New rules for television hosts in betting shops will see female presenters wear a bikini and their male counterparts shirtless with a bow tie to reinvigorate their dead bookie outlets.
Dead betting shops have prompted bosses to launch their latest bikini initiative, following the reduction in maximum stakes on fixed-odds betting terminals and a migration to mainly online business.
“We’ve tried bribing them with stale biscuits, toilet-water coffee and sandwiches we found in the skips,” director of communications Mrs Claire Simon said.
“We’ve even tried offering them a £2 bet when they lose a few thousand, but they’ve all sodded off.”
“Now the gloves – or should I say, the clothes – are off.”
“Our female staff will wear a bikini, the lads will have swimming trunks and a bow tie. Although, they can swap with each other if they want” Mrs Simon said.
The presenters’ sentiments were mixed:
“I’m not looking forward to the Christmas Hurdle” said a betting TV stalwart who wished to remain anonymous.
This publication spoke to a group of punters in Hounslow. Vince Bibby, 69, unemployed, said:
“I can’t tell the difference. None of them had any proper clothes on to begin with.”
1 DAY with no beaten favourites makes bookmaker EXPLODE in giant fireball
Spontaneous human combustion to blame after manager explodes in giant fireball following 1 day with no beaten favourites due to coronavirus shop closure.
Police have cordoned off Mugbet’s Gravesend outlet after betting shop manager Keith Vim went into spontaneous human combustion and blew up the building.
Closed due to the coronavirus outbreak, it is thought the betting shop manager was engulfed in a giant fireball after going 24 hours with no punters to rip off or any beaten favourites to lay.
No one was hurt after the blast ripped through the shop’s television gantry, ATM machine and BAGs cards, but self-service betting terminals were beyond repair.
Mugbet’s Dik Venom said: “All that remained of Keith was a steaming pile of ash where he once sat. But don’t worry, you can still bet by post.”
Examining Vim’s burned-to-a-cinder remains, scientists quickly studied the material and made a shocking discovery.
Identifying a weakness in bookmaker DNA, the research confirms the team’s belief that Bookmakers are genetically different to other human beings.
Professor of genomics at Scutter University, Dr. Gareth Timms said:
“Bookmakers’ genetics are completely stable for up to 24 hours as long as there is a steady flow of opportunities to cheat, pay off authorities, or con people out of money.
“However, their Mitochondria explode violently after just 24 hours with no exposure to beaten favourites.
“While this discovery is ground breaking, we had better prepare for more explosions up and down the country if this coronavirus closes any more betting shops and prevents them from ripping customers off for much longer.”
Bookmaker fuming after losing 6p
Fuming Mugbet has removed coffee machines, papers and chairs from its shops after punter lands 4p win single
Betting giant Mugbet has cancelled all concessions after regular Saturday afternoon punter Gareth Timms backed Jimmy Jumpsuit to win the Grade 2 Scutter Hurdle at 6-4 – netting him a tidy 6p profit.
Despite Mugbet studios telling everyone to bet on the stablemate to the eventual winner – the second favourite, Timmy Tracksuit, who tailed off last – Timms hit them hard with the last of his 4p change.
Mugbet’s Director of Communications, Mrs Claire Simon said: “Due to our heavy loss, all shops will be stripped of goodies.”
“I’m not just talking about 10% or 20% Odds Boosts – but no more coffee, no papers…not even chairs.
“You f*ckers can stand.”
Mugbet branch manager Sid Creep said: “Ironically, the shop’s been crowded after this new ‘Standing-Room Only’ policy.
“Next step is to remove all betting and charge everyone £1000 for standing in a blank room.”
Pawnbroker bookies lets you gamble with socks and underpants
A new Pawnbroker Betting Shop allows punters to bet with their clothes, vehicles or pets.
Lucky Gravesend gamblers can now pop into Mugbet’s new pawnbroker-style betting shop, swap their clothes, vehicles, or pets for a loan to the equivalent collateral – then place a BET.
With any material goods as a form of currency, the new Cashless service mixes a traditional pawnbroker with a betting shop.
“We’ll take anything,” says manager Keith Vim. “…car exhausts, socks & underpants, photographs of deceased relatives, your children’s artwork – you name it.”
If the loan is repaid in the contractually agreed timeframe – typically 1 hour – the item may be repurchased at its initial price plus interest.
Shirt Off Your Back
“You know what it’s like: you’ve done your bollocks, you’ve got no cash and there’s a dead cert running in the next. Your mate won’t give you any cash because he’s skint too.
“Write your bet out as normal and head down to the Goods Exchange Window. We’ll literally have the shirt off your back – with commission on top.”
“What’s more exhilarating than knowing you’ll have to walk home stark naked if you lose?”
Winning punters do not have to accept cash on a successful bet, but instead can go home with someone else’s ‘lost’ goods.
Punter Gareth Timms, who experienced the new style pawnbroker bookies, said:
“I gave them the keys to my ice cream van and left with a bag of potatoes.”
“I wanted the ‘reconditioned fridge’, which, to me, looked suspiciously like a wardrobe.”
Harry Bore, bookmaking Mugbet spokesman said: “Business is going well: some bloke had a bad day on the roulette machines, so he traded in his German shepherd. Say hello to Collin! He loves it here don’t you boy?”
“Please can I go home?” barked Collin.