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‘My best intake yet’ says 26-stone trainer who lapped horses on gallop



26-stone jumps trainer Alf Archer is optimistic of a good year despite jogging past his horses in their morning gallop

The cheerful trainer outran his horses in their morning gallop but insists that this year’s crop is his ‘best intake ever’.

The obese handler said: “I know what you’re thinking: if a fat b*stard like me can jog past them, what chance have they got? But that shows you how bad some of my old horses were. Hopefully we might get a place – one day.”

“I admit I’ve got shire horses faster than this lot and their idea of going flat out is one of those bumpers where they walk for the first 2 furlongs. We have no prospects of a win whatsoever but the owners keep sending me cash. It’s fantastic.”

Horse, Timmy Tracksuit said: “A good day for us is a 6 minute walk around the yard, 20 hours sleep, and six bales of hay followed by a massive shit in Alf’s garden.”

“If poor Alf wants to put himself through that exercise bullshit, that’s fine but don’t expect any movement from us.”

26-stone trainer jogged past his horses on gallop
Timmy Tracksuit (Right): “A good day for us is a 6 minute walk, 20 hours sleep, and six bales of hay followed by a massive shit in Alf’s garden”

Stablemate Jimmy Jumpsuit says: “Alf takes the piss: have you seen how high those fences are? I can’t be arsed to run*yawns or canter, or trot – my quarters are aching just thinking about it.”

“He takes us to the seaside for a paddle, which is nice but *shuts eyes…sorry I nodded off – fish and chips please.”

Shire horse Percy Pantsuit said: “Stick that saddle on me Alf; I’m coming out of retirement. I’ll show these millennial twats.”

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  1. Bobby Butcher

    14th October 2019 at 11:00 am

    I think that trainer needs to wake up and smell the house shit …. I’ve seen bourses move faster going backwards than those nags he has in his paddock. The guys an f’ing lunatic, I once saw him feeding one of my prime pork pies to a horse hoping it would go faster … TWAT! However he keeps me in business, he eats more of my prime pork pies than any other customer so keep them coming!

    • Leonard Collins

      14th October 2019 at 11:04 am

      Bobby, you’re my hero

  2. oprolevorter

    9th December 2019 at 7:27 am

    I too conceive thence, perfectly composed post! .

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Bookmaker, trainer and jockey’s 3-way sex romp in HORSE BOX



Trainer and jockey caught with their bookmaker boss in steamy sex romp in back of HORSE BOX.

A bookmaker whipped both the trainer and jockey he sponsors, naked – except for the bridle and cheek pieces they wore – during a 3-way sex romp in the back of a HORSE BOX.

The trio – trainer Alf Archer, jockey Maxwell Benson and bookmaker Keith Vim – were said to have been getting intimate in the back of racehorse Jimmy Jumpsuit’s trailer.

Downplaying the scandal, Mugbet’s head of communications Dik Venom said: “This is a simple misunderstanding; our brand ambassadors were showing Keith how to ‘tack up’.

Asked why they were naked, Venom replied: “Do you know how hot it is in there? Just right for horses, but sweltering for men in suits.”


The randy racing threesome was rumbled by stable boy Gareth Timms, who went to fetch his packed lunch from the horse box he travels and sleeps in.

Stunned Timms, 19, immediately alerted race day stewards, racing officials and racecourse security – all of whom are also paid by Mugbet.

Quick to cover for their sponsors, the racecourse staff said ‘move along, nothing to see here’.

But a racegoer alerted the police after seeing bookmaker Keith Vim punch stable boy Timms and drag him unconscious into the straw-filled love wagon.


It is understood the executive team chucked the lusty lovers out of the track after the local authorities caught wind of their X-rated activities.

Trainer Archer and jockey Benson were unavailable for comment, while stable boy Timms has not been seen since the incident.

Horse, Jimmy Jumpsuit said: “It’s disgusting what trainers and jockeys have to do for cash these days.”

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Trainers paid by bookmakers fretting over compulsory period costumes



Trainers in the pay of bookmakers are feeling anxious about new compulsory period costumes.

The move to make Victorian, Regency or Late-Georgian period costumes mandatory has made some trainers who are paid by bookmakers ‘sick with worry’.

An anonymous trainer worrying about how racegoers would perceive their latest dress said: “Walking canes and deluxe men’s stockings – OK, but are the wigs necessary?”

“Please don’t beat us up, just shoot us.”

Horse Racing Trainers in the pay of bookmakers are feeling anxious about new compulsory period costumes.
“Ain’t about that naff puffer-jacket life no more” – trainers will now be forced to wear Regency costumes

Jockeys, however have no problem with the velour romper suits they are being forced to wear.

Burly racegoer Gareth Timms said: “A bloke dressed as Prince George III with white make-up and rouge offered me £200 to walk his horse to the ring in this ridiculous costume. I’d rather go skint than wear that sh*t.”

Mugbet spokesman Harry Bore said: “Trainers and jockeys in our pocket ain’t about that naff puffer-jacket life no more: think less pom-pom hats and more Jane Austen.”

“We will set fire to their old clothes or dissolve them in acid. I will dress as the butler out of Downton Abbey.”

“Who cares how much they cost, the punters have paid for the lot,” Bore said.

Trainer Alf Archer, ambassador for Mugbet, wears his period costume even when not attending the races
Mugbet Ambassador, Trainer Alf Archer said: “These are my normal clothes. Zero f*cks given”
Dandy Bastards

The “Dandy Bastards Initiative” comes after a four-year consultation about the image of racing involving bookmakers, the Trainer’s Partnership and the FBP.

Mugbet Ambassador, trainer Alf Archer wears his costume even when not attending the races. Reclining on a chaise lounge, Archer said:

“Pantaloons? Stockings? These are my normal clothes – zero f*cks given”

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