New adverts NOT showing PPI, payday loans or funerals have caused meltdown among racing fans
Gareth Timms’ blew a fuse over wholesome racing channel adverts that didn’t exhibit any PPI claims, payday loans or funerals when he watched the first from Fontwell.
”What the f*cks going on? I love that Gladstone Brookes jingle – it’s my fave. And where’s the Claims Guys, and Carol Vorderman telling me to unlock my home equity so I can punt it all away down Ladbrokes? My afternoon’s wrecked!”
Stay-at-home gambler Alf Archer said: “Old man on a bicycle picking up a teddy bear for his grandson? Squirrel in the woods gathering nuts for his family? What’s the world coming to? What kind of sh*t is this?”
“Where’s wonga man blowing all his cash on Trap 6? Or the old geezer re-mortgaging his home to play roulette? My Jobseekers money is paying for all this sh*t!”
Tarquin Bibby, Head of Advertising and Marketing said: “We’ve always treated racing channel subscribers as a despised minority – cash-strapped pensioners with one foot in the grave whose heaters blew up on a weekly basis.”
“It’s time to give them some respect: no more ambulance chasing solicitors, shady car dealerships or nutty bingo apps.”
“Our next move is to get the live afternoon racing switched off so viewers can spend time with their families and do more face-to-face social interaction, or play board games.”
Man sacked for shouting ‘COME ON!’ at computer screen
“Betting had nowt to do with it,” says call centre worker sacked for shouting ‘COME ON’ at computer screen.
Sacked Gareth Timms explained that screaming ‘come on!’ at his work screen and repeatedly pressing ‘refresh’ was about the loading speed of his slow computer – and ‘f*ck all to do with betting.’
Timms could not, however, explain CCTV footage of him shouting ‘get in there my son’ or smashing a keyboard against a concrete pillar while cursing ‘useless jockey’.
He was also unable to clarify why, on a separate occasion, he ran around the office waving his finger celebrating as if he had scored a winning goal in the FA cup final.
Sequestering his betting accounts, human resource manager Ruth Crapper said:
“We’ve tallied up his wins and losses with his work call logs: he was excessively nice after a big win but would get violently angry with callers when he lost.”
Customer, Alf Archer said: “I called up to send a fridge back and this nutter threatened to KILL me. I decided to keep it in the end – it still doesn’t work.”
Co-worker Tarquin Bibby said: “One day Gareth came in driving a new Audi. He said he’d saved up – and that the hundreds of pounds the entire office gave him every week intended for the Euro Millions for the last couple of years, was totally unconnected.”
Absent During Cheltenham
Timms’ catalogue of absences coincided perfectly with Cheltenham, the Randox Health Grand National, the Scottish Grand National, the Craven Meeting, the Guineas, the Dante, Royal Ascot, the Punchestown festival, the Killarney festival, the Galway Festival, the Listowel festival, and the St Leger Meeting.
“It was easier to say when Gareth was at work,” Crapper said.
At his first disciplinary Timms said he was absent a lot because he just ‘couldn’t shake off a persistent cold’, yet he was seen smoking cigars and drinking beers on ITV Racing at York.
“Timms said: “That’s my twin brother, er, Mike. He’s very shy and that’s why no one’s ever met him.”
“Just a minute…get in there Frankie!”
Grandad who ran over bookmaker with MOBILITY SCOOTER spared jail
A man who used his souped up mobility scooter to ‘battering ram’ a racecourse bookmaker has walked free.
Using his mobility scooter as a battering ram, Tarquin Bibby, 89, drove over racecourse bookie Dik Venom in a fit of rage.
Fitted with Nitrous Oxide, the extensively modified scooter could reach speeds of up to 70 mph – way above the legal limit of 4mph on a pavement.
Bibby claimed the assault was ‘an accident’ but race course witnesses said the pensioner went ‘f*cking mental’ – ploughing into the bookmaker after a disagreement over a price.
With a £1 bet on Jimmy Jumpsuit at odds of 2-1, the 80% deaf former WW2 veteran believed he had actually been given 200-1.
Expecting a £201 return, Bibby collected a paltry £3 from the Mugbet representative at Perth racecourse last July.
Shouting and swearing, the former WW2 pilot reversed 50 yards then charged at the bookmaker’s pitch.
Fast & Furious Grandad
The judge described Bibby’s motorized wheelchair as “something out of a Fast and Furious film”.
With a an acceleration rate of 0 to 60 mph in 6 seconds, the OAP ‘truck’ was even faster than a Ford Fiesta.
Bibby was given a suspended sentence at Perth Sheriff Court House on August 12 for 6 months, fined £20,564.25 and banned from driving for 18 months.
Sentencing fiscal depute William Tupe said: “This was an act of malevolent evil for which an 8 year minimum in custody would be fitting. However I have lost tons of cash to Mugbet so a 6 month suspended sentence till after Goodwood is appropriate”.
Venom said: “This old nutter drove at me like a rocket, smashing up the pitch – wheel spinning over my head.”
Miraculously, Venom sustained no long term injuries.
“I was able to lay the remaining six beaten favourites,” Venom said.
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Bookies dig up GRAVES of dead winning punters
Bookies across the UK have been digging up graves of punters who won off them.
Keith Vim from Mugbet has called on bookies everywhere to pick up a spade and dig after rumours circulated that some successful gamblers were taking their winnings to their graves.
“Some call it ‘tomb robbing’ but I like to think of myself as discovering precious artefacts like Indiana Jones or that bloke out The Mummy.”
Graves have been raided for centuries for many reasons including ransom, cannibalism, and medical dissections – but bookmakers admit they just want cash.
“Let’s face it” said Vim “things haven’t been so good since the FOBT reduction last year, so we’re coming up with new ways to increase profits. I wonder if there’s any gold?”
Expired punter Gareth Timms, from beyond the grave said: “Two spivs from the Mugbet ‘body snatching’ department tried to take my entire coffin away to demand a ransom from my family.
“However, some of the lads here performed a ‘Thriller Zombie’ dance and scared the sh*t out of them – I don’t think they’ll be back any time soon.”