Bookmakers
Bookmakers’ coronavirus advice: “keep losing, or else”
‘Dire consequences will follow unless punters keep losing money betting during the coronavirus lockdown’, bookmaker warns.
Betting giant Mugbet has warned of ‘dire consequences’ unless customers continue to lose cash during the coronavirus lockdown.
Keith Vim, Mugbet spokesman said: “We’ve tried sending our worst tipsters out on dreadful foreign stuff with links to all our Mugbet affiliates.
“We’ve sent generous “lose a grand get 36p” vouchers through the post.
“We’ve even taken the precaution of leaving a few betting slips in with the temperature charts in hospital beds, but no one’s interested.
“If we don’t get our £300 million bonuses, I promise you it’s bad news for you lot.
“When the shops re-open we won’t be offering odds, you won’t get a bet on and we will settle winners as and when we feel like it – if at all.”
Punter Gareth Timms said: “Business as usual then!”
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Spontaneous human combustion to blame after manager explodes in giant fireball following 1 day with no beaten favourites due to coronavirus shop closure.
Police have cordoned off Mugbet’s Gravesend outlet after betting shop manager Keith Vim went into spontaneous human combustion and blew up the building.
Closed due to the coronavirus outbreak, it is thought the betting shop manager was engulfed in a giant fireball after going 24 hours with no punters to rip off or any beaten favourites to lay.
No one was hurt after the blast ripped through the shop’s television gantry, ATM machine and BAGs cards, but self-service betting terminals were beyond repair.
Mugbet’s Dik Venom said: “All that remained of Keith was a steaming pile of ash where he once sat. But don’t worry, you can still bet by post.”
Bookmaking DNA
Examining Vim’s burned-to-a-cinder remains, scientists quickly studied the material and made a shocking discovery.
Identifying a weakness in bookmaker DNA, the research confirms the team’s belief that Bookmakers are genetically different to other human beings.
Professor of genomics at Scutter University, Dr. Gareth Timms said:
“Bookmakers’ genetics are completely stable for up to 24 hours as long as there is a steady flow of opportunities to cheat, pay off authorities, or con people out of money.
“However, their Mitochondria explode violently after just 24 hours with no exposure to beaten favourites.
“While this discovery is ground breaking, we had better prepare for more explosions up and down the country if this coronavirus closes any more betting shops and prevents them from ripping customers off for much longer.”
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Grandad who ran over bookmaker with MOBILITY SCOOTER spared jail
Pundit sacked for tipping winners
Pundits’ UK Tour to bore racing fans sh*tless
A man who used his souped up mobility scooter to ‘battering ram’ a racecourse bookmaker has walked free.
Using his mobility scooter as a battering ram, Tarquin Bibby, 89, drove over racecourse bookie Dik Venom in a fit of rage.
Fitted with Nitrous Oxide, the extensively modified scooter could reach speeds of up to 70 mph – way above the legal limit of 4mph on a pavement.
Bibby claimed the assault was ‘an accident’ but race course witnesses said the pensioner went ‘f*cking mental’ – ploughing into the bookmaker after a disagreement over a price.
With a £1 bet on Jimmy Jumpsuit at odds of 2-1, the 80% deaf former WW2 veteran believed he had actually been given 200-1.
Expecting a £201 return, Bibby collected a paltry £3 from the Mugbet representative at Perth racecourse last July.
Shouting and swearing, the former WW2 pilot reversed 50 yards then charged at the bookmaker’s pitch.
Fast & Furious Grandad
The judge described Bibby’s motorized wheelchair as “something out of a Fast and Furious film”.
With a an acceleration rate of 0 to 60 mph in 6 seconds, the OAP ‘truck’ was even faster than a Ford Fiesta.
Bibby was given a suspended sentence at Perth Sheriff Court House on August 12 for 6 months, fined £20,564.25 and banned from driving for 18 months.
Sentencing fiscal depute William Tupe said: “This was an act of malevolent evil for which an 8 year minimum in custody would be fitting. However I have lost tons of cash to Mugbet so a 6 month suspended sentence till after Goodwood is appropriate”.
Venom said: “This old nutter drove at me like a rocket, smashing up the pitch – wheel spinning over my head.”
Miraculously, Venom sustained no long term injuries.
“I was able to lay the remaining six beaten favourites,” Venom said.
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Bookmakers’ coronavirus advice: “keep losing, or else”
1 DAY with no beaten favourites makes bookmaker EXPLODE in giant fireball
