Connect with us

Racecourses

Horse-fearing criminals to work as White Flag Men

Published

on

Petty criminals sh*t scared of horses will complete their community service punishment as a white flag operator

50-hour community service – for offences like littering, shoplifting, or piggybacking onto a neighbour’s WiFi – will see equine-phobic petty criminals get jobs as white flag operators.

The think tank Let’s Get Petty is targeting minor criminals whose behaviour has not progressed to high crime like robbery, murder or treason – by frightening the sh*t out of them.

Positioned in the centre of the track about a furlong in advance of the runners, White Flag operators indicate the start of a race is imminent.

Horse-fearing criminals to work as White Flag Men
Minor offences like littering, shoplifting, or piggybacking onto a neighbour’s WiFi will see equine-phobic petty criminals complete community service as white flag operators.

Traditionally old chaps topping up their state pensions, white flag men tend to be former racecourse employees.

The new scheme, however, selects confirmed equinophobics – people afraid of horses. Non-equinophobics, on the other hand, quickly develop a fear after being strapped to a mattress, shown images of Red Rum and beaten with rolled-up Racing Posts.

Punishment

Professor Dik Venom from Scutter University said: “Twats caught fishing without a rod licence, loiterers, or people who feed the parking meters will now get the punishment they deserve.”

“Running from a 30-strong cavalry charge while crapping themselves is a good way to learn about civic duties.”

“Not only has the prospect of being galloped over scared them shitless but repeat-offender rates have dropped to zero.

“While seasoned White Flag operators nonchalantly stroll out of the way, some of our petty criminals on the programme have legged it off the racecourse and jumped the wall.”

“Sadly they met an untimely end on the motorway. Still, it will stop them committing crimes like paying tradesmen in cash or nicking Haribo.”

Gareth Timms, convicted for stealing paint brushes said: “The sight of manes and hooves brings me out in cold sweats.”

“Please send me back to that cell I shared with Butcher Barry who’s in for triple murder.”

Don’t Miss
How to Deal with Losing Runs
Bookmakers Setting up on Mars
Nutter who smashed up shops puzzled by ban
Ricky Tibbs Website – The Professional Layabout

Continue Reading
Advertisement
Click to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Bookmakers

Racing called off as floodlights go OUT on Bookmaker logos

Published

on

Racing called off as floodlights go OUT on Bookmaker logos
Furious betting chiefs pulled the plug on racing last night after Scutter Park’s power failure left bookmaker logos unilluminated.

Betting giant Mugbet was incensed with rage after a power failure left its two thousand bookmaker logos in the dark along the home straight at Scutter Park racecourse.

While it was light enough to run the race Mugbet prevented any racing from going ahead unless their “Where the Nation PAYS” betting banners were fully lit up.

Additionally, the lack of power meant Mugbet’s popular effigy of a dead, crucified punter was unable to be hoisted up.

Jockey Tarquin Bibby said: “All the jockeys had made the full Sign of the Cross before the Mugbet logo in the weighing room using holy water.

“We were all set to receive our riding instructions from the bookmakers in the paddock, but then Keith [Vim, Mugbet’s head of Communications] told us all to get back in and say nothing.”

Trainer Alf Archer said: “None of the horses could have raced anyway as they’d walked 250 miles around the parade ring waiting for an announcement.”

Mugbet spokesman, Dik Venom said: “I don’t care how many circles the stable boys walked or whether these horses travelled up from Timbuctoo, you’d better get our logo on every inch of that straight lit up or we’re closing this place down.

“As punishment, senior racecourse executives will wear high-vis Mugbet jackets like the golf sale ad men on Regent Street and be paraded in just their underpants. Mugbet underpants.”

You Might Like
Help for Shed-Dwelling Gambler who Downsized 16 times
Horse thinks Humans are Stupid
Jockey sacked for not swerving
Bookmakers shoot down in-running drones with rocket launchers

Continue Reading

Racecourses

Abandoning waterlogged meeting ‘for wimps’ says crazy b*stard manager

Published

on

Scutter Park’s general manager has blasted calls to abandon the waterlogged meeting as ‘wimpish bullsh*t’

Scutter Park’s general manager has blasted calls to abandon the waterlogged meeting as ‘wimpish bullsh*t’

While basking sharks are swimming upsides the grandstand windows, Scutter Park’s general manager – former army Captain Gareth Timms – has slammed those calling for an abandoning the waterlogged meeting as a load of ‘f*cking wimps’.

“I’m sitting in a 3 foot stream of water in my office. It’s up to my waist and I’m wearing shorts and a snorkel.”

“Get your swimming trunks on and get those f*cking horses on that track,” yelled Captain Timms.

Trainer Maxwell Benson, who had declared runners at today’s meeting, said: “It’s the end of the world – the Great Deluge has arrived, but that crazy bastard Timms told us racing goes ahead because horses can swim.”

“The racecourse management team put it down to him being a hard, ex-army leader, but I put it down to him being a f*cking lunatic.”

Chestnut gelding Jimmy Jumpsuit, last year’s Scutter Novices’ Hurdle winner said: “We have stacks of fun splashing around.”

“My dream job is at one of those water parks, giving the nod to swimmers going down the slides – let’s race damn it!”

Don’t Miss
Pundit Win Celebrations ‘not sh*t at all’ says idiot
New pawnbroker bookies offer cashless betting
Trainers paid by bookmakers fretting over compulsory period costumes
Stallion tells visitors to “piss off and let me sleep”
Ricky Tibbs Website – The Professional Layabout

Continue Reading

Trending