New rules mean only bellends can apply for jobs as stewards. Stewards at Scutter Park are the first racecourse in the UK to make being an...
Gravesend betting shop pelted with cow pats then burned to the ground by vegan protestoers after ‘Free hamburger with every bet’ giveaway Betting giant Mugbet has been cleaning...
Bookies ban punter stealing betting slips to use as toilet roll substitute Costco Warehouse Operative, Gareth Timms knows a good deal when he sees it. Doing...
Legendary city of Atlantis housed beautiful racecourse where all favs won, so bookmakers blew it up to make way for Class 6 rubbish. The tantalising mystery...
Failed dope test reveals horse’s addiction to pickled onion-flavoured snacks Trainer Alf Archer has been charged by Scutter Park stewards after one of his horses returned...
PR representative tells punters to bet on cherry-picked runners with flu, ringworm and foot-bruises. Instead of peddling his daily tripe, Dik Venom from Mugbet TV was...
‘DB Cooper cleaned up at Sittingbourne dogs so I pushed him out of plane’, says bookmaker. The 45-year-old mystery of DB Cooper may now be solved...
Bookmakers need reclassifying as new species after latest research shows layers share 97% of their genetic material with FRILLED LIZARDS. Frilled lizards are bookmakers’ closest living...
NOT being brutally murdered 'a result' thinks fake tipster. Self-styled betting ‘guru’ Benji Kirshtort, 46, thinks that NOT being lynched after some of the rubbish he...
Bookmakers praise ‘indestructible’ FOBTs after protestors accidentally blow up betting shop with rocket launcher Betting giant Mugbet breathed a sigh of relief after its bomb-proof Fixed...
Betting giant hits out at ‘Class 1 rubbish’ where everyone is trying Betting giant Mugbet has hit out at the astonishing lack of diversity among this...
Horse says jockey ‘full of sh*t’ after rider claims swerving into rivals was ‘horse’s fault’. Racehorse Jimmy Jumpsuit has hit out at his ‘lying bastard’ jockey...
Punter who backed 3000 consecutive losers demands Gambling Helpline tell him what will win Class 1 Handicap After a diabolical run, former panel beater Gareth Timms,...
Spooks praise bookmakers who know about every horse in every yard before anyone else Intelligence officers at MI5 and MI6 have praised bookmakers for training them...
Shocking discovery shows Virtual Racing results determined by man captured in 2003 and forced to press buttons all day in giant chemical toilet somewhere in North...
Total idiot wrongly believes he’s mastered the art of stopping a loose horse at racecourse. No UK race meeting would be complete without a hundred bellends...
Kid bookie minted after taking bets on primary school Olympics he fixed with pals Sports Day at St Winifred’s Roman Catholic School, Gravesend, finished with...
Live Premiership games cut off to show point-to-point news and Epsom Dash ScutballTV has announced it will interrupt its live televised Premiership games to show horse...
Social distance fanatics applaud germ-dodging bookie who disinfects punters with Dettol and bleach The sight of ‘2 metre’ floor markers, hand sanitizers and trolley wipes in...
Senior steward at Scutter Park, Gareth Timms, answers some of your questions about the return to racing Nobody has missed racing more than me: giving completely...
Pensioner receives good duffing up for winning £21.50 Betting giant Mugbet sent henchmen round to a pensioner's home address after he won £21.50 on a bet....
Punter smashes home up with sledge hammer after just four races The defeat of French ‘good things’ has made recreational gambler Gareth Timms trash his kitchen,...
Stallion wanting some shut eye tells yard tour visitors to ‘piss off’ Leading sire Jimmy Jumpsuit told a guided tour "F*ck off the lot of...
Photoshopping pretend wins on hold as tipster puts himself on furlough Self-employed tipster Gareth Timms said: “COVID-19 means people aren't taking advantage of my awesome offers...
Study shows bookmakers are humanoid race composed of liquid mercury and non-terrestrial ‘alien metals’. New research has found that bookmakers are an advanced, extra-terrestrial, humanoid...
With lockdown causing his income to drop, Twitter tipster Gareth Timms now believes he is the dog’s b*llocks on international racing. Timms said: “It’s easy: harness...
Jockey optimistic of first win since apprenticeship started in 1987. Budding apprentice, Gareth Timms, is optimistic he will ride a winner one day, despite being the...
Nectar ‘millionaire’ bet with supermarket loyalty points after running out of cash. Gareth Timms blew all his cash betting on Will Rogers Downs and Gulfstream during...
Bookmaker insists new 'betting shops' hosted on Zoom are the future. Director of Communications, Keith Vim said: “Our Zoom betting shops are great for anyone missing...
Horse so bored in coronavirus lockdown he'd even consider trying to win race. “At this moment,” 5 year-old bay gelding Jimmy Jumpsuit says, “I’d actually consider...
Punter backed all 40 Virtual Grand National runners then claims race was FIXED when he lost. After placing £1 on all 40 runners in the Virtual...
"Forget key workers, emptying ‘Luck of the Irish’ slot machines is ‘essential’ to US" – betting giant says. Mugbet has declared emptying the ‘Luck of the...
Get in your gardens and clap, bookmakers tell racing industry. As the racing world sinks slowly into oblivion with thousands fearing job losses due to the...
“Betting had nowt to do with it,” says call centre worker sacked for shouting ‘COME ON’ at computer screen. Sacked Gareth Timms explained that screaming ‘come...
‘Please keep losing money’, bookmaker pleads amid coronavirus lockdown. Betting giant Mugbet has asked customers nicely if they continue to lose cash during the coronavirus lockdown....
Spontaneous human combustion to blame after manager explodes in giant fireball following 1 day with no beaten favourites due to coronavirus shop closure. Police have cordoned...
Horse livid with jockey after pair win race they should have thrown Jockey Alf Archer was criticised by his horse for winning a race. Having ignored...
Racing pundits tour UK in ‘punting’ truck to bore horse racing fans sh*tless 18 horse racing pundits promise to absolutely bore horse racing fans 'sh*tless' with a...
Rabid badgers munch through Scutter Park’s 12 fences overnight, forcing 3-day meeting to close. This year’s three day festival at Scutter Park - named the ‘outhouse...
Fuming Mugbet removes coffee machines, papers and chairs from its shops after punter lands 4p win single Betting giant Mugbet has cancelled all concessions after regular...
Swap your car, pet pooch or underpants and bet say owners of new Pawn Shop Bookies Lucky Gravesend gamblers can now pop into Mugbet's new pawnbroker-style...
Bookies across the UK have been digging up graves of punters who won off them. Keith Vim from Mugbet has called on bookies everywhere to pick...
Betting watchdog fines bookmaker for serving 9-year old lad with a beard drawn on in Biro. Betting giant Mugbet has been fined a whopping £3 million...
Jockey sacked by his bookmaker for winning the race they sponsor. Betting giant Mugbet has sacked their betting ambassador jockey Alf Archer for WINNING a race...
Punishment for bookmakers' made up gambles is now €20 fine and a telling off Bookmakers pretending that horses are being backed will now get a hefty...
Mugbet kindly donates wheelie bin to punter they made homeless. Punter Gareth Timms, who was made homeless by Mugbet’s endless false favourites, rubbish offers, and rigged...
Shocked locals witness jockeys pelted with horse MANURE in sick Betting Ambassador initiation. Jockeys Alf Archer and Tarquin Bibby were admitted as Mugbet’s new betting ambassadors after...
Furious betting chiefs pull plug on racing after power failure leaves bookmaker logos unilluminated. Betting giant Mugbet was incensed with rage after a power failure left...
Bed sheets covered in betting logos is a step too far - trainers wife protests. Plans for Mugbet betting ambassador, National Hunt trainer Alf Archer, to...
Mugbet blasts ‘old git’ who backed first ever winner by filling in quickslip wrong. Burt Jackson, 100, has annoyed bookmaking giant Mugbet by winning his first...
Psychotic Biblical killer King Herod was a Roman Bookie, scrolls show. A new discovery has proved psycho King Herod of Judea was in fact a successful...
Bookmakers charity appeal lets Boxing Day punters chuck money in bucket to pay trainers. Instead of losing on one of their beaten favourites, punters can throw...
Bookmaker sacks TV pundit for tipping winning favourite. Gareth Timms has been sacked 1 hour into his new job as a horse racing pundit after his...
Trainer and jockey caught with bookmaker boss in steamy sex romp in back of HORSE BOX. A bookmaker whipped the trainer and jockey he sponsors, naked...
Bookmakers brand new 'Punter of the Year' initiative - to recognise the best gambler in a calendar year - 'obscene’ in furious rant. Bookmakers, racecourses, and...
Scutter Park manager blasts calls to abandon waterlogged meeting as ‘wimpish bullsh*t’ While basking sharks are swimming upsides the grandstand windows, Scutter Park’s general manager -...
Horses can now run at Mac 1.6 thanks to reinforced steel headgear that 'gees' them up with Thrash Metal Scientists have created new headgear that can...
New device lets bookies control jockeys’ brain by twiddling Blaupunt FM car stereo knob. Bookmakers can now control jockeys' brains by pressing a few buttons on...
Stewards' confirm 'explanation noted’ secret code for ‘we weren’t born yesterday mate’. Steward Keith Vim said: "Explanation noted is a great way of saying 'you're a...
Community activists launch campaign to help shed-dwelling gambler who downsized 16 times and now lives in abandoned riverside chalet Measures are underway to find better accommodation...
Non-triers, runners taking wrong courses and swerving jockeys will make Virtual racing more realistic. Virtual racing is to become ‘a more realistic betting product’ by having...
Punter totally baffled as friendly betting shop staff member says "hello". When unemployed dog punter Gareth Timms, 49, visited his local Mugbet betting shop, a pleasant,...
Adverts NOT showing PPI, payday loans or funerals have caused meltdown among stay-at-home gamblers Gareth Timms’ blew a fuse over wholesome racing channel adverts that didn’t...
Missing for three days, St Bernard Gareth Timms’ time-stamp machine was found in a ditch
Only Area 51 guards, aliens living on the complex and bookmakers will be privy to the hushed-up UK 'training races'.
"Racegoers throwing up and taking their clothes off; trainers threatening us with the sack if we lose and jockeys making daft noises during a race -...
Jockey sacked for not swerving into other riders. Jockey, Alf Archer, was sacked yesterday for not swerving into another horse and rider. While ‘swerving’ – the...
Professional Layabout Ricky Tibbs gives practical advice for how to deal with losing runs. A lot of you have written in asking me how to deal...
New rules mean only bellends can apply for jobs as stewards. Stewards at Scutter Park are the first racecourse in...
Gravesend betting shop pelted with cow pats then burned to the ground by vegan protestoers after ‘Free hamburger with every bet’ giveaway...
Bookies ban punter stealing betting slips to use as toilet roll substitute Costco Warehouse Operative, Gareth Timms knows a good...
Legendary city of Atlantis housed beautiful racecourse where all favs won, so bookmakers blew it up to make way for...
Failed dope test reveals horse’s addiction to pickled onion-flavoured snacks Trainer Alf Archer has been charged by Scutter Park stewards...
‘DB Cooper cleaned up at Sittingbourne dogs so I pushed him out of plane’, says bookmaker. The 45-year-old mystery of...
Bookmakers need reclassifying as new species after latest research shows layers share 97% of their genetic material with FRILLED LIZARDS....
NOT being brutally murdered ‘a result’ thinks fake tipster. Self-styled betting ‘guru’ Benji Kirshtort, 46, thinks that NOT being lynched...
Bookmakers praise ‘indestructible’ FOBTs after protestors accidentally blow up betting shop with rocket launcher Betting giant Mugbet breathed a sigh...
Betting giant hits out at ‘Class 1 rubbish’ where everyone is trying Betting giant Mugbet has hit out at the...
