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Bookmakers shoot down in-running drones with rocket launchers

Bookmakers shoot down in-running drones with rocket launchers



Bookmakers have shot down in-running drones with rocket launchers

Sick of punters getting any financial edge whatsoever, on-course bookmakers have shot their in-running drones down with rocket launchers.

With in-running punters making an average profit of 36 pence after commission for a £25,000 bet from live drones pictures, bookmakers have taken serious umbrage at the ‘immoral, illegal technology’.

Bookmakers shoot down in-running drones with rocket launchers
Bookmakers have shot down drones that give a few in-running punters an edge

 “Show me a punter who’s won three pence with an edge” said Dik Venom from Mugbet “and I’ll blow him up with a bazooka myself. If these scumbags turn up here looking for a win, all I’m saying is that Rambo film didn’t end too well for the mercenaries.”

While this may sound extreme, 1950s independent bookmaker Dick Venom (father to the above) famously shot ‘each way thieves’ in the back with a crossbow.

On-course bookmaker Keith Vim said: “Belt-fed miniguns on the roof can take care of anybody looking to rob our cash; we can annihilate winners before they even get out their cars.”

“If we could just blow up winning punters with Sherman tanks it would save everyone a lot of trouble.”

Punter Gareth Timms said: “I went to collect my non-runner on a Lucky 15 and 5 howitzers from the other side of the track beamed their infrared sights on my chest. I let them keep it.”

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1 Comment

  1. oprolevorter

    2nd December 2019 at 12:28 am

    You have brought up a very fantastic details, thankyou for the post.

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‘Bullsh*t warnings’ on betting blogs have no effect



Bullsh*t warnings on betting blogs have no effect on punters whatsoever

Bullsh*t warnings on trainers’ and jockeys’ betting blogs – such as ‘damage to finance’ and ‘may contain BS’ – do not work.

A study found that trainers’ bookie betting blogs carrying the warnings that they may be dangerous to punters’ finances have absolutely no impact on the consumer whatsoever.

The 1-year analysis from Scutter University looked into caveats displayed on blogs written on behalf of trainers so that bookmakers can profit from promoting false favourites and second favourites with no chance.

While warning gamblers about ‘made up rubbish’, the study found that in 92% of examined cases, punters took absolutely no notice.

Professor Gareth Timms, survey coordinator said: “Punters took absolutely no notice of the warnings, but in their defence the writing was upside down, back to front or in a foreign language in many cases.”

“The need for the blog to display a clear warning no less than 2% of the entire article size meant that it was like trying to read font size 3 – or ‘micropscopic’ writing, often in a pale coloured typeface.”

Maxwell Benson from Mugbet said: “Despite our warnings written in Sanskrit, no one gives a toss – they still enjoy losing money, which suits us fine.”

Worth over £150,000 per year, trainers’ betting blogs are an absolute godsend for high profile yards struggling to scrape by on £3 million per year prize money.

For bookmakers they are a perfect way to obtain photographic and promotional material from equine star sportsmen – and absolutely nothing to do with gaining knowledge of which horses are not ‘off’ from top yards with incredible numbers of beaten favourites or second favourites.

Punter Gareth Timms said: “I’ve read the warnings but the trainer betting blogs are a brilliant way of losing cash. Read them and bet on what it says: you’re guaranteed VIP status in no time!”

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Non-triers and swerving jockeys to spice up virtual racing



virtual racing jockeys

Non-triers, runners taking wrong courses and swerving jockeys will make Virtual racing more realistic.

Virtual racing is to become ‘a more realistic betting product’ by having non-triers, runners that take the wrong course and jockeys who swerve deliberately to hamper fast-finishing horses in behind.

Virtual horses that are nanoseconds from victory will be clattered by other virtual jockeys, ruining winners’ chances – just like in the real world.

The new betting product will include stewards’ enquiries that go on for 3 hours and do nothing to aid the fairness of a race and going descriptions that are deliberately misleading.

Regarded by many punters as ‘cartoons’, virtual racing creators have wracked their brains to provide an ‘ultra-real’ experience.

Punter Gareth Timms has tried out the new betting product: “First bet I had a fiver on the favourite – he disappeared into a ditch.

“Next bet I had £20 on the second favourite – he was winning then a racegoer jumped up and roundhoused the jockey clean off his horse.

“This race here, my horse got hoisted up by an industrial crane just as he was about to cross the line. I’m down £150 so far – it’s f*cking fantastic!”

Really Real Racing

Named “Really Real Racing”, the product is the brainchild of programmer Costas Patsasoglou:

“We went to the races and saw first-hand that the ‘real’ thing was more ridiculous than our made-up rubbish.”

“We’ve programmed a ‘strike’ like in ten-pin bowling so that all horses in the leading group at the end of the race will be knocked out,” Patsasoglou said.

“But don’t worry, no horses will be hurt: they will all get up and be splashed down with water.”

“Some of the jockeys however will be catapulted into space or blown up by exploding fences.”

“Virtual bookmakers will pay trainers and jockeys for reasons none of us know about,” said Patsasoglou.

Winning Too Often

Mugbet’s Keith Vim is very happy with the product: “Just like always, we’ve got our eye on b*stards trying to rob our cash.

“Self-service terminals will randomly refuse payment to customers winning too often,” Vim said.

“The machine will void bets, believing the customer is ‘acting on inside information’ if you collect more than once”

‘Really Real Racing’ is set to roll out in January 2045.

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