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‘My best intake yet’ says 26-stone trainer who lapped horses on gallop



26-stone jumps trainer Alf Archer is optimistic of a good year despite jogging past his horses in their morning gallop

The cheerful trainer outran his horses in their morning gallop but insists that this year’s crop is his ‘best intake ever’.

The obese handler said: “I know what you’re thinking: if a fat b*stard like me can jog past them, what chance have they got? But that shows you how bad some of my old horses were. Hopefully we might get a place – one day.”

“I admit I’ve got shire horses faster than this lot and their idea of going flat out is one of those bumpers where they walk for the first 2 furlongs. We have no prospects of a win whatsoever but the owners keep sending me cash. It’s fantastic.”

Horse, Timmy Tracksuit said: “A good day for us is a 6 minute walk around the yard, 20 hours sleep, and six bales of hay followed by a massive shit in Alf’s garden.”

“If poor Alf wants to put himself through that exercise bullshit, that’s fine but don’t expect any movement from us.”

26-stone trainer jogged past his horses on gallop
Timmy Tracksuit (Right): “A good day for us is a 6 minute walk, 20 hours sleep, and six bales of hay followed by a massive shit in Alf’s garden”

Stablemate Jimmy Jumpsuit says: “Alf takes the piss: have you seen how high those fences are? I can’t be arsed to run*yawns or canter, or trot – my quarters are aching just thinking about it.”

“He takes us to the seaside for a paddle, which is nice but *shuts eyes…sorry I nodded off – fish and chips please.”

Shire horse Percy Pantsuit said: “Stick that saddle on me Alf; I’m coming out of retirement. I’ll show these millennial twats.”

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  1. Bobby Butcher

    14th October 2019 at 11:00 am

    I think that trainer needs to wake up and smell the house shit …. I’ve seen bourses move faster going backwards than those nags he has in his paddock. The guys an f’ing lunatic, I once saw him feeding one of my prime pork pies to a horse hoping it would go faster … TWAT! However he keeps me in business, he eats more of my prime pork pies than any other customer so keep them coming!

    • Leonard Collins

      14th October 2019 at 11:04 am

      Bobby, you’re my hero

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Trainer’s Wife draws the line at Betting Logos on DUVET



Trainer's wife

Millicent Archer will divorce her husband trainer Alf unless he refuses to sleep in bed sheets covered in Mugbet betting logos.

Plans for Mugbet betting ambassador, National Hunt trainer Alf Archer, to have bookmaking logos plastered all over his sleeping comforter have been scuppered by wife Millicent.

While Millicent has no objections to the Mugbet logos daubed on his work riders’ underpants, his office staff and the stable cat, she has put her foot down on bedroom emblems and pyjamas.

Millicent said: “I’ve put up with Alf’s sh*t for years. Going to the races blind drunk? Why not? Shagging the stable lasses in the Premier Inn? We all need to let loose once in a while. But a King Size Mugbet duvet in our private chambers? That’s unreasonable.”

Mugbet spokesman Keith Vim said: “I normally sleep in between Alf and Milly so it’s a shame we can’t get our logo in this last free spot in the house.”

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Bookmakers launch Cash for Trainers Christmas appeal



Cash for trainers in new Christmas charity appeal

Instead of losing on beaten favourites, Boxing Day punters can pay trainers direct by chucking cash in a bucket.

Trainers who are paid by bookmakers will get more cash following the launch of a new Christmas charity appeal. Instead of losing on one of their beaten favourites, punters can throw money into a bucket and send it directly to the trainer.

Trainer Alf Archer said: “Christmas is all about getting presents. Don’t send the Salvation Army 19 quid – give it to us so we can get sports cars and strippers.”

“Trainers are practically scraping by on £400K a year. We’ll take 2p coins wrapped in chewing gum from off the floor; anything as long as it’s not our money.”

“Make sure it’s crisp wonga though: sh*t like hampers or cards will only end up in landfill.”

Keith Vim from Mugbet said: “These poor horse racing trainers who only have one Landrover each are struggling to buy a fifth home. Therefore, bookmakers in Santa outfits will shake cash buckets at you while you’re desperately trying to watch the Kind George. Come and give us a wad. Ho ho ho!”

Punter Gareth Timms said: “None of my kids will have any Christmas gifts – my wallet’s reeling from all the donations.

“I haven’t even had a bet yet but there’s a whopping ten grand in the bucket on its way to one lucky trainer. It’s f*cking brilliant!”

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