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‘My best intake yet’ says 26-stone trainer who lapped horses on gallop

Leonard Collins

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26-stone jumps trainer Alf Archer optimistic of good year despite jogging past his horses in their morning gallop

The cheerful trainer outran his horses in their morning gallop but insists that this year’s crop is his ‘best intake ever’.

The obese handler said: “I know what you’re thinking: if a fat b*stard like me can jog past them, what chance have they got? Hopefully we might get a place – one day.”

“I admit I’ve got shire horses faster than this lot and their idea of going flat out is one of those bumpers where they walk for the first 2 furlongs. We have no prospects of a win whatsoever but the owners keep sending me cash. It’s fantastic.”

Horse, Timmy Tracksuit said: “A good day for us is a 6 minute walk around the yard, 20 hours sleep, and six bales of hay followed by a massive shit in Alf’s garden.”

26-stone jumps trainer Alf Archer optimistic of good year despite jogging past his horses in their morning gallop

Tracksuit (Right): “A good day for us is a 6 minute walk, 20 hours sleep, and six bales of hay followed by a massive shit in Alf’s garden”

“If poor Alf wants to put himself through that exercise bullshit, that’s fine but don’t expect any movement from us.”

Timmy Tracksuit (Right): “A good day for us is a 6 minute walk, 20 hours sleep, and six bales of hay followed by a massive shit in Alf’s garden”

Stablemate Jimmy Jumpsuit says: “Alf takes the piss: have you seen how high those fences are? I can’t be arsed to run or canter, or trot – *yawns - my quarters are aching just thinking about it.”

“He takes us to the seaside for a paddle, which is nice but *shuts eyes…sorry I nodded off – fish and chips please.”

Shire horse Percy Pantsuit said: “Stick that saddle on me Alf; I’m coming out of retirement. I’ll show these spoiled twats.”

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2 Comments

2 Comments

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    Bobby Butcher

    14th October 2019 at 11:00 am

    I think that trainer needs to wake up and smell the house shit …. I’ve seen bourses move faster going backwards than those nags he has in his paddock. The guys an f’ing lunatic, I once saw him feeding one of my prime pork pies to a horse hoping it would go faster … TWAT! However he keeps me in business, he eats more of my prime pork pies than any other customer so keep them coming!

    • Leonard Collins

      Leonard Collins

      14th October 2019 at 11:04 am

      Bobby, you’re my hero

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