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Area 51 to host Secret UK Barrier Trials

Only Area 51 guards, aliens living on the complex and bookmakers will be privy to the hushed-up UK ‘training races’.

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Bookmakers have decided a top secret facility in Area 51 will host UK Barrier Trials

UK Barrier Trials are so top secret they will now take place at the bookmaker’s facility in the highly classified US Air Force base located within the Nevada Test and Training Range.

Only Area 51 guards, aliens living on the complex and bookmakers will be privy to the hushed-up UK ‘training races’.

Area 51 Guard, Tarquin Bibby said: “While New Zeeland, Australia and Hong Kong Barrier Trials are documented, filmed and made accessible to the public, and where South African runners have Barrier Trials listed in their race form, we’re not able to confirm or deny the existence of UK Barrier trials.”

Recent Barrier Trial winner 2-year old Jimmy Jumpsuit said: “Things are top secret round here, but all I can tell you is we get flown 80 miles North West of Las Vegas and driven to a compound labelled ‘Bookmakers Only Beyond This Point’.”

“The little grey men with massive heads and black eyes take their orders from spivs in trilbies. They told me if I talk to you about my Barrier Trial win, they’d geld me with a laser cannon.”

Area 51 to host Secret UK Barrier Trials
UK Barrier Trials are so top secret they will now take place at the bookmaker’s facility in the highly classified Area 51 base

Grey Alien Gareth Timms said: “Look mate, I’d love to tell you more but the bookmakers in charge threatened to chop off my spindly limbs if I gave you any tips.”

“All these flying saucers are just to distract people away from the Barrier Trials and prevent you lot knowing anything about those souped-up first-time-out winners.”

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Bookmakers

Bookmakers face €20 fines for ‘made up gambles’

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bookmakers who indulge in ‘made-up’ gambles will get a €20 fine and told to ‘stop it’
Regulator says bookmakers who indulge in ‘made-up’ gambles will get a 20 fine and told to ‘stop it’

The gambling watchdog has promised to get tough on bookmakers’ exploitation of the vulnerable by treating fictional gambles – make-believe reports of horses being ‘backed’ or ‘working well’– with a whopping €20 fine and a stiff talking to.

Pretending horses are shortening – from 20-1 into 7-2 for example – bookmakers can extract punters’ money without ever striking a single bet.

Bookmaker Keith Vim said: “Idiots love backing the shortening horses. We call them ‘gambles’ and they earn us a fortune.”

“Without them I couldn’t drive a Bentley, send my kids to private school, or even have bought this gold toilet.”

“You’d think these monster fines would make us behave but we will do f*ck all if everyone wants our cash.”

Although entirely funded from losing bets, the regulator has threatened to ask the bookmakers nicely if they ought to stop the practice.

Gambling watchdog spokeswoman Shelley Craps said: “In addition to the fine, bookmakers flouting the new rule will have a stern letter from us, telling them to stop it.”

“However, our six-figure salaries, mortgages and colossal pensions depend on your lost cash, so we won’t get too angry.”

“Just this week a bookmaker got disapproving look and told they were very naughty, even though they put our letter in the bin.”

Millions are lost on ‘pretend gambles’ every day in the UK and Ireland with bookmakers using their own media outlets in television, in print and on the internet to propagate their made up rubbish.

Spotting the Signs

Striking a compromise, however, the betting watchdog has issued a Safety Pamphlet with all the signs to watch out for in case a full-of-shit bookmaker is trying it on.

Phrases:
  • “He’s the one everyone wants to be on”
  • “Well backed”
  •  “Good money for …”
  • “working well”
Practical Advice
  • Run a mile if anyone from a betting blog wearing bookmaker coats, pom-pom hats or otherwise tells you, ‘all the money has come for this one’  
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Bookmakers

Bookmaker treats punter they made homeless to WHEELIE BIN

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bookmaker t
Mugbet has kindly donated a wheelie bin to a punter they made homeless.

Punter Gareth Timms, who was made homeless by Mugbet’s endless false favourites, rubbish offers, and rigged slot machines, has had an early Christmas present in the shape of a WHEELIE BIN.

Former panel beater Timms used to have a 6-bedroom Devon town house, but since he started betting with Mugbet he now lives outside their shop in a blue recycling bin.

Timms said: “It’s warm, dry and cosy, but the only downside is once a fortnight a bin lorry takes me down the tip and chucks me in the landfill. I have to hobble back into town, but I’m grateful for the exercise really.

“Thank god for the cuts to services or it could be once a week!”

A spokesman for Mugbet whose slogan is “Where the Nation Pays”, Keith Vim said: “Gareth should be delighted with our kind generosity, giving back to the community and securing him a sturdy home he can love and cherish.

“The fact that we were chucking it out anyway isn’t the point: if he doesn’t like his neighbours he can just wheel himself away.

“As a special treat we’ve chucked in a roll of black bin bags he can use as sheets, but now that he can’t give us any more cash he’s banned from within 6 feet of the door.”

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