Bookmakers
Area 51 to host Secret UK Barrier Trials
Only Area 51 guards, aliens living on the complex and bookmakers will be privy to the hushed-up UK ‘training races’.
Bookmakers have decided a top secret facility in Area 51 will host UK Barrier Trials
UK Barrier Trials are so top secret they will now take place at the bookmaker’s facility in the highly classified US Air Force base located within the Nevada Test and Training Range.
Only Area 51 guards, aliens living on the complex and bookmakers will be privy to the hushed-up UK ‘training races’.
Area 51 Guard, Tarquin Bibby said: “While New Zeeland, Australia and Hong Kong Barrier Trials are documented, filmed and made accessible to the public, and where South African runners have Barrier Trials listed in their race form, we’re not able to confirm or deny the existence of UK Barrier trials.”
Recent Barrier Trial winner 2-year old Jimmy Jumpsuit said: “Things are top secret round here, but all I can tell you is we get flown 80 miles North West of Las Vegas and driven to a compound labelled ‘Bookmakers Only Beyond This Point’.”
“The little grey men with massive heads and black eyes take their orders from spivs in trilbies. They told me if I talk to you about my Barrier Trial win, they’d geld me with a laser cannon.”
Grey Alien Gareth Timms said: “Look mate, I’d love to tell you more but the bookmakers in charge threatened to chop off my spindly limbs if I gave you any tips.”
“All these flying saucers are just to distract people away from the Barrier Trials and prevent you lot knowing anything about those souped-up first-time-out winners.”
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‘Dire consequences will follow unless punters keep losing money betting during the coronavirus lockdown’, bookmaker warns.
Betting giant Mugbet has warned of ‘dire consequences’ unless customers continue to lose cash during the coronavirus lockdown.
Keith Vim, Mugbet spokesman said: “We’ve tried sending our worst tipsters out on dreadful foreign stuff with links to all our Mugbet affiliates.
“We’ve sent generous “lose a grand get 36p” vouchers through the post.
“We’ve even taken the precaution of leaving a few betting slips in with the temperature charts in hospital beds, but no one’s interested.
“If we don’t get our £300 million bonuses, I promise you it’s bad news for you lot.
“When the shops re-open we won’t be offering odds, you won’t get a bet on and we will settle winners as and when we feel like it – if at all.”
Punter Gareth Timms said: “Business as usual then!”
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Spontaneous human combustion to blame after manager explodes in giant fireball following 1 day with no beaten favourites due to coronavirus shop closure.
Police have cordoned off Mugbet’s Gravesend outlet after betting shop manager Keith Vim went into spontaneous human combustion and blew up the building.
Closed due to the coronavirus outbreak, it is thought the betting shop manager was engulfed in a giant fireball after going 24 hours with no punters to rip off or any beaten favourites to lay.
No one was hurt after the blast ripped through the shop’s television gantry, ATM machine and BAGs cards, but self-service betting terminals were beyond repair.
Mugbet’s Dik Venom said: “All that remained of Keith was a steaming pile of ash where he once sat. But don’t worry, you can still bet by post.”
Bookmaking DNA
Examining Vim’s burned-to-a-cinder remains, scientists quickly studied the material and made a shocking discovery.
Identifying a weakness in bookmaker DNA, the research confirms the team’s belief that Bookmakers are genetically different to other human beings.
Professor of genomics at Scutter University, Dr. Gareth Timms said:
“Bookmakers’ genetics are completely stable for up to 24 hours as long as there is a steady flow of opportunities to cheat, pay off authorities, or con people out of money.
“However, their Mitochondria explode violently after just 24 hours with no exposure to beaten favourites.
“While this discovery is ground breaking, we had better prepare for more explosions up and down the country if this coronavirus closes any more betting shops and prevents them from ripping customers off for much longer.”
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1 DAY with no beaten favourites makes bookmaker EXPLODE in giant fireball
Kattehule
24th February 2020 at 1:31 pm
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