Fuming Mugbet has removed coffee machines, papers and chairs from its shops after punter lands 4p win single

Betting giant Mugbet has cancelled all concessions after regular Saturday afternoon punter Gareth Timms backed Jimmy Jumpsuit to win the Grade 2 Scutter Hurdle at 6-4 – netting him a tidy 6p profit.

Despite Mugbet studios telling everyone to bet on the stablemate to the eventual winner – the second favourite, Timmy Tracksuit, who tailed off last – Timms hit them hard with the last of his 4p change.

Mugbet’s Director of Communications, Mrs Claire Simon said: “Due to our heavy loss, all shops will be stripped of goodies.”

“I’m not just talking about 10% or 20% Odds Boosts – but no more coffee, no papers…not even chairs.

 “You f*ckers can stand.”

Mugbet branch manager Sid Creep said: “Ironically, the shop’s been crowded after this new ‘Standing-Room Only’ policy.

“Next step is to remove all betting and charge everyone £1000 for standing in a blank room.”

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Bookies across the UK have been digging up graves of punters who won off them.

Keith Vim from Mugbet has called on bookies everywhere to pick up a spade and dig after rumours circulated that some successful gamblers were taking their winnings to their graves.

“Some call it ‘tomb robbing’ but I like to think of myself as discovering precious artefacts like Indiana Jones or that bloke out The Mummy.”

Graves have been raided for centuries for many reasons including ransom, cannibalism, and medical dissections – but bookmakers admit they just want cash.

“Let’s face it” said Vim “things haven’t been so good since the FOBT reduction last year, so we’re coming up with new ways to increase profits. I wonder if there’s any gold?”

Expired punter Gareth Timms, from beyond the grave said: “Two spivs from the Mugbet ‘body snatching’ department tried to take my entire coffin away to demand a ransom from my family. 

“However, some of the lads here performed a ‘Thriller Zombie’ dance and scared the sh*t out of them – I don’t think they’ll be back any time soon.”

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Regulator says bookmakers who indulge in ‘made-up’ gambles will get a €20 fine and told to ‘stop it’

The gambling watchdog has promised to get tough on bookmakers’ exploitation of the vulnerable by treating fictional gambles – make-believe reports of horses being ‘backed’ or ‘working well’– with a whopping €20 fine and a stiff talking to.

Pretending horses are shortening – from 20-1 into 7-2 for example – bookmakers can extract punters’ money without ever striking a single bet.

Bookmaker Keith Vim said: “Idiots love backing the shortening horses. We call them ‘gambles’ and they earn us a fortune.”

“Without them I couldn’t drive a Bentley, send my kids to private school, or even have bought this gold toilet.”

“You’d think these monster fines would make us behave but we will do f*ck all if everyone wants our cash.”

Although entirely funded from losing bets, the regulator has threatened to ask the bookmakers nicely if they ought to stop the practice.

Gambling watchdog spokeswoman Shelley Craps said: “In addition to the fine, bookmakers flouting the new rule will have a stern letter from us, telling them to stop it.”

“However, our six-figure salaries, mortgages and colossal pensions depend on your lost cash, so we won’t get too angry.”

“Just this week a bookmaker got disapproving look and told they were very naughty, even though they put our letter in the bin.”

Millions are lost on ‘pretend gambles’ every day in the UK and Ireland with bookmakers using their own media outlets in television, in print and on the internet to propagate their made up rubbish.

Spotting the Signs

Striking a compromise, however, the betting watchdog has issued a Safety Pamphlet with all the signs to watch out for in case a full-of-shit bookmaker is trying it on.

Phrases:

• “He’s the one everyone wants to be on”
• “Well backed”
•  “Good money for …”
• “working well”

Practical Advice

• Run a mile if anyone from a betting blog wearing bookmaker coats, pom-pom hats or otherwise tells you, ‘all the money has come for this one’  

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