Betting Shops

Betting shop obliterated by chimp

Published

4 months ago

15th August 2019

A Lincolnshire betting shop was obliterated by a chimp early yesterday morning.

Situated just outside the Lincoln zoo gates, the betting shop was completely obliterated by a chimp known locally as ‘Dave’ who escaped his quarters.

In a scene resembling Planet of the Apes, Dave managed to flee his enclosure during morning feeding time.

The incident happened after two zoo visitors opened the cage wide while the primate’s keeper was giving him his breakfast.

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With its self-service machines tipped over, its windows shattered and its fixed odds betting terminals smashed with a metal chair, only rubble remained of the former betting emporium.

‘Dave’ caused an estimated £200,000 in damages to the shop fittings.

Steve Perterton, an eyewitness said:

“You could see him running for the ice cream van outside the zoo gates, but then he stopped and ‘declared war’ on the betting shop.”

The shop was completely obliterated by local chimp 'Dave', with self-service machines tipped over, glass shattered and fixed odds betting terminals smashed with a metal chair. — The remains of a Lincoln betting shop, completely obliterated by a chimp known locally as ‘Dave’.

“I know he must have had it in for the bookies because he ripped all the TVs off the walls and threw a dustbin at the manager before having a big sh*t in the seating area.”

Manager Sid Creep, 32, said:

“He smoked all my fags then put his middle finger up at the CCTV before walking calmly out the door.”

“He seemed to know what he was doing.”

A zoo spokesman said:

“Fortunately Dave knows the area well and returned to his cage after soon after his little morning japes.”

“It’s a good job nobody goes in betting shops these days or someone could have been really hurt.”

This publication caught up with ‘Dave’:

“I’m f*cked now if I want to get on the early prices”

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Tony Titt

Betting and Gaming Editor

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Betting Shops

Punter flummoxed by friendly betting shop staff

Published

1 month ago

30th October 2019

Tony Titt

punter flummoxed by friendly betting shop staff

A punter was totally baffled when a friendly betting shop staff member said “hello”.

When unemployed dog punter Gareth Timms, 49, visited his local Mugbet betting shop, a pleasant, friendly member of staff greeted him with a smile.

“I nearly sh*t myself” said the dumbfounded Timms. “I went to the bookies to have a look at the Peterborough dog cards and the young lass behind the counter looked up and smiled.

‘Hello’ she said.”

“I asked if she wanted to check if I was stealing the Racing Post? Or was I going to pinch the free biscuits and sh*tty coffee? She just said ‘lovely day isn’t it’.”

“I very nearly spontaneously human combusted!”

Man scoops jackpot after putting cheese slices into roulette machine

Keith Vim, Mugbet’s retail spokesman said: “While our industry thrives on scowling and treating punters with the contempt they deserve there will sadly be some exceptions.”

“The young lady was new but soon she’ll be smoking at the counter, telling punters to f*ck off and accusing them of being on the dole – and asking if she can go home early.”

“If she does end up serving them, she will do so with a hot dog in one hand and a Cornetto in the other. They will f*cking wait till she’s finished eating them.”

This publication spoke to the pleasant cashier in question, Shelley Craps:

“I was just being nice, but apparently I’ll be hating every single one them in a few days.”

“My manager told me try to feel good about paying my mortgage off from these sad losers bets that have gone down, and gave me advice for how to treat winners.”

“This pamphlet ‘Dealing with Vermin’ is a big help.”

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Betting

Mystery deepens as ‘bookie-runner’ dog disappears with cash

Missing for three days, St Bernard Gareth Timms’ time-stamp machine was found in a ditch

Published

2 months ago

22nd October 2019

Desdemona Phelps

Mystery deepens as 'bookie-runner' St Bernard dog Gareth Timms disappears with cash

The disappearance of ‘bookie-runner’ St Bernard dog Gareth Timms has made him chief suspect in Mugbet’s missing cash saga

The mystery over Mugbet’s lost revenues deepened last night after fears their bookie dog ‘runner’ disappeared with all the cash.

Gareth Timms an 8-year old St Bernard dog worked circulating local pubs and bingo halls taking bets from customers.

Instead of a brandy neck cask, Gareth Timms came equipped with a time stamp machine so punters could verify their own bets.

However, Gareth had not been seen for three days after his scheduled ‘check in’ and despite extensive searches only his time-stamp machine could be found in a ditch.

Mugbet’s Keith Vim said: “Please, if anyone’s seen our lovely big brown bag of cash please return it to us asap.”

Punter Alf Archer said: “The St Bernard dog with the old bus conductor’s ticket machine? One year we had 8 feet of snow and no electricity, but he dug us out and took bets. I hope he’s OK.”

Speaking to this publication, Gareth Timms said: “I’ve saved up and I’ve got enough here to retire in a Swiss Chalet. If I see another each way Round f*cking Robin I’ll bite someone.”

“My golden years won’t be filled rescuing dickhead travellers who’ve gone astray, topping them up with a stiff drink, nosiree.”