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Area 51 to host Secret UK Barrier Trials

Only Area 51 guards, aliens living on the complex and bookmakers will be privy to the hushed-up UK ‘training races’.

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Bookmakers have decided a top secret facility in Area 51 will host UK Barrier Trials

UK Barrier Trials are so top secret they will now take place at the bookmaker’s facility in the highly classified US Air Force base located within the Nevada Test and Training Range.

Only Area 51 guards, aliens living on the complex and bookmakers will be privy to the hushed-up UK ‘training races’.

Area 51 Guard, Tarquin Bibby said: “While New Zeeland, Australia and Hong Kong Barrier Trials are documented, filmed and made accessible to the public, and where South African runners have Barrier Trials listed in their race form, we’re not able to confirm or deny the existence of UK Barrier trials.”

Recent Barrier Trial winner 2-year old Jimmy Jumpsuit said: “Things are top secret round here, but all I can tell you is we get flown 80 miles North West of Las Vegas and driven to a compound labelled ‘Bookmakers Only Beyond This Point’.”

“The little grey men with massive heads and black eyes take their orders from spivs in trilbies. They told me if I talk to you about my Barrier Trial win, they’d geld me with a laser cannon.”

Area 51 to host Secret UK Barrier Trials
UK Barrier Trials are so top secret they will now take place at the bookmaker’s facility in the highly classified Area 51 base

Grey Alien Gareth Timms said: “Look mate, I’d love to tell you more but the bookmakers in charge threatened to chop off my spindly limbs if I gave you any tips.”

“All these flying saucers are just to distract people away from the Barrier Trials and prevent you lot knowing anything about those souped-up first-time-out winners.”

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    8th December 2019 at 5:42 pm

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Betting

‘Bullsh*t warnings’ on betting blogs have no effect

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Bullsh*t warnings on betting blogs have no effect on punters whatsoever

Bullsh*t warnings on trainers’ and jockeys’ betting blogs – such as ‘damage to finance’ and ‘may contain BS’ – do not work.

A study found that trainers’ bookie betting blogs carrying the warnings that they may be dangerous to punters’ finances have absolutely no impact on the consumer whatsoever.

The 1-year analysis from Scutter University looked into caveats displayed on blogs written on behalf of trainers so that bookmakers can profit from promoting false favourites and second favourites with no chance.

While warning gamblers about ‘made up rubbish’, the study found that in 92% of examined cases, punters took absolutely no notice.

Professor Gareth Timms, survey coordinator said: “Punters took absolutely no notice of the warnings, but in their defence the writing was upside down, back to front or in a foreign language in many cases.”

“The need for the blog to display a clear warning no less than 2% of the entire article size meant that it was like trying to read font size 3 – or ‘micropscopic’ writing, often in a pale coloured typeface.”

Maxwell Benson from Mugbet said: “Despite our warnings written in Sanskrit, no one gives a toss – they still enjoy losing money, which suits us fine.”

Worth over £150,000 per year, trainers’ betting blogs are an absolute godsend for high profile yards struggling to scrape by on £3 million per year prize money.

For bookmakers they are a perfect way to obtain photographic and promotional material from equine star sportsmen – and absolutely nothing to do with gaining knowledge of which horses are not ‘off’ from top yards with incredible numbers of beaten favourites or second favourites.

Punter Gareth Timms said: “I’ve read the warnings but the trainer betting blogs are a brilliant way of losing cash. Read them and bet on what it says: you’re guaranteed VIP status in no time!”

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Bookmakers

First Bookmaker Guillotined

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First bookmaker executed guillotined in 1794

France’s first bookmaker was guillotined on this day in 1794 for his barbaric treatment of peasants

The 21st November 1794 saw France’s first bookmaker, Aristocrat Garett-Palombes de Timmes de Salignac, Duc de la Scutteur de Chambonais, guillotined by revolutionaries for his barbaric treatment of peasants and racegoers.

Nicknamed ‘Le F*cking Bastard’ de Timmes was the original bookmaker, pretending the horses he owned were well-backed but ensuring a huge profit from losing match races.

Managing to escape the first round of aristocratic executions, de Timmes was a native of the Vendée region, a place the Revolution reached with little enthusiasm.

De Timmes accumulated enormous gambling debts playing Pétanque, owing 20,767 Livres Tournois (£158K today) shortly before the Revolution of 1789.

Owning large swathes of farmland across the départements of Loire-Inférieure (Loire-Atlantique), Maine-et-Loire, Deux-Sèvres, and the Vendée, Garett de Timmes was despised in perpetuity as much as during his own life time.

Peasant Shooter

Known for his barbaric treatment of his agricultural workers and incalculable greed, de Timmes was the proud inventor of Tir au Paysannes, a human variant of clay pigeon shooting.

Played with peasants, de Timmes would force two of his employees to sprint across the soft soil vegetable patches and take pot shots at them with a Charleville Musket.

Threatening them with dismissal, de Timmes shot them anyway if they refused.

‘Le Fixeur’

To avoid bankruptcy De Timmes had horse racing to fall back on. As an owner-breeder with over 200 horses in training, De Timmes took to ‘fixing’ his match races.

Talking up the chances of his own runners De Timmes’ horses were very popular bets on all known form and appearance – to which he would lay enormous liabilities through his betting agents.

If his horse won, de Timmes would lose considerably. However the ‘butcher’ ensured this would never happen.

With a win looking almost certainly guaranteed, race day punters – a mixture of aristocrats, peasants and clergy – believed all they had to do was gallop down and come back, but de Timmes had other plans.

Instructing his jockeys (usually a servant in his employment) to fall off on the far end of a racecourse, De Timmes engineered the race so that a win for his horse never happened.

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If the riders failed to fall off, marksmen positioned in trees would shoot them off. Occasionally, De Timmes would shoot them anyway even if they had executed his plan to the letter.

Execution

His downfall came after suspicious Republican forces wondered why all of his beaten favourites had so many skilled riders fall off, make mistakes, take the wrong course, give their runners far too much to do, change the horses strides, or fail to ride to with an ounce of credibility.

De Timmes was finally put to death by Guillotine after peasant leaders Jacques Cathelineau, Gaston Bourdic, and Jean-Nicolas Stofflet had backed de Timmes’ runner Le Confit – a classic winner – on the advice of her bookmaker-owner.

Striding out 40 lengths clear, Le Confit looked sure to land the prize for raceday punters who had backed her at odds of 16-90. However, 30 yards before the line jockey Everard Bouger jumped off and shot himself in the foot.

A riot quickly ensued and de Timmes was taken prisoner by the revolutionaries.

Following execution by guillotine, agents of the Republic and counter revolutionaries alike played football with de Timmes’ head in a celebration match lasting 90 minutes.

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