the Serengeti National Park in Tanzania – all pale into insignificance.”

Racing pundit Gareth Timms said: “Bookmakers choose a ‘mate’ who can confuse punters. It’s essential to give them useless information at 200 miles per hour so it’s stiff competition out here.”

“Now if you don’t mind – ‘absolutely‘, ‘well backed‘, ‘exactly‘, ‘runs left-handed‘, ‘market’s got this one right‘, ‘look‘, ‘listen‘ “

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Pundits’ UK Tour to bore racing fans sh*tless



Racing pundits will tour the UK in a massive ‘punting’ truck, promising to bore horse racing fans to tears.
Racing pundits will tour the UK in a massive ‘punting’ truck, promising to bore horse racing fans to tears.

18 well-known pundits will complete a tour of all the UK’s racecourses, promising to absolutely bore horse racing fans shitless.

Spending the next twelve months in the mobile ‘Punting Truck’ the incessant yappers will make dedicated racing fans yawning deliriously to within an inch of their lives.

Pundit Tarquin Bibby said: “Our 7-hour workshops will let racing fans hear all their favourite clichés like ‘evenly-run race’, ‘setting the fractions’, ‘easy lead’ and any other bullshit that we’ve made up.

UK horse racing pundits will tour in a Punting truck
Racing pundits will tour the UK in a ‘punting truck’, promising to bore horse racing fans to tears

“It’s hard making something so interesting, thrilling and simple sound so utterly dull and complicated that paying enthusiasts will want to violently kill themselves again and again.

Racing fan Gareth Timms said: “I imagine this is what being taken hostage is like – except I’m paying for it.”

Tour organiser Leonard Jeffries said: “If you didn’t hate racing before, you definitely will after hearing this lot chunter away. You’ll probably lose the will to live and shoot yourself – or one of us! It’s f*cking brilliant!”

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Pundit sacked for tipping winners



Pundit sacked for tipping winners

Bookmaking giant Mugbet has sacked TV pundit Gareth Timms for tipping TWO winners.

49-year-old horse racing pundit Gareth Timms was sacked just 1 hour into his new role after he admitted to giving sensible opinions and tipping TWO winners.

Timms was fired instantly after spending his entire slot focusing on good form then coming out with a sensible choice. Furious bookmakers everywhere have panned him ‘the worst pundit in living memory’.

Mugbet’s Keith Vim went ballistic at Timms’ blatant disregard for peddling out losers: “Everyone else makes us cash by tipping god awful rubbish that has no chance. It’s coming up to Christmas ffs!”

“I guess he thinks he’s funny: I could almost forgive him if he tipped the second favourites that tailed off last. Probably thinks he’s some sort of Robin Hood.”

“We should have seen the signs when he turned up to work with a brief case, wearing a pin-striped suit – I mean who the fuck does he think he is?”

Pundit Gareth Timms said: “The racing industry has blackballed me, and my local MP has raised questions about my winning tips in the House of Commons. Someone even spray painted the words ‘fuck off’ on my car bonnet.”

Mugbet’s Head of Programming said: ”For the rest of the jumps season, we’ll stick with ex-jockeys who’ve been on our payrolls for years.”

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