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Punters

Racing fans baffled over adverts NOT showing payday loans or funerals

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New adverts NOT showing PPI, payday loans or funerals have caused meltdown among racing fans

Gareth Timms’ blew a fuse over wholesome racing channel adverts that didn’t exhibit any PPI claims, payday loans or funerals when he watched the first from Fontwell.

”What the f*cks going on? I love that Gladstone Brookes jingle – it’s my fave. And where’s the Claims Guys, and Carol Vorderman telling me to unlock my home equity so I can punt it all away down Ladbrokes? My afternoon’s wrecked!”

Stay-at-home gambler Alf Archer said: “Old man on a bicycle picking up a teddy bear for his grandson? Squirrel in the woods gathering nuts for his family? What’s the world coming to? What kind of sh*t is this?”

“Where’s wonga man blowing all his cash on Trap 6? Or the old geezer re-mortgaging his home to play roulette? My Jobseekers money is paying for all this sh*t!”

Tarquin Bibby, Head of Advertising and Marketing said: “We’ve always treated racing channel subscribers as a despised minority – cash-strapped pensioners with one foot in the grave whose heaters blew up on a weekly basis.”

“It’s time to give them some respect: no more ambulance chasing solicitors, shady car dealerships or nutty bingo apps.”

“Our next move is to get the live afternoon racing switched off so viewers can spend time with their families and do more face-to-face social interaction, or play board games.”

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Bookmakers

Bookmaker treats punter they made homeless to WHEELIE BIN

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Mugbet has kindly donated a wheelie bin to a punter they made homeless.

Punter Gareth Timms, who was made homeless by Mugbet’s endless false favourites, rubbish offers, and rigged slot machines, has had an early Christmas present in the shape of a WHEELIE BIN.

Former panel beater Timms used to have a 6-bedroom Devon town house, but since he started betting with Mugbet he now lives outside their shop in a blue recycling bin.

Timms said: “It’s warm, dry and cosy, but the only downside is once a fortnight a bin lorry takes me down the tip and chucks me in the landfill. I have to hobble back into town, but I’m grateful for the exercise really.

“Thank god for the cuts to services or it could be once a week!”

A spokesman for Mugbet whose slogan is “Where the Nation Pays”, Keith Vim said: “Gareth should be delighted with our kind generosity, giving back to the community and securing him a sturdy home he can love and cherish.

“The fact that we were chucking it out anyway isn’t the point: if he doesn’t like his neighbours he can just wheel himself away.

“As a special treat we’ve chucked in a roll of black bin bags he can use as sheets, but now that he can’t give us any more cash he’s banned from within 6 feet of the door.”

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Betting

100-year-old ‘git’ wins first ever bet

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Pensioner Burt 'old git' Jackson, 100, wins his first ever bet
Mugbet blasts ‘old git’ who backed first ever winner by filling in quickslip wrong.

Burt Jackson, 100, has annoyed the sh*t out of bookmaking giant Mugbet by winning his first ever bet.

After mistakenly filling in a quickslip with the ‘wrong’ horse the pensioner and army veteran who has never visited the ‘Payout’ counter made national news with his first win since the end of World War II.

Jackson said: “Shooting down Messerschmitts was easy; escaping the clutches of the SS in a concentration camp – a doddle, but trying to get a second favourite to win at Newcastle has proved impossible for the last seven decades.”

Hearing a bookmaker representative talk about ‘floods of money’ for the 11-10 favourite Wunder Tripe, Jackson took their advice, staking £30 of his army pension on a Quickslip in his local Mugbet shop.

However, the centurion who suffers from cataracts ticked the wrong selection.

Instead of backing ‘No. 2’, the grandad of seventeen ticked ‘No.12’, 10-1 outsider Jimmy Jumpsuit – second string stablemate to the favourite – who duly romped in by a distance.

Riot

Keith Vim from Mugbet said: “The old git shouldn’t have got paid out. However, because we didn’t want a riot we gave him his winnings. As a compromise he’s banned from every shop in the world with immediate effect.”

Jackson said: “I always thought ‘treat betting as a bit of fun’ meant losing your arse. They wanted me to back the favourite, so I did – but I got the numbers muddled up.”

“I was going to treat my grand kids, but winners are really hard to come by, so I’m getting Champagne and strippers instead.”

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