Trainers
Bookmakers launch Cash for Trainers Christmas appeal
Instead of losing on beaten favourites, Boxing Day punters can pay trainers direct by chucking cash in a bucket.
Trainers who are paid by bookmakers will get more cash following the launch of a new Christmas charity appeal. Instead of losing on one of their beaten favourites, punters can throw money into a bucket and send it directly to the trainer.
Trainer Alf Archer said: “Christmas is all about getting presents. Don’t send the Salvation Army 19 quid – give it to us so we can get sports cars and strippers.”
“Trainers are practically scraping by on £400K a year. We’ll take 2p coins wrapped in chewing gum from off the floor; anything as long as it’s not our money.”
“Make sure it’s crisp wonga though: sh*t like hampers or cards will only end up in landfill.”
Keith Vim from Mugbet said: “These poor horse racing trainers who only have one Landrover each are struggling to buy a fifth home. Therefore, bookmakers in Santa outfits will shake cash buckets at you while you’re desperately trying to watch the Kind George. Come and give us a wad. Ho ho ho!”
Punter Gareth Timms said: “None of my kids will have any Christmas gifts – my wallet’s reeling from all the donations.
“I haven’t even had a bet yet but there’s a whopping ten grand in the bucket on its way to one lucky trainer. It’s f*cking brilliant!”
You Might Like
Trainer and jockey caught with their bookmaker boss in steamy sex romp in back of HORSE BOX.
A bookmaker whipped both the trainer and jockey he sponsors, naked – except for the bridle and cheek pieces they wore – during a 3-way sex romp in the back of a HORSE BOX.
The trio – trainer Alf Archer, jockey Maxwell Benson and bookmaker Keith Vim – were said to have been getting intimate in the back of racehorse Jimmy Jumpsuit’s trailer.
Downplaying the scandal, Mugbet’s head of communications Dik Venom said: “This is a simple misunderstanding; our brand ambassadors were showing Keith how to ‘tack up’.
Asked why they were naked, Venom replied: “Do you know how hot it is in there? Just right for horses, but sweltering for men in suits.”
Rumbled
The randy racing threesome was rumbled by stable boy Gareth Timms, who went to fetch his packed lunch from the horse box he travels and sleeps in.
Stunned Timms, 19, immediately alerted race day stewards, racing officials and racecourse security – all of whom are also paid by Mugbet.
Quick to cover for their sponsors, the racecourse staff said ‘move along, nothing to see here’.
But a racegoer alerted the police after seeing bookmaker Keith Vim punch stable boy Timms and drag him unconscious into the straw-filled love wagon.
X-Rated
It is understood the executive team chucked the lusty lovers out of the track after the local authorities caught wind of their X-rated activities.
Trainer Archer and jockey Benson were unavailable for comment, while stable boy Timms has not been seen since the incident.
Horse, Jimmy Jumpsuit said: “It’s disgusting what trainers and jockeys have to do for cash these days.”
Don’t Miss
Bookmakers shoot down in-running drones with rocket launchers
Horse-fearing criminals to work as White Flag Men
Help for Shed-Dwelling Gambler who Downsized 16 times
Ricky Tibbs Website – The Professional Layabout
26-stone jumps trainer Alf Archer is optimistic of a good year despite jogging past his horses in their morning gallop
The cheerful trainer outran his horses in their morning gallop but insists that this year’s crop is his ‘best intake ever’.
The obese handler said: “I know what you’re thinking: if a fat b*stard like me can jog past them, what chance have they got? But that shows you how bad some of my old horses were. Hopefully we might get a place – one day.”
“I admit I’ve got shire horses faster than this lot and their idea of going flat out is one of those bumpers where they walk for the first 2 furlongs. We have no prospects of a win whatsoever but the owners keep sending me cash. It’s fantastic.”
Horse, Timmy Tracksuit said: “A good day for us is a 6 minute walk around the yard, 20 hours sleep, and six bales of hay followed by a massive shit in Alf’s garden.”
“If poor Alf wants to put himself through that exercise bullshit, that’s fine but don’t expect any movement from us.”
Stablemate Jimmy Jumpsuit says: “Alf takes the piss: have you seen how high those fences are? I can’t be arsed to run*yawns or canter, or trot – my quarters are aching just thinking about it.”
“He takes us to the seaside for a paddle, which is nice but *shuts eyes…sorry I nodded off – fish and chips please.”
Shire horse Percy Pantsuit said: “Stick that saddle on me Alf; I’m coming out of retirement. I’ll show these millennial twats.”
Don’t Miss
How to Deal with Losing Runs
Bookmakers Setting up on Mars
Nutter who smashed up shops puzzled by ban
Ricky Tibbs Website – The Professional Layabout
Bookmakers’ coronavirus advice: “keep losing, or else”
1 DAY with no beaten favourites makes bookmaker EXPLODE in giant fireball
