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Bikini babes to jazz up ‘dead’ betting shops

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New rules for television hosts in betting shops will see female presenters wear a bikini and their male counterparts shirtless with a bow tie to reinvigorate their dead bookie outlets.

Dead betting shops have prompted bosses to launch their latest bikini initiative, following the reduction in maximum stakes on fixed-odds betting terminals and a migration to mainly online business.

“We’ve tried bribing them with stale biscuits, toilet-water coffee and sandwiches we found in the skips,” director of communications Mrs Claire Simon said.

“We’ve even tried offering them a £2 bet when they lose a few thousand, but they’ve all sodded off.”

New rules for television hosts in betting shops will see female presenters wear a bikini and their male counterparts go shirtless with a bow tie to reinvigorate their dead bookie outlets
How betting shop TV presenters will look next year

“Now the gloves – or should I say, the clothes – are off.”

“Our female staff will wear a bikini, the lads will have swimming trunks and a bow tie. Although, they can swap with each other if they want” Mrs Simon said.

 The presenters’ sentiments were mixed:

“I’m not looking forward to the Christmas Hurdle” said a betting TV stalwart who wished to remain anonymous. 

This publication spoke to a group of punters in Hounslow. Vince Bibby, 69, unemployed, said:

“I can’t tell the difference. None of them had any proper clothes on to begin with.”

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Betting Shops

Punter flummoxed by friendly betting shop staff

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punter flummoxed by friendly betting shop staff

A punter was totally baffled when a friendly betting shop staff member said “hello”.

When unemployed dog punter Gareth Timms, 49, visited his local Mugbet betting shop, a pleasant, friendly member of staff greeted him with a smile.

“I nearly sh*t myself” said the dumbfounded Timms. “I went to the bookies to have a look at the Peterborough dog cards and the young lass behind the counter looked up and smiled.

‘Hello’ she said.”

“I asked if she wanted to check if I was stealing the Racing Post? Or was I going to pinch the free biscuits and sh*tty coffee? She just said ‘lovely day isn’t it’.”

“I very nearly spontaneously human combusted!”

Man scoops jackpot after putting cheese slices into roulette machine

Keith Vim, Mugbet’s retail spokesman said: “While our industry thrives on scowling and treating punters with the contempt they deserve there will sadly be some exceptions.”

“The young lady was new but soon she’ll be smoking at the counter, telling punters to f*ck off and accusing them of being on the dole – and asking if she can go home early.”

“If she does end up serving them, she will do so with a hot dog in one hand and a Cornetto in the other. They will f*cking wait till she’s finished eating them.”

This publication spoke to the pleasant cashier in question, Shelley Craps:

“I was just being nice, but apparently I’ll be hating every single one them in a few days.”

“My manager told me try to feel good about paying my mortgage off from these sad losers bets that have gone down, and gave me advice for how to treat winners.”

“This pamphlet ‘Dealing with Vermin’ is a big help.”

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Betting

Mystery deepens as ‘bookie-runner’ dog disappears with cash

Missing for three days, St Bernard Gareth Timms’ time-stamp machine was found in a ditch

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Mystery deepens as 'bookie-runner' St Bernard dog Gareth Timms disappears with cash

The disappearance of ‘bookie-runner’ St Bernard dog Gareth Timms has made him chief suspect in Mugbet’s missing cash saga

The mystery over Mugbet’s lost revenues deepened last night after fears their bookie dog ‘runner’ disappeared with all the cash.

Gareth Timms an 8-year old St Bernard dog worked circulating local pubs and bingo halls taking bets from customers.

Instead of a brandy neck cask, Gareth Timms came equipped with a time stamp machine so punters could verify their own bets.

However, Gareth had not been seen for three days after his scheduled ‘check in’ and despite extensive searches only his time-stamp machine could be found in a ditch.

Mugbet’s Keith Vim said: “Please, if anyone’s seen our lovely big brown bag of cash please return it to us asap.”

Punter Alf Archer said: “The St Bernard dog with the old bus conductor’s ticket machine? One year we had 8 feet of snow and no electricity, but he dug us out and took bets. I hope he’s OK.”

Speaking to this publication, Gareth Timms said: “I’ve saved up and I’ve got enough here to retire in a Swiss Chalet. If I see another each way Round f*cking Robin I’ll bite someone.”

“My golden years won’t be filled rescuing dickhead travellers who’ve gone astray, topping them up with a stiff drink, nosiree.”

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