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Jump card off as BADGERS chomp through fences

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Jump card off as BADGERS chomp through fences
Rabid badgers have eaten through Scutter Park’s 12 fences overnight, forcing the three day meeting to close.

This year’s three day festival at Scutter Park – named the ‘outhouse in jump racing’s garden’ – has been abandoned after badgers munched through all the birch fences.

An initial check of the course revealed all the hurdles intact, but, to ground staff’s horror, the chase course was missing every one of its twelve fences.

Baffled to find all fences vanished, clerk of the course Tarquin Bibby was almost in tears as he performed his routine 6 am inspection.

Bibby said: “At first we thought it was aliens, or some elaborate thieves – but then we noticed a troupe of bloated, passed-out badgers sleeping in the regulation ditch.

Jump card off as BADGERS chomp through fences
Rabid badgers have eaten through Scutter Park’s 12 fences overnight, forcing the three day meeting to close.

“We have terrible problems with badgers: we laughed when we found my assistant clerk bound and gagged in the woods in an old sett. Since then I’ve had my car tyres slashed, my ignition cord cut and my engine sabotaged.

“They have an immense network and are always one step ahead of us: they’re basically criminal masterminds.”

Badger, Gareth Timms said: “That Bovine TB badger cull in 2013 wiped out all my friends and family. We’re not even yet.”

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Bookmakers

Grandad who ran over bookmaker with MOBILITY SCOOTER spared jail

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Grandad who ran over bookmaker with MOBILITY SCOOTER spared jail
A man who used his souped up mobility scooter to ‘battering ram’ a racecourse bookmaker has walked free. 

Using his mobility scooter as a battering ram, Tarquin Bibby, 89, drove over racecourse bookie Dik Venom in a fit of rage.

Fitted with Nitrous Oxide, the extensively modified scooter could reach speeds of up to 70 mph – way above the legal limit of 4mph on a pavement.

Bibby claimed the assault was ‘an accident’ but race course witnesses said the pensioner went ‘f*cking mental’ – ploughing into the bookmaker after a disagreement over a price.

With a £1 bet on Jimmy Jumpsuit at odds of 2-1, the 80% deaf former WW2 veteran believed he had actually been given 200-1.

Expecting a £201 return, Bibby collected a paltry £3 from the Mugbet representative at Perth racecourse last July.

Shouting and swearing, the former WW2 pilot reversed 50 yards then charged at the bookmaker’s pitch.

Fast & Furious Grandad

The judge described Bibby’s motorized wheelchair as “something out of a Fast and Furious film”.

With a an acceleration rate of 0 to 60 mph in 6 seconds, the OAP ‘truck’ was even faster than a Ford Fiesta.

Fitted with Nitrous Oxide, the extensively modified scooter could reach speeds of up to 70 mph – way above the legal limit of 4mph on a pavement.

Bibby was given a suspended sentence at Perth Sheriff Court House on August 12 for 6 months, fined £20,564.25 and banned from driving for 18 months.

Sentencing fiscal depute William Tupe said: “This was an act of malevolent evil for which an 8 year minimum in custody would be fitting. However I have lost tons of cash to Mugbet so a 6 month suspended sentence till after Goodwood is appropriate”.

Venom said: “This old nutter drove at me like a rocket, smashing up the pitch – wheel spinning over my head.”

Miraculously, Venom sustained no long term injuries.

“I was able to lay the remaining six beaten favourites,” Venom said.

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Bookmakers

Racing called off as floodlights go OUT on Bookmaker logos

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Racing called off as floodlights go OUT on Bookmaker logos
Furious betting chiefs pulled the plug on racing last night after Scutter Park’s power failure left bookmaker logos unilluminated.

Betting giant Mugbet was incensed with rage after a power failure left its two thousand bookmaker logos in the dark along the home straight at Scutter Park racecourse.

While it was light enough to run the race Mugbet prevented any racing from going ahead unless their “Where the Nation PAYS” betting banners were fully lit up.

Additionally, the lack of power meant Mugbet’s popular effigy of a dead, crucified punter was unable to be hoisted up.

Jockey Tarquin Bibby said: “All the jockeys had made the full Sign of the Cross before the Mugbet logo in the weighing room using holy water.

“We were all set to receive our riding instructions from the bookmakers in the paddock, but then Keith [Vim, Mugbet’s head of Communications] told us all to get back in and say nothing.”

Trainer Alf Archer said: “None of the horses could have raced anyway as they’d walked 250 miles around the parade ring waiting for an announcement.”

Mugbet spokesman, Dik Venom said: “I don’t care how many circles the stable boys walked or whether these horses travelled up from Timbuctoo, you’d better get our logo on every inch of that straight lit up or we’re closing this place down.

“As punishment, senior racecourse executives will wear high-vis Mugbet jackets like the golf sale ad men on Regent Street and be paraded in just their underpants. Mugbet underpants.”

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Racecourses

Abandoning waterlogged meeting ‘for wimps’ says crazy b*stard manager

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Scutter Park’s general manager has blasted calls to abandon the waterlogged meeting as ‘wimpish bullsh*t’

Scutter Park’s general manager has blasted calls to abandon the waterlogged meeting as ‘wimpish bullsh*t’

While basking sharks are swimming upsides the grandstand windows, Scutter Park’s general manager – former army Captain Gareth Timms – has slammed those calling for an abandoning the waterlogged meeting as a load of ‘f*cking wimps’.

“I’m sitting in a 3 foot stream of water in my office. It’s up to my waist and I’m wearing shorts and a snorkel.”

“Get your swimming trunks on and get those f*cking horses on that track,” yelled Captain Timms.

Trainer Maxwell Benson, who had declared runners at today’s meeting, said: “It’s the end of the world – the Great Deluge has arrived, but that crazy bastard Timms told us racing goes ahead because horses can swim.”

“The racecourse management team put it down to him being a hard, ex-army leader, but I put it down to him being a f*cking lunatic.”

Chestnut gelding Jimmy Jumpsuit, last year’s Scutter Novices’ Hurdle winner said: “We have stacks of fun splashing around.”

“My dream job is at one of those water parks, giving the nod to swimmers going down the slides – let’s race damn it!”

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