Racecourses

Criminal scared of horses sentenced to job as White Flag Man

Published

1 year ago

19th April 2020

Small time crook terrified of horses serves punishment waving white flags on race tracks

Small time crook terrified of horses serves punishment waving white flag on race tracks

Gareth Timms, convicted for putting potatoes through a letterbox, was given a bizarre, novel sentence – to work as a White Flag man on a race course.

Terrified of horses, Timms is the first to accept a new punishment recommended by the Think Tank Let’s Get Petty targeting minor criminals whose behaviour has not spiralled out of control to high crime like robbery, murder or treason.

Timms, said: “The sight of manes and hooves brings me out in cold sweats.”

“I’d rather go back to the cell I shared with Butcher Barry who’s in for triple murder.”

Instead of a 50-hour community service order – for offences like littering, shoplifting, or piggybacking onto a neighbour’s WiFi – equine-phobic petty criminals get jobs on race tracks waving white flags.

While the scheme selects equinophobics – people who are afraid of horses - the criminals who are NOT scared quickly develop a fear after being strapped to a mattress, shown images of Red Rum and beaten senseless with rolled-up Racing Posts.

Punishment

Professor Dik Venom from Scutter University said: “Caught fishing without a rod licence? Loitering, or feeding the parking meter? You’ll now get the punishment you deserve.”

“Running from a 30-strong cavalry charge while crapping yourself is a good way to learn about civic duties.”

“Repeat-offender rates have dropped to zero.

Small time crook terrified of horses serves punishment waving white flags on race tracks

“Caught fishing without a rod licence? Loitering, or feeding the parking meter? You’ll now get the punishment you deserve.”

“While seasoned White Flag operators nonchalantly stroll out of the way, the irrational fear got the better of some on the programme; they legged it off the racecourse and jumped the wall.”

“Although they met an untimely end on the motorway, it will hopefully make delinquents stop and think before committing crimes like paying tradesmen in cash or nicking Haribo.”