Stewards

Stewarding job only open to bellends

Published

1 year ago

17th July 2020

Bellend now essential characteristic for stewarding job

New rules mean only bellends can apply for jobs as stewards.

Stewards at Scutter Park are the first racecourse in the UK to make being an absolute bellend a pre-requisite for gaining employment.

Chief Steward Gavin Nutter said: “We’re all bellends here. In the old days, being a bellend was a ‘desired’ characteristic, but now we’ve re-written the staff handbook making it ‘essential’.

Deal Clincher

“Getting a fully-formed bellend is a deal clincher these days because they won’t need any training to hand out 1-day bans for attempted murder, or call a dead-heat on anything over 1/1000^th of a pixel.”

According to insiders, all new job applicants must pass an obligatory ‘bellend questionnaire’ before even gaining an interview.

Bellend now essential characteristic for stewarding job

Questions leaked to The Scutter include:

‘It’s the last race on the card; do you hold an enquiry lasting 55 minutes when everyone wants to go home?

(yes / yes of course)

‘What is the ban for a jockey causing his or her mount veer sideways from stall 34 to stall 1, almost killing everyone in the process?

(no ban / ride of the week)

‘An unknown apprentice wins a race. Do you pick on him/her to teach them a lesson?

(yes, disqualify / no, but duff them up anyway)

What should you do when a gambling stable wins a race?

(Were you part of the gamble? yes = leave the result, but disqualify if you backed the 2^nd / no other option)

Job applicant Gareth Timms said: “When I said someone will get hurt if we don’t crack down on rough race riding, they all laughed.

“I’ve got all the family connections and the vocational qualifications, but I failed the essential bellend test, so Poundland have offered me a job instead.”